Shadows of Doubt
Warning: Self hate, Angst, Strangulation, Choking. Let me know if I missed something!
Words: 2,146
Virgil woke up in a cold sweat and threw his sheets off his body. The shadows of his room crept around him, but didn’t attack like they usually would. Virgil’s heart pounded in his chest as he waited for their attack, his mind raced with confusion as they stayed around him without attacking.
“Virgil!”
Virgil’s head snapped to the door of his room as fists pounded on it from the outside. At the frantic yell, the shadows descended on him. They coiled around him and hissed in his ears.
They’ll never accept you.
They hate you.
You’re the bad guy.
You hurt Thomas.
Virgil knew the shadows were right. He didn’t try to argue against them. The shadows enveloped him entirely, trapping him in pure darkness. He could no longer feel his bed beneath him, only the cold shadows around him, pressing against him. He choked on a shadow as it covered his mouth.
He couldn’t breathe. The shadows were wrapped too tightly around his face. The pressure made him feel as though his head would burst. Virgil violently shook his head in an attempt to breathe. The shadows were suffocating. He tried to scream, but couldn’t get his mouth open.
Bad guy. Villain. Villain. Villain! VILLAIN!
His lungs burned from the lack of air. He struggled once more, but no air graced his lungs. He was starting to feel dizzy now, but the shadows didn’t let up. They hadn’t fought him this hard in years. Something changed. Something was wrong.
Wrong. Wrong. Wrong! WRONG!
In the distance, Virgil heard a loud crash. The shadows hisses increased as he struggled. The hisses turned to screeches after a moment and the shadows withdrew from Virgil, releasing him from his dark imprisonment. He gasped for air and coughed violently. Light assaulted his senses. He covered his eyes with his hoodie sleeve as he tried to steady his breathing.
“Virgil!”
Virgil didn’t dare look to see who was calling his name. He felt hands on him. He flinched and pulled away. The shadows were back. This was a trick. They’d never done this before, never made him think someone came to save him. They usually just tormented him for hours before creeping away, leaving him struggling to breathe.
His breath hitched as a hand grabbed his wrist and gently pulled his sleeve away from his eyes. The hand was warm, far different from the shadows. Virgil blinked his eyes as they tried to adjust to the new-found light. Before him, the three other sides knelt. It was Roman’s hand on his wrist. Roman released his wrist and his arm fell to his side.
“Are you okay, kiddo?” Patton asked.
Virgil couldn’t process what he was seeing. The three helped him? They saved him from the shadows? They never came to his room. They left him alone and didn’t question him as he spent days in his room without coming out. It was only when he abandoned Thomas that they came. Why would they help him now?
“Kiddo?” Patton asked once again.
Virgil curled his fingers into fists. He looked down from the three sides and to the floor.
“I’m fine,” Virgil forced out.
“Does that always happen?” Logan inquired.
Virgil nodded his head. Just another reason for them to see him as a freak. Now that they knew, they’d avoid him completely now. He was the villain, the bad guy who hurt Thomas, the shadows were doing them a favor. When the shadows had him, he couldn’t focus enough to bother them or mess up Thomas’ life.
“Why didn’t you tell us?”
Roman spoke for the first time since he entered Virgil’s room. Virgil looked up at him in shock. The Prince’s face was a mix of horror and guilt. Guilt? Roman had nothing to feel guilty about. The shadows made life easier for Thomas and the other sides.
“It’s better that I can’t hurt Thomas,” Virgil answered him.
A hand reached out and placed itself on top of his own. It gave a small squeeze and let go. Virgil followed it to see it was Patton.
“You are a part of Thomas, Virgil,” Logan paused. “As much as any of us. Those shadows are harmful to you and likely heighten your own anxieties.”
Which worsens Thomas’. It’s always your fault.
Roman glared and drew his sword. Virgil’s eyes widened at the sight. Roman was attacking him! He closed his eyes so that he didn’t see the incoming attack, but it never came. Instead, someone grabbed onto him and carefully pulled him forward. Virgil struggled against the pull but failed to get free. The person pulled him close and wrapped their arms around him. He realized who it was when his cheek pressed against their chest. Patton. The eldest side’s cardigan was soft against Virgil’s cheek. He opened his eyes in confusion and looked up.
“It’s okay, kiddo,” Patton assured.
Patton smiled down at him. Virgil looked away from Patton and to Roman. Roman stood with his back turned to them, his stance ready for a fight and his sword out. The shadows were back, but the light held them at bay for now. The shadows were converging into one large shadow.
Roman was going to get hurt fighting the shadows. It was his fault. If he could handle the shadows on his own, the others wouldn’t be here. Roman wouldn’t be preparing to fight the shadows. He wasn’t good enough. It was his fault.
“We should get Virgil out,” Logan spoke, not taking his eyes off the shadows.
Patton hoisted Virgil up without much effort. The youngest side was painfully thin compared to the others and usually hid the fact by wearing his oversized hoodie. No one argued as the sides left, Roman exiting last, backing out without looking away from the shadows. He wouldn’t let them attack the others from behind.
Patton walked into the common room and placed Virgil down on the couch. Virgil looked around the common room without a word. He didn’t know how to address the others. He would say the wrong thing and they’d send him back to the shadows. They’d send him back eventually, he was sure of that. It was where he belonged.
“Virgil, how long have the shadows existed?” Roman asked.
Virgil wasn’t sure. He knew they didn’t always dwell in his room, but it seemed like such a long time ago. Roman sat on the couch beside him and Virgil shifted away from him. At which, Roman frowned.
“. . . I’m not sure,” Virgil said. “Why?”
The Prince bit his lip, “I believe I know the cause.”
Virgil stared at Roman in shock. Did Roman cause the shadows and forget? Did he hate Virgil so much that he felt Virgil deserved their torture? Virgil didn’t realize he was shaking until Patton sat on his other side and put an arm around him. Virgil was grateful for the fatherly side’s attempt at comfort.
“What is the cause?” Logan asked.
The logical side sat down in what was usually Virgil’s chair. Virgil frowned at this, he took Logan’s place. He tried to get up, but Patton tightened his grip. Patton shot him a glance before turning his attention to Roman.
“The Dragon Witch used these shadows before. When I defeated her, she sent them out into the mindscape, but I never found them. That was years ago, Virgil, I had no idea they went to you,” Roman paused to turn to Virgil. “I’m sorry. I should’ve destroyed them then.”
Virgil was silent. Roman of all people was apologizing to him. He didn’t know how to take it. This was too much. Today was too much. They never cared before today. This had to be a trick. Roman wouldn’t apologize to him. He was the villain! Roman was the prince who defeated the bad guys, he didn’t save them!
Roman watched Virgil’s face and frowned when he saw the disbelief in Virgil’s expression. He knew he hardly acted like a prince in his treatment of the younger side and this only solidified his guilt. Roman should have known the shadows went after Virgil. They fed on fears and the anxious side had too many for them to ignore. He would right the wrong now, he decided.
“I will destroy them for you,” he vowed.
He stood from the couch, mustering every ounce of regality he had. He looked to Virgil before he exited the common room to face the shadows.
When he was gone, Virgil looked to Logan and then Patton. He couldn’t believe it. Not even when Patton smiled at him and asked him if he wanted anything to eat, given he missed breakfast and lunch. It was a trick. Roman would come back, saying he defeated the shadows, but when Virgil went to his room, they would still be there waiting for him. The other three were just playing along in this cruel trick. They didn’t care.
Patton wiped the tears Virgil hadn’t realized formed in his eyes from them, smudging the leftover eyeshadow from yesterday. Patton pulled him into a hug, mumbling about how he loved his dark strange son. The softness of the hug did it. Whatever dam Virgil shoved his emotions behind broke and he began to sob. The sobs were silent but shook his entire body.
He didn’t care that they would only laugh at him later. He expected them to do that. He was Anxiety. He only made Thomas feel bad. It made sense for them to hate him. Their act hurt. They pretended to care and he hated it. When Patton hugged him tighter, he tried to push away, but couldn’t muster the strength. He stayed trapped in Patton’s arms, sobs stealing away every breath he tried to take.
The couch dipped as Logan joined them. He placed a hand on Virgil’s shoulder and pursed his lips. He wasn’t sure how to help. He wasn’t good with emotions. He hated that weakness in himself, as much as he claimed them to be unnecessary. Logan looked up and met eyes with Patton. The eldest side stared into his eyes with tears streaming down his cheeks. Patton let go of Virgil with one arm and pulled Logan into the embrace. Unsure, Logan wrapped his arms around the two awkwardly. He made a mental note to search for ways to help soothe people experiencing intense emotions.
Virgil’s shaking subsided and the youngest side went slack against Patton. Logan glanced at him to see him asleep. Logan never witnessed the youngest sleep before and found it odd that he’d willingly do so in front of them. Logan concluded it was due to the side’s exhaustion from the day’s events.
The logical side felt tired himself. It had seemed like a normal day until lunch. They ate and waited for Virgil to come out, but he never did. He usually hid away in his room, but they were filming tonight. On days they filmed, he at least made an appearance beforehand, but not today. Patton insisted that they go check on him, in case he was sick or otherwise needed help. Roman had complained until they arrived at Virgil’s door and found it locked, with no response to their knocks or calls. It didn’t matter how loudly they called for him or knocked, no reply came.
It worried all three of them. They were beginning to become close with Virgil and his silence was unnerving. Finally, Roman kicked the door down and the sight they found was one Logan get out of his mind. Virgil was in his bed with shadows completely immobilizing him. The youngest thrashed, trying to free himself from the shadows’ grasps. His face, arms, legs, torso, every inch of him had shadows coiled around him. The worst part was what they heard. Virgil’s muffled screams were barely audible through the hissing voices and the lies they spoke. Roman flicked on the lights as soon as he realized what held the youngest side captive and the shadows retreated instantly.
The shadows horrified Logan. They were likely the causation to many of Virgil’s prolonged disappearances; ones that Logan wrote off as strange antics. The youngest side suffered like this for years and said nothing. Virgil believed the shadows were helpful! That they prevented him from hurting Thomas! Virgil still thought he only hurt Thomas. They already explained to him how he was helpful, but it seemed the youngest needed additional convincing.
“Logan,” Roman’s voice snapped him out of his thoughts.
The logical side looked up to see an exhausted Prince standing in the common room entrance. His face was bruised and his attire was worse for wear, but on his face adorned a satisfied smile. Logan knew from this smile that the shadows were gone and no longer able to attack the youngest member of their family.
