#tw: future

[studyingsciencesdrinkingcoffee]

I feel so much resistance towards making progress for my future. Because the future scares me. And I just don't want to face the fact that in seven months, I'll be done with grad school and have to have a job lined up in order to support myself. I don't want to acknowledge that in seven months, I have to be an adult and stand on my own two feet 🙃

Now let me try to get back to writing this thesis proposal, which will bring this future one step closer...

[reflectingiridescent]

Buying my ticket to Bangalore.

Big girl decisions. Deep breath.

And go.

[sovietfuckface]

I'm trying to convince my girlfriend to go to college in california because she wants to get away from here and wants to go to California and everything but it's so difficult to like send her the application when I know she will get in and then leave. I want her to go. I want her to have a full life because I know when it's my turn to leave, I won't hesitate. but gosh dang it this is hard

[reflectingiridescent]

I’ve started looking into grad school programs.

I can’t believe this is something I’m considering.

IS THERE ANYONE ELSE OUT THERE WHO IS 23 AND LIKE HOLY CRAP MY LIFE CHANGES FREAKING HOURLY WHAT THE HELL?

[reflectingiridescent]

I feel like adulthood is telling everyone else how to live their lives and not doing it yourself.

neonjudas

[reflectingiridescent]

Adulthood is getting up at 11, still taking two naps before evening, and not feeling sorry for it at all.

[somuchbetterthanthat]

Everything is scary and I just want to cry.

I don’t know what to do, and I don’t know, I’m just, everything is fucking terrifying, and I thought I finally had a plan but it’s not working and I don’t know what else to do. I have no skills which means nobody wants me to work, I have no money to go to school to get skills and on top of that I don’t have motivation enough half of the time and the rest i’m too anxious to function

i hate this, i hate this, i hate everything. why couldn’t i fucking stay in school when i had the chance too. why am i so useless at stuff. 

[alexyar]

it's just..I'm almost certainly going to graduate with zero publications, and my school rating and professors here are not good enough to offset this. So if I stay, with about 98% certainty I am not going to get anything other than a teaching position. 

So my choices are: teach for the rest of my life, or try to get into industry. Seeing how brilliant my life/professional/communication skills are, the latter is going to be no less of a problem than getting a postdoc. So the real choices are: getting a teaching position, or going back to Belarus, where my mother's connections might get me an entry-level programming position, like the one everyone STEM-related in my country gets when they're nineteen.

In any case, I will not be doing math professionally. And - I know myself - this means I will not be doing math at all (because like...I like math more than anything else, but I still don't like it enough, ya feel me?)

There are two things I enjoy doing - math and dance, and it's a little too late to be a professional dancer at 26 with back problems. So I am not going to be doing what I enjoy doing. I am clearly not going to have a family or a partner. I will not have a job well-paid enough so I could travel around the world.(And obv i'm not becoming an astronaut - the worst of all!!)

So what exactly do I have to look forward to?

I could really use something to look forward to.