†- Our muses in a church.
†- our muses in a church.
he's used to the itch of a suit by now, the stiff fabric an acquired tasted against his skin-- but now, he finds himself squirming for release from the confining clothes. he wasn't sure why, why the fabric acted like a gag and suffocated him blue, making his skin itch raw and his pores drench sweat. he found himself fumbling, an act not even jonghyun was aware he could do.
he wanted out, wanted air-- wanted something to bring relief to his burning skin and buzzing mind. his hands trembled behind his back, even in their clenched hold with one another. he wanted assurance that this was right, that it was no mistake to have agreed to this-- but that would not come. beside him stood no one-- a mother long since dead and a father's who's blood taints his skin. he had no friends, and his coworkers only knew him by name.
weddings were suppose to be shared events, and he found himself alone. and for the first time it bothered him.
he wondered if he mother would have liked her-- sunhwa. he was sure she would have, though he knew they way he treated her would of left his mother rolling in her grave.
his father would of hated her-- hated the pure way she smiled and gleamed, and he was sure had he been her, assurance would not have been received.
(--"you're throwing away the future of your company, soiling your name. wedding someone beneath you? honestly jonghyun i thought you were smarter." )
maybe it was a good thing he was dead now.
the thought crossed, a flicker in the back of jonghyun's mind.
but then the music rose across the rows of the empty church, it swelled and it beamed and the doors pulled open to reveal the woman of his thoughts.
she was in white, a simple gown with a minimal train. ordinary, much like she. but her smile out shined the gown and the jewels and the make up. it out shined the sun as it poked through the stained glass paintings on the walls. it out shined many things-- even the lingering clouds that hung in the void of jonghyun's heart.
he didn't smile, didn't share her grin or her charisma. there were no cameras here to witness his stoic indifference, his lips taunt and his eyes lidded and unmoving. but they remained on her, drawn to her as a natural instinct.
she approached him, and between them stood a minister. he held his book of omens open in his palms and his lips were wet, ready to announce them man and wife. she stood across from jonghyun and her enjoyment did not waver-- every bit of glittering emotion she had for him worn in her eyes.
he gave a guff grunt, nodding at her before sliding her hands into his own. his palms were could, but the warmth of her fingers warmed him to the bone.
for a moment, he was empty. the weight of his losses weighed on his shoulders, it stacked and he sagged beneath it. he wondered if this was alright-- to marry a woman he could almost love but the emotions were never quite there, never quite right. and he wondered if it was okay to do so, under the eyes of one-- a man who read vows. no audience played part, no friends and no family to join or congratulate him. simply because he had no one to do so.
it wasn't until his eyes flickered past her, past the beam that was sunhwa's blinding smile and settling on the empty space behind her, did he realize that she was the same. her friends nonexistent, much like his-- and her mother's hand worn upon her skin's scars.
his grip on her hands tighten and she flashed him a concerned gaze, but said no words.
maybe it was alright to marry someone who you did not quite love, or maybe it was simply jonghyun's on variation of love, that fit for a demented and sick monster. but he didn't mind, didn't mind the mornings they'd wake together and the evenings of her falling asleep beside him. he didn't mind the smell of her burning food, or the stains in the white of his carpet she'd leave. even the dog, who's piss trails always betrayed him and left jonghyun's fuming because she was stupid enough to bring the damn thing inside the house.
and a child, he wouldn't mind that-- to see it gazing up at him with her eyes, because he'd hope it'd come out more like her than him in the end.
because he had her, and while they were alone, they were alone together. and they thrived together.
and because in his own way he loved her and she positively loved him in return. and that was more than enough for jonghyun's little world.