chihayafuru panels that made me cry - ch 153
i love this little moment because hyoro says "you only bother looking at those who are stronger than you" as a dig, out of pain, out of the loneliness wrought by taichi's absence, without the solidarity of having a rival who also struggled to reach the top tier, who also felt like his own efforts would never be enough.
and chihaya is affected by these words. she hates it about herself. she knows she can be singleminded ("selfish" in her own words) and her pursuit of strength blinds her to the needs and wants and feelings of the people around her. she believes it's why she lost her best friend. chihaya feels taichi's absence and echoes the things he did (reminding them to breathe, tapping them on the shoulder) to keep the team together, but ultimately hyoro's words confirm the narrative that she tells herself about why taichi left the club, left her, and because she believes it she acts with the understanding he will never return.
in the microcosm of this match, chihaya leans into the story hyoro tells her about herself because she believes it, too. and in giving into that narrative, she distances herself from her team.
in the mechanics of the match, she wins by such a large margin her words of support echo hollowly to her teammates who are still in their matches, losing. more interestingly, though, as her teammates lose their matches, they're also winning in the fight against the stories about themselves they've internalized over the months and years leading up to the qualifier. chihaya, on the other hand, has lost the fight against the story she tells about herself.
succumbing to that self-loathing story creates a rift mechanically and narratively between her--their captain--and her team. and when the team ultimately loses, it confirms the worst parts of her narrative and she's devastated, because she's telling herself she has to get to that place of unparalleled strength no matter what. she's telling herself that despite efforts to overcome her selfish disregard by acting like taichi, there's something inherent to her that is her team's undoing, she's alone, she's alone, she's alone.
and that's why i love this moment between hyoro and chihaya. because hyoro, who epitomizes the fight against his own self-loathing narrative, extends the grace of that power to chihaya, even though he didn't have to. he could have used the victory in the qualifier to gloat, to close the egoic wound of always being forgotten, dismissed, second best to the mizusawa a-team.
instead, the loneliness in him recognizes the loneliness in her and he recognizes in chihaya's selfish drive to reach the top a selfless drive for connection and helps her realize that in herself as well. because let's be so real, chihaya does not want to be strong just for strength's sake, chihaya plays karuta because she saw in arata and shinobu people who grew up feeling isolated and apart and utterly without a sense of self--like she did--except for karuta. chihaya seeks to be next to them, to connect, to let them know they're not alone, to prove to herself she's not alone either.
and when she stops telling herself that she's cold, she's dismissive, she's alone, when hyoro reminds her of her instinctual ability to care for others, her ability to draw people together, she remembers hyoro's presence in her karuta journey. realizes she's not forgotten him. realizes that they're struggling with the same loneliness. and regains her spirit while also fully acknowledging him as a rival in the sport that connects them.
uuguuhhhhgh im clawing at the walls of my enclosure suetsugu sensei why would you do this! how do you understand the things that need to be understood! how are you so perfectly attuned to love!!!!
