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Just breathe

|| non!idol au

|| cg!Nayeon nd!Tzuyu

•TW: Tzuyu has autism, meltdown, self harm (not graphic)

Long years of abuse and ugly comments taught Tzuyu how to control herself and her autism. She isn't going to lie, it is hard, but if she wants to have work and a relationship she has to control herself.

She is smart, she just must act like everyone else around her. You have to blend in if you want to survive. Tzuyu doesn't fully understand the people around her, Except Nayeon. Nayeon never lies, never hides what she thinks or feels. She understands Tzuyu and numbers. Being a financial analyst is easy for her and her boss knows Tzuyu doesn't like working in a team, so Nayeon is mostly alone in her office and works 8 or 9 hours a day before going home with Tzuyu because they work in the same company.

Friendly and kind Nayeon works in the HR department. Many people wonder how they can be together - weird and timid Tzuyu versus outgoing and gorgeous Nayeon. Nayeon doesn't care about other people, she loves tzuyu.

Nayeon can't describe the strong urge she has. She must protect Tzuyu and take care of her, otherwise people would exploit or hurt her. The best way how to protect Tzuyu is having a "little" day. It is a term to describe that Tzuyu can slip in her comfortable age range during their free days, she can enjoy feeling like a little kid for a day or two. On Fridays, right after work, Tzuyu crucially needs to be little.

The office is full. She can't rock, she can't stim if she doesn't want to look even weirder. Tzuyu sees Momo watching her and tries to smile before her mother's strict voice inside her head stopped her.

Don't smile! Your smile is weird.

That's what her mother always told her. Weird.

W-E-I-R-D.

Tzuyu snaps out of her thoughts and slips her hands underneath the desk and starts hitting her thighs. Her punches are getting stronger, but Tzuyu doesn't feel the pain that bad. She often ends up covered with bruises and scratches without knowing where she got them. Tzuyu knows Nayeon will give her a sad look like always when she finds new wounds on her body, but Tzuyu can't stop herself.

Nayeon turns off her computer and packs her bag before leaving her office. The walk to Tzuyu’s office isn't long, just 4 minutes and she is opening the door. Tzuyu freezes when Nayeon appears on the threshold and Nayeon sighs. She will make sure to put ice on Tzuyu’s slim thighs after getting home.

"It’s okay baby, we’re nearly done."

Nayeon strokes Tzuyu’s hair, her long fingers gently scratches Tzuyu’s scalp and she takes Tzuyu’s coat. Nayeon peeks out of the office to see if the hallway toward the elevators is empty. There is nobody in sight so she gently takes Tzuyu’s hand in hers and quickly leads her out of the office and straight to the elevators.

"Just a bit longer and we will be home."

Nayeon has been with Tzuyu long enough to recognize when she is teetering on the brink of a meltdown. She is sure neither of them wants to have a public meltdown, Tzuyu can be stressed and tired but she always breaks down in private even if the process of pushing her meltdown away exhausts her even more.

The elevator arrives and takes them in the underground parking lot. Nayeon unlocks their car before helping Tzuyu inside and buckling her seatbelt. The traffic isn't bad, they will arrive home in 20 minutes or less, and then Nayeon will unpack Tzuyu’s little things.

Tzuyu is getting worse. she is bitting on her short fingers and rocks in her seat. Nayeon is driving as fast as she can and then she fumbles with her keys and tries to unlock the door to their apartment while also holding Tzuyu’s left wrist in her free hand, Tzuyu’s bitting was getting too brutal, a bit of blood appears on her wrist. Nayeon closes the front door and Tzuyu really can't keep her shit together any longer.

She throws herself on the floor right in the hallway. Nayeon winced when Tzuyu’s body collided with the white tiles and quickly hurries to her. Tzuyu bangs her head against the floor just to get rid of the weird feeling inside her brain. It feels as if ants are crawling inside her skull and it drives her crazy.

Nayeon carefully lies down on the top of Tzuyu while also placing her forearm between Tzuyu’s head and the floor. Nayeon’s weight on the top of her calms Tzuyu down, Nayeon kisses her cheeks and presses her body even closer to her. Tzuyu is sobbing, but she feels a bit better, the pressure inside her head isn't so terrible. Nayeon feels the small hands trying to find some way underneath her shirt. Tzuyu’s sweaty hands stroke Nayeon’s warm skin and then both palms press on Nayeons chest so she can feel the heartbeat. Tzuyu is tired, but she is finally feeling at peace.

Nayeon slowly stands up, ready to lie down on the top of Tzuyu if she continues in her meltdown, luckily she is calm so Nayeon pulls her on her feet.

"Do you want to play?"

Tzuyu weakly shakes her head, no. She is feeling too fidgety to play with some of her toys.

"What about a bath?"

Tzuyu is silently thinking, Nayeon knows how much she loves long bubble baths. Tzuyu slowly nods and Nayeon grabs her little hand. Nayeon leads her into the bathroom where she asks Tzuyu if she can undress her. Water is steadily filling the bathtub while Nayeon is undressing Tzuyu. First she needs to treat the small wounds on Tzuyu’s wrist, she doesn't want the soap to sting in it. She puts a cute band-aid with Hello Kitty on the bite marks and gently kisses the thin wrist.

Nayeon adds a bit of bubble bath formula in the warm water and foaming suds start to appear while berry scent fills the air. Nayeon helps Tzuyu with getting in the bathtub and lets go of her hand only after Tzuyu sits down.

Nayeon gets Tzuyu’s favorite bath toys - there is a yellow rubber duck, a wind-up turtle and a glowing jellyfish. Tzuyu pushes the duck around and Nayeon takes a soft washcloth, she is gently running the washcloth over Tzuyu’s arms and chest; she is slow and gentle, the last thing she wants is scaring Tzuyu into another meltdown.

After the long bath Tzuyu feels much better as if the water washed away her stress and anxiety. Not only she feels better but also smaller. Not physically smaller, but mentally. As Tzuyu is waiting for Nayeon to return with a towel, she slowly inches her thumb near her mouth. When Nayeon reappears, she softly removes Tzuyu’s thumb away from her mouth wispering a quick “that’s dirty, honey.” and then wraps Tzuyu in a big towel with clouds on it. Nayeon easily picks her up while Tzuyu starts to suck on Nayeons collar bone. Tzuyu doesn't care where Mama is carrying her, she knows that Nayeon or Mama how she calls her, means safety. No one can be mean to her when she is feeling like Mamas little girl, otherwise Mama will beat them. Nayeon would really beat anyone who is rude toward Tzuyu when she is this vulnerable.

Nayeon goes in their bedroom and puts Tzuyu down on their bed. She is gently drying her hair and blows on the forming bruise on her forehead. She is quite used to seeing Tzuyu harming herself, but it always hurts her heart.

After drying Tzuyu, putting a pull-up on her and dressing her in a nighty, it is time to eat something. Pasta with some sauce sounds good, Tzuyu won't need to chew that much. Nayeon sits Tzuyu down on the kitchen counter and starts cooking. She starts cooking Rotini pasta and opens a jar of Alfredo sauce. Tzuyu is just silently watching her Mama and sucking on her thumb. She isn't hungry, but Mama will coax her into eating at least a small bowl of pasta with the sauce. Tzuyu squirms a bit, but she is too scared to jump off the counter. Nayeon mixes the pasta with sauce and puts it on plates. She lifts Tzuyu again and sits down in the living room. It is easier to make Tzuyu eat when she can watch the TV and have something distracting her.

Tzuyu is comfy. She is warm, the nighty is soft, Mamas arm is wrapped around her waist and she can watch The Emperor's New Groove. Nayeon remembers every word of that movie, Tzuyu wants to watch it all the time.

Nayeon is slowly feeding her the pasta. Slow and steady pace, that's what won't scare her away. Nayeon reaches her hand to grab a blue sippy cup with white hearts, she holds it in front of Tzuyu who takes a long sip of the juice. After dinner Nayeon decides to have a soft dessert, Tzuyu doesn't like cold ice cream, so they have chocolate pudding. Tzuyu is really full after the dessert, she is full and sleepy. Now it is cuddle time.

Nayeon sees Tzuyu is close to falling asleep and she turns off the TV, she carries Tzuyu into their bedroom and puts her down on the bed.

"Do you need to peepee?”

Tzuyu shakes her head, no and Nayeon strokes her hair. Tzuyu grabs her gray teddybear and brings the fluffy fabric closer to her face. The stuffed bear smells like strawberries, Chaeyoung gave her it as a surprise. Nayeon pushes a light blue pacifier between her lips to prevent Tzuyu from sucking on her lips or fingers. During the workdays when Tzuyu needs to act "normal", she pushes her real behavior away and during weekends she acts the way she wants, and sometimes it means bitting her or Nayeon. Occasionally Nayeon feels like a teething toy, she even tried teething toys, but Tzuyu didn't like them.

Nayeon brings a new pair of fluffy socks and puts them on Tzuyu’s little feet, now her baby is warm and Nayeon lies down. She knows what is coming next; Tzuyu will lie down on the top of her. Nayeon is going to wait until Tzuyu falls asleep and then carefully move her. It will take a while.

One of Nayeon’s hand is rubbing Tzuyu’s back while her second hand plays with Tzuyus soft hair. The pacifier is slowly bobbing between her lips and Nayeon is watching her peaceful face. Tzuyu is so calm, the ruckus inside her head is gone, the itching underneath her skin is also gone. Nayeon watches how Tzuyu’s eyes close and her breathing is slower. Nayeon waits for half an hour before gently grabbing her hips and moving her on the bed next to her. Nayeon is still for a moment, she is waiting and observing Tzuyu if she doesn't wake up. Tzuyu’s slumber is deep, she doesn't even budge.

It is too early for Nayeon to fall asleep. She puts one AirPod in her ear and takes her phone. She starts to catch up with Jeongyeon and Jihyo, stroking Tzuyu’s small hand until she starts feeling sleepy. Nayeon puts her phone away and checks on Tzuyu for the last time before closing her eyes.