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I'm not a happy person. BUT, I'm not a sad person, as well. I'm an ambivalent person. Someone in between, stuck between happiness and sadness. Confused. Happy. Sad. Alone. Not alone. Hopeful. Hopeless. Fearful. Fearless.

At one point in my life, I defined myself as an overall happy person. Like that kid who spoke rainbows and didn't give a shit about what others said because she liked herself. I smiled and shit out happy vibes to those with frowns and pouts and I liked to think that positivity was my greatest point.

I was actually really happy that year, and up to this day I don't understand what I saw because I was blinded by all the happiness that I couldn't take a hold of reality and how some people loathed me. Or maybe right now I'm blinded by all the sadness and that the darkness is actually just a really thick wall that's stopping the light from getting into my head.

It's really complicated. How I manage to see those two sides of the paper is why I consider myself as ambivalent.

It's a really pretty word, actually. Ambivalent. Ambivalence. Ambivalency. Ambivert.

It means that I can't make up my mind about the world. Defines me as someone who is neither introverted nor extroverted because she's actually caught in between. I took a personality test and got 4.9 on extroversion. That's basically a 5 and if that doesn't mean I'm an ambivert, then something must be off with the way the universe works.

I guess it's why whenever I write something as aimless as this, I often get lost. I end up writing shit that doesn't actually matter because I can't control the tap, tap of my fingers on the keyboard. I write these to get these constricting feelings off of my chest.

I'm not sad. Nope. No.

Happy? Soon enough.

I was very happy before. I was probably truly happy. But sad? I don't think I was ever really sad. Ambivalent was what I was.

Yeah.

#random ramble rant rough #uagahagh #gnight #updatess