#ud4

[gemmaxxj-blog]

I waited for this so looooong

[griffinnblake]

#soft

[lunastar92]

Chuku & Sara! ❤

Gabriel & Josephine! 🖤

[theodoredimas]

Please ignore my fat face/self

So, I met Bob. It was a surreal thing that I can’t remember half of because of my anxiety. He’s super sweet and genuine. I couldn’t take a video of giving him the gift because my hands were shaking so badly (I couldn’t even hold my phone for the selfie).

I did want to take a moment first and talk about my anxiety over the past two days so far. I had an anxiety attack at registration on Friday. It was loud and a lot of people. I was looking forward to going to the KTP panel. But after the attack, I was too drained and anxious to go. I was disappointed and frustrated with myself. But I listened to my body. I stayed in the rest of the night. Which turned out was good because I probably couldn’t have gotten through today if I had forced myself to go (plus I got to finish Eliza’s scarf!). Today, from the moment I stepped into the elevator to get to the morning panel, I had high anxiety. Sitting the the room for the panel gave me anxiety. I get sensory overload in those high anxiety moments and it sent me into my first anxiety attack of the day. So I took my CBD. Which helped some. The panel was great but I still had anxiety throughout all of it. My PTSD makes me hyper vigilant and my focus was half on the panel and half on my surroundings. My heart rate was at a steady 140 throughout the entire morning until I left to go for a walk outside (and to give perspective, that’s what it usually is while I’m working out, with my resting around 62 bpm). I walked and my bff distracted me. I went to my room and did yoga to relax my muscles. That helped. Before I left I took some more CBD to help my anxiety. Then I had to head down for the photo op and autos. Which led me to my second anxiety attack and first panic attack. I was shaking like a leaf and couldn’t keep still. My grounding wasn’t helping. I felt like I was suffocating and I hated myself for it. Thankfully I reached out to a friend on here ( @snowingincamelot I love you! ) and they helped me to rationally think through the moments I was panicking over. It helped so much. The photo op was really quick. Just a quick hello and a photo. Then I went to the autograph line, which was it’s own anxiety. I started to feel my anxiety rise and a panic attack coming but I started up with my mantra I got from Arya. Then it was my turn to go meet Bob.

He loved the book of messages. He was really touched and while he couldn’t look at all the messages right there because of the line, he did skim it quickly and said he was impressed by it. And he loved the scarf I personally knitted him. He said he loved the pattern of it which made me want to cry because I was so nervous about giving it him and then he gave me a hug. Which, WOW. He’s an amazing hugger. Also, he’s so tall compared to me (and I was wearing boots with an inch heel). I gave him one other thing that I know could help with his high blood pressure, and he was so happy about having a homeopathic option. All in all, it was amazing but still a blur.

I completely had anxiety brain and was tongue-tied, so I fumbled over my words a lot. At one point he saw my lock screen photo of my dog and said she was cute. I wanted to tell him how I had to retire her from being my service dog for my anxiety/PTSD due to her allergies and age. What came out was, “Yeah, she’s getting old.” A real facepalm moment for me. And then I completely left the thing he autographed on the table due to my anxiety and he had to chase me down to give it to me. So yeah. That’s what’s happened so far today.

[sapphiclightbourne]

I’m still fucking crying. Eliza Taylor and Bob Morley deserve the absolute world.

[theodoredimas]

UD4 was an experience. Bob and Eliza are super sweet and just seem like good, honest people. They’re both so genuine and kind. They take the time to talk to the fans even if it can only be briefly.

Bob loved the gifts I gave him (shown below). I hope once he gets the time to look at the book, he’ll see the impact he’s had on so many, even if what is shown is just a very small scale. He deserves to know how many people he has helped throughout the years. He is also so enthusiastic about showing his affection, which is in general such a rare trait in men. He’s so open about his emotions. He isn’t afraid to cry, even in front of thousands. He just is an all around amazing person. He was so considerate about my anxiety and helping take our selfie due to my shaking hands. Honestly, it all is still a blur. But an amazing blur.

Eliza was just as sweet to meet. I unfortunately couldn’t afford to take a selfie with her as well. But I talked briefly with her about how much KTP means to me, since my grandmother never had an education passed 4th grade and my mother wouldn’t have either if it was for immigrating to the states and finding someone to sponsor her. She also loved the gift (shown below) I gave her and even wore it briefly, which just made me feel so much better about it.

There were private conversations I overheard that I won’t expound on since they were private, but I could just see how truly sincere and real these two are. I was not disappointed at all by the day. I know I’m not the most eloquent when it comes to describing events, so if any have questions feel free to ask!

[theodoredimas]

I hope Bob likes this scarf because it’s gonna be the death of me

[sapphiclightbourne]

The fact that Bob and Eliza had the courage to sit on a panel in front of their fans openly discussing their miscarriage to show other people that the subject shouldn’t be taboo and it happens to anyone just reiterates the amazing human beings that they are. I love them both so much. They’re both so strong and I admire them endlessly.

I wanted to be more deep but I’m crying right now.