a bit scared to post my art here but hello..... i drew something for the birthday girl <3 decided to draw my pfp to celebrate my favourite character of all time. love him lots
a/n: hihi please feel free to take some iwaizumi intermission while i finish my little oikawa trilogy :> written to Taeyeon – Blue.
content: angst | cheating
word count: 2.2k+
[ iwaizumi x reader ]
–––––
You sat on the bottom step outside your back door, hunched over and cradling your hands around a mug of warm milk. The blanket over your shoulders was draped heavily around your body like the secure hug you needed right now. But it wasn’t the same as what you wanted.
You sighed and watched your breath come out in cold, white wisps against the darkened night. You craned your neck up and looked at the galaxy of stars high above you. Everything seemed so infinite in this world. Everything seemed to go on forever. You didn’t know where your sky ended and the rest of the universe began.
You didn’t know why you and him ended, either.
No.
Breathing a silent laugh, you shook your head to yourself. You knew.
It wasn’t the most painless memory. You didn’t think it wouldn’t be for as long as you were alive.
As long as I’m alive, huh? you thought sadly, taking a small sip of milk.
That was going to be a long way to go.
–––––––
“Hajime,” you said softly.
He beamed at you over his laptop from his place on the couch. “Hi, angel.”
I love you.
You clenched your jaw and hated yourself for thinking that right off the bat even though it was true. Even though it made you want to cry. Numbly, you hid your balled-up fists in the deep pockets of your sweater.
“I need to talk to you,” you said calmly.
Your twisted insides were ready to spill out and betray how you sounded.
Iwaizumi stopped typing and gave you a serious look. “Okay,” he replied. He closed his laptop right away, attentive as ever. “C’mere.”
You swallowed and inhaled once to give yourself the push to move. Your steps were slow, hesitant, as you took what no longer felt like your rightful place next to him.
You felt him staring at you as your eyes stayed on the empty floor. You felt your heart begin to pound as you realized that what you were going to start was about to be the end.
His hand came up and you stilled, eyes unblinking as he so carefully tucked a strand of hair behind your ear. You waited for him to draw away but he didn’t. He kept it there, cupped lightly on that side of your head, and leaned over to try and see your face from below.
“You okay?” he asked gently.
Such genuine concern. It sounded so real when you knew it was anything but.
You shook your head.
“Am I?” you answered quietly. “I don’t know, Hajime. Are we okay?”
You finally forced up the courage to look at him and immediately withered.
Iwaizumi’s hand fell and he stared back at you with his mouth slightly open. His dark eyes were searching yours and you could tell he was blanking on a response.
“W-what?” he finally said.
It felt so cold. You felt so alone in this moment. Never before had you thought that being with Iwaizumi Hajime would ever, ever make you feel so alone.
And yet even with him sitting so close beside you, you’d never felt so lonely before in your life.
“You know,” you said, diverting your eyes from his, “I thought you would be the first to say something. I thought you wouldn’t be able to keep it in for so long.”
He moved towards you and tried to take your hand from your pocket but you resisted and clenched harder, growing tense.
“Can you tell me what you’re talking about?” he asked. The conflict in his voice made your heart hurt.
“Hajime, I know,” you said to him, looking back to meet his gaze. “I know what happened in California.”
Your heart finally broke at the recognition that flashed across his face.
There it was.
You’d been preparing to feel this since the day you found out, but you didn’t expect it to hurt so much.
“Y/n,” he breathed, “I was going to tell you–”
“It doesn’t matter what you were going to do anymore,” you interrupted. “It only matters what you ended up doing, doesn’t it?”
Iwaizumi’s brows furrowed with anguish and a hard look as he sought your eyes longingly.
“It didn’t mean anything to me,” he said, steadfast. “It never did. I don’t even–”
“Who was she?” you asked plainly. It scared you how calmly your voice came out, how empty and emotionless you sounded. You sounded like you had nothing left, like you were devoid of any humanity inside, and that’s what scared you the most. It felt like your entire soul was being torn from your body and leaving you lifeless. You lowered your head as tears you hadn’t noticed were there began to fall. It felt so cold both inside and outside. You just wanted the ripping of your heart to stop.
Why won’t it just stop?
It seemed Iwaizumi was scared just as much, because he became even more frantic. His hands desperately roamed for yours and you didn’t have the strength left to fight him off. He grasped your hands in his and squeezed hard, trying to convey his meaning into that one action.
Not that it mattered anymore.
“Y/n,” he coaxed, “listen to me. She was no one. She was nothing. You don’t even have to think about her because I don’t think about anyone else besides you–”
“Then why?” you cried helplessly, practically whispering. “Why did you do that to me, Hajime?”
Iwaizumi’s face was now stained with tears as he looked at the way you curled in on yourself, your hair concealing your face. But he didn't need to see your face to know how heartbroken you were. He could hear everything he needed to in the sound of your voice, and it was more than enough to destroy him.
“I didn’t mean to,” he whispered back. His hands were shaking and he kept yours encased in an iron grip to steady himself. You were his rock. You were who he always went to when he was feeling as low as this, but now you couldn’t be the one to help him. This time, he had to fix it on his own because it wasn’t just him who was breaking now. Now, he’d broken both of you. And he didn’t know if he could ever forgive himself for that.
Iwaizumi had always sworn he’d never be the reason you would cry.
And here he was, breaking his own silent promise. Here he was, breaking you.
It tore him to pieces.
“Y/n,” he croaked, “it was a mistake. It was the biggest mistake of my life. I regretted it the moment I woke up. I was so scared to lose you. I was so scared you’d leave me if I told you right when I got back. I didn’t want that to be the first thing you heard after being apart for so long....”
“You...really slept with someone else....”
“I’m so sorry, Y/n....”
“You really....” Was it really just hitting you now?
“Y/n, I love you.”
“Then why did you do that?” you cried. “To cheat... that’s not something you do to someone you love.” You were practically wailing every word out, begging to have an answer that made sense, but none he gave was enough. Nothing was enough to make you feel okay anymore. Nothing was enough to fix what was breaking in your hands as you spoke, voice cracking, heart sobbing through the words. “It hurts so much, Hajime. Why are you hurting me so much? Why did you do that?”
“Y/n, I never thought anything of her. She wasn’t you. No one will ever be what you are to me. I love y–”
“Liar!” you screamed.
Iwaizumi froze.
Your chest was rising and falling with every breath you took. Your throat felt raw, the lump aching and your nose stuffed, making it hard to breathe. Your eyes felt tight and dried out but the tears still came down like rivers spilling over you.
“You’re a liar,” you repeated quietly. “If you loved me, you would have told me when it first happened. If you really loved me, you never would have let it happen in the first place.”
Achingly, Iwaizumi pleaded again, “I do love you.”
You looked at him and finally took in his whole being for the first time that night. Iwaizumi had always been strong. For you, for himself, for his friends, for anyone who didn’t deserve the unfairness they got. You fell in love with the way he treated you like you were his most important person in the world, the way he made you feel like you couldn’t ask for anything more than everything he gave of himself to you. From day one, Iwaizumi Hajime had always been the love of your life.
So who was this person sitting so broken before you? What kind of Iwaizumi was this to have broken you, himself, and years’ worth of trust with just one choice made in a single night?
This wasn’t your Hajime you fell in love with. This wasn’t your Hajime who you loved anymore, the one who made you laugh and held you close to him, the one who whispered comforting words in your ear whenever you needed them most, the one who told you nothing could hurt you as long as he was there and that he would always, always be there.
No, this was the Iwaizumi who splattered your heart against the walls and let it bleed to the floor without a care as to what it did to you.
And you hated him for it.
“I feel like I don’t even know you anymore,” you whispered harshly.
He moved closer to you almost instantly in a panic. “You do,” he insisted frantically. “You know me better than anyone, Y/n. You know me more than I know myself and I’m in love with you for that–”
“Then I don’t want to anymore.”
Iwaizumi fell silent and you could practically feel the light dissipate from him in flimsy streams of hope lost.
“I wish I never knew you,” you whispered as you squeezed your eyes shut against the blinding pain. It hurt so much. Why did this have to hurt so much?
With a bit of effort, you pried your hands out of his.
“Y/n–”
“No, stop it. We’re done, Hajime. I can’t–”
“Y/n, please, please don’t leave me–”
“Don’t follow me,” you said, rising from the couch to pack your things and leave as fast as possible, to find fresh air as soon as possible. You were choking here and it burned. “I...I can’t look at your face anymore.”
Iwaizumi hesitated but respectfully listened and made no move to chase after you, even though it broke his heart not to, even though every bone in his being just screamed at him to go.
Instead, Iwaizumi sank to his knees on the floor and bent his head to the cushions, staining them with tears he didn’t think would ever let up and silently hating himself but still hopelessly loving you.
–––––––
The times he said I love you.
The times he said you’re beautiful.
The times he gripped your hand.
The times he held your face.
The times he squashed you in his arms in a hug.
The times he kissed you until you couldn’t breathe.
None of those meant anything now. None of it mattered now that he’d ruined it all and left them with abandon on the ground.
You cried silently to yourself for the sake of what you’d both lost.
The night felt even colder with the mug in your hands empty, and you tugged the edges of the blanket tighter around yourself. You looked up again and let the chilled air dry the tears running down your cheeks.
You’d never seen a shooting star before. That was something Iwaizumi had promised you he’d change while you were together. He’d promised to take you to the highest hill, the widest field, and set you up in the most perfect spot to scan the skies and catch something you’d never gotten hold of.
How ironic that it came upon you tonight.
The streak of white flashed before you in a moment’s breath and you closed your eyes automatically, the practice of making a wish from so many nights before playing in like clockwork as you wished for something you never thought you’d want to wish for.
It was only one meteor, and you wished on it for things you didn’t know would come true but that you could only hope would. You wished that everything, including you, would turn out okay. You wished that the pain would stop. You wished that your heart would stop breaking every time you remembered he wasn’t yours. You wished that you could forget about the love of your life forever, for as long as you were alive.
Even if it took you the rest of your life, you just wanted to forget. You couldn’t take it anymore.
Please let me forget all of this. Please let me forget him. Please, please, please. Please let me forget Iwaizumi Hajime.
There are at least 12 dogs on my street. There are a few more down the other side and in the alleyway too. Any time a person walks their dog slowly they ALL go insane. It is a chain reaction. A woman just walked her yappy chihuahua down and set them all off and didn't control it from lunging at the ones in their yard.
When your friends know that you can't listen to Voice Messages and they make kinda important-ish plans via vm and you feel left out and :))) like they :) really :))))) want you to be part :)) of their group :)
