#unbosom

[listenandsilentwrld-blog]

I hate my life today

Don't you ever wish to be somewhere else cuz you are tired of the bullshit. You call life. Today I hate one of my roommates cuz she is a self center controlling bitch and my boyfriend who is a selfish asshole. Arrrggggg. I want to go away of this shitty life for at least 30 minutes 😣

[lofihipbot]

lofi hip hop beats to unbosom to

[red-xlo]

I came out today. It’s been a long time coming and tbh I don’t know why I waited so long. I feel so fortunate to be surrounded by the people I am right now. I’ve never felt stronger with my family and my friends are, as to be expected, fucking amazing. So this really is the beginning of a new chapter for me, ready to take a second shot at life malarkey 🙌

[red-xlo]

For the first time in years I feel myself again, not an expectation, or a role or responsibility I need to be. I’m just me, I can do me and I can do me without all the guilt and anxiety and lows. Never in my life have I been so pleased with the decisions im making. Finally starting to do things right and not be waiting for them to go wrong. Finally fucking living.

I don’t know where I’ll go next or who will be there. All I know is, I got a fresh start a second chance. This time round, I’m saying yes to everything. Time to see and appreciate the good things about this world and try to make a difference with the bad. Instead of sitting by idle in my own negativity and issues. New chapter, let’s see what you’ve got let’s fucking have it 🤙

[red-xlo]

I feel so connected right now, to my thoughts, to my friends and family, to the nature around me.

I feel I’m exactly where I should be, doing what I should be. Doing what I do best, doing me.

Yes you still run through my mind, but there’s no guilt accompanying my thoughts. So If I’m honest I don’t mind all that much, you can stay if you like.

[red-xlo]

I’m sat here preparing for my life without you and you seem oblivious.

The fact I’m finding it so easy hurts a little, it shouldn’t be this easy.

I know I love you, I know the last 4 years have not been wasted and can still be saved.

The fact is I want to be happy.

I’ve worked too Fucking hard and overcome too much shit.

I fixed myself in order to be happy with you, it’s your turn.

Cause I didn’t go to hell and back to accept this is as happy as I get.

The fact is I want to be happy and if I have to leave you to do that. Then I guess this is it.

[red-xlo]

It’s my birthday tomorrow and I know I won’t hear from you.

I tell myself that doesn’t bother me.

I’m lying.

Whilst I’m surrounded by friends and people who actually care, drinking, laughing celebrating.

Deep down all I’ll be asking is

Why don’t you care?

[red-xlo]

It’s no news that I can’t bare my own company, simply because my thoughts end up destroying every shred of happiness or positivity I might have.

I usually try and stay busy stay social it’s the key to my sanity.

Nothing seems right anymore though. Finding I keep removing myself from social situations and spending more and more time alone, knowing the damage it’s doing. Like self sabotage.

Why I’m choosing to walk in terrestrial rain right now instead of eat lunch with my work mates is beyond me, but I can’t face them.

If anyone could see that I am gradually falling apart I would have to face it and I’m not ready. I can’t sleep, I can’t eat, I feel like a zombie.

I keep lying to myself saying it’s going to be okay. I know it’s not until I make a radical change but I’m not strong enough to do so at the moment.

I almost want to say I don’t recognise myself but I do, I just haven’t seen this reflection in a few years. I don’t want to revert back to where I was.

Maybe it will be pass. Maybe I’m spiralling. Maybe the fact that I think I have borderline personality disorder is breaking me more and more each day.

I just need the flashbacks to stop, I just need to sleep. Otherwise I don’t know what options I have left.

Fuck you very much for making me this monster and leaving me to struggle alone.