#batman#bruce wayne#batfam#dick grayson#tim drake#batfamily#dc fanart
seen from Germany
seen from India
seen from Tunisia
seen from Russia
seen from Germany
seen from China
seen from Germany
seen from Germany
seen from India
seen from United States
seen from Nepal
seen from Malaysia
seen from Colombia
seen from United States
seen from Türkiye
seen from United States
seen from Russia
seen from Türkiye
seen from Sweden
seen from United States
We made plans to kiss the sun at night Hopeless dreamers, hopeless types Shedding skin, you show your beauty scars Don't forget me or who you are You know this don't feel right Who knows what we feel? We made plans to kiss the sun at night Hopeless dreamers, hopeless types One was turning, one was standing still I won't forget what was promised here You know this don't feel right Who knows what we feel?
Dot points are handy because sometimes you don't know where to start
(I apologise if I come off as a privileged person. It is just for this post.)
At this very moment, I hate the reasons for why I chose to study creative writing at university.
They're little reasons.
"Because I can" and "because I need to be more creative" is not going to feed me when I am 30.
Well, depending on whether I stay in Australia, that is.
Because if I stay in Australia, it totally could.
Sort of.
Because, in Australia, I can be an entitled snot.
But in Canada--which is where I want to go--I wouldn't be that.
(But ultimately, this degree probably won't feed me, even in Australia.)
Which means I have to change my degree to something that will be able to sustain me in my old age.
I'm thinking about being a French teacher.
...No, I don't know anything about French.
But I can learn French at university.
I want to learn French at university, anyway.
Though, in Australia, I'd like to be a government translator.
But yeah, in Canada, I'd like to be a French teacher.
(Different countries = different demands)
My biggest problem is that I don't know when to start pursuing a French Studies and Education degree. It boils down to whether I think I have time. Because I could still pursue this creative writing degree because, well, yeah, I want to. But on the other hand, I have wasted so much time already--my high school friends have completed their degrees and graduated.
It's kind of Monday and I haven't told my parents that my monologue got published somewhere real.
It's not that hard to pick up the phone and say, "Mom/Dad, I got published," or to drive home and say it to their faces. But then I think about their faces. Their always impassive faces.
It kind of hit me just then: I don't know anything about them when it comes to what they think of what I'm doing. What do they tell people about what I'm doing? All I can remember is before I started what I'm doing that their primary concern was that I was going to a university far away. Not, "oh, why are you doing such an unusual degree?" or "don't you think it'll be hard to get a job after this?"
I don't know if it's because they don't care enough about what I'm doing (or at all) or because they do--if they care enough to want me to be happy by letting me do what I want. We've just never had this talk. It is one of many talks that we have never had, another non-existent talk I can add to the already large count.
It really fuckin' frustrates me.
I can do this. I can do this. And I should do this.
Aside from the fact that I have an essay due in about 16 hours I've only written 100 words for, I am feeling so burdened by all the questions, especially the bastard "ARE YOU DOING THIS RIGHT" one. You know. The college one.
I'm anxious as fuck right now.
I said I was going to experiment and I did. I've pulled all-nighters for assignments due the next day. I made it into the bro-hood; I have more guy friends than girl friends. I did weed. And this is where my experimentation has ended.
I won't drink; I won't drink and make out with someone. This is such an integral part of college life, but I won't get drunk because, I don't know, maybe I hate it? I don't hate it that much though. I'd do it if I was begged. I'd do it if it'd save the lives of starving children in Africa. But, damn, I look at my boys who do this so frequently and I just wonder: why do you do this? Do you need it? Are you doing this because you are young and this is what young people do? Do you think you will find yourself in this drunkenness? Or are you doing this because you know exactly who you are and can't stand to remember yourself?
Because I can't do that. I know enough about myself to say that I can't stand myself, the things I've done, but still I refuse to forget it. 'Cause, fuck, it would be so easy to give in and then I'd never go forward. I'd be fucking stuck forever.
It's past midnight and I can't force myself into doing my Philosophy essay.
I don't know when I became a person who stopped doing things she didn't want to do. I was so much more grown up as a teenager. Told myself I'd do it and I did. These days, I tell myself that I can do things, and by the time I "start" it I still feel as if I can, but I don't. I get tired instead. Very, very tired.
And then I write about my frustrations on here.
Life is all like, "Hey bro, I'm short, so you better do things you like before I'm, like, gone." But Adulthood is very, "I am all about doing things you don't like in the prospect of making a you you can live with in the future." And then Life's like, "Pfft, that's if you're lucky enough to have me for that long." To which Adulthood rebuts, "And if you are that lucky?"
...So anyway, the reason I'm thinking about/personifying life and adulthood is because of writing. I know I want to write, but I'm not so sure if it's now, in the present, that I want to do this. And even if I do want this now, I'm not so sure I want to do this full time; I want to do this as a side project.
I've been asking myself: "Do I do what I want right now (not pursuing writing), or, do I stick it out because I'm going to want it in the future?" I still can't answer this yet. But I know it would be a lot simpler if life and adulthood could be on the same bloody page.
I don't know who I'm turning into. I've always felt so sure of who I am, even when I didn't like who I was. Recently, I found myself lying to somebody when there was no reason to. It felt foreign--I haven't told a lie in forever.
I feel as if no one gets just how zoned out I am right now. Or maybe I'm just not letting on how much this is affecting me. I think the people who really know me know that I'm naturally a confounded person, but I don't think they're realising how dizzied up I am this time. I can't pay attention to save my life.
I'm really wondering what uni is doing to me. It is such a new feeling to socialise on weekdays. I really never thought I'd have the problem of trying to balance my social life and education--when have I ever been a social sort of person? I actually find myself slacking off now when it comes to studying. You would think that's a good thing because I've always been such an uptight person, but when you think I literally almost killed myself to get where I am, to get to uni...well, evidently, it's not a good thing.
I actually know I'm taking things for granted, but I honestly don't care enough to fix that.
