When I’m not working 100 hour weeks I should talk in-depth about the fact that the single most earth-shatteringly effective treatment for my executive dysfunction was forgiving myself for having executive dysfunction.
Sometimes I say that and people act like I’ve gone all kumbaya healing crystals on them, and it’s hard to explain that like. No friend, I’m being very clinical here. I’m talking measurable results—I’m talking clean my apartment, form healthy habits, and show up places on time results.
And it’s because I stopped getting mad at myself when I don’t do those things. Cos it turns out that’s useless bullshit and a waste of time, and when just thinking about a task makes me upset I’m way less likely to do it. The stress and upset are, themselves, additional hurdles I’ve constructed between myself and doing a task. When those are gone, it’s easier to actually get them done.
And then it ripples out, right, because I’m not expending so much time and energy on every little thing, and that means I have more to distribute to other tasks, which are themselves easier. And so on and so forth.
So now when I look at dirty clothes on the floor, the only thing that goes through my head is, “I’ll get to it.”
What if: Lucien went to the Court of Exiles after getting attacked by Tamlin? Post ACOWAR - Established Relationships: Jurian/Lucien, Vassa/Elain. Rated M
“I’m—fine,” Lucien huffed, slightly breathless. Jurian ignored him, pushing him on the bed. Lucien, with all his high fae strength, let him, looking up at the human.
“You went to him,” Jurian said lowly, straddling the male and unbuttoning his shirt. His eyes were alight, his lip pulled back in a snarl. “And look where it got you.” He pulled a hand up and pushed down at the point below Lucien’s right eye. Lucien hissed, trying to pull back. The bruise was still puffy and dark.
“Asshole,” Lucien muttered. Jurian pushed down at the point harder, until Lucien flinched away, glaring. “I get it. Fuck off—I get it.”
“Vassa is outside threatening to burn the Spring Court down to embers.”
“Mother above, Jurian, I get it.” Jurian continued to unbutton Lucien’s shirt, revealing more bruises he knew he couldn’t hide from the man. The human was too observant.
“You clearly don’t,” Jurian said back lowly, pushing two fingers into one of the bruises. Lucien groaned in pain and tried to push the man off. He didn’t budge, pinning Lucien’s arm to the bed. “Once I’m done with you, I need to go out there and make sure Vassa doesn’t start another war on a Tuesday afternoon. I don’t think even Elain can stop her right now.” Elain, the only reasonable member of the Court of Exiles, and Vassa’s ever-patient partner.
“So what?” Lucien hissed, half-snarling. “Are you gonna fuck me? Are you gonna hold me down and—” Lucien cut himself off with a pained groan as Jurian pushed two fingers into another bruise, silencing him.
“No,” Jurian said, smiling sweetly. “I’m not going to fuck you every time you act like a dumbass.” The implication was clear—I’m not Tamlin. I’m not going to use sex as a punishment. Even now, as rage hissed in Lucien’s bones, he was grateful for that. Grateful for all Jurian was forcing him to unlearn. “You’re going to lie in this bed and take a nap.”
“I’m not a child—”
“I don’t care,” Jurian said, cutting Lucien off. “You’re here, in my bed. If you want to do a fucking cartwheel, do it in your own room. I won’t stop you.” Jurian slid off of Lucien, leaned against the bedpost, and gestured to the door. Really, go, he seemed to say. Lucien glared at the man, but didn’t move. Asshole.
“Lovely,” Jurian said dryly. “Now, I’m going to make sure Vassa hasn’t set our dining room on fire. Sleep tight!” He was gone a few moments later. Lucien huffed, a quiet act of rebellion. But Jurian’s bed was soft, and he had a sneaking suspicion the tea Elain had offered him upon arrival was laced with something, because sleep came with dizzying swiftness once Jurian was gone.
I’m trying not to let the possible judgement from other people get in the way of things I enjoy and want to pursue.
I really enjoy learning Swedish. I’ve kept up with it every day since mid December, I enjoy how it feels to learn something new, learning a new language in particular. I’m proud of myself for continuing to do this thing that I enjoy.
I know it might seem weird to people - it definitely seemed weird to my ex - she tolerated?indulged? me in it, but with (what felt like) a sort of resignation and exasperation - like of course I would chose this very weird thing to latch on to, so she’s gonna not understand it and she’s definitely gonna make fun of me for it, but she’ll also buy me a “Swedish first words” coloring book -
- but I don’t think it’s any stranger than wanting to learn any other language or become interested in any other culture. And I’m not doing anyone any harm by learning.
It’s the letting go of what other people think or how other people will react that’s the hardest for me. Because I’m so attuned to that - even if I did those things anyway, I was still so hyper aware of how I came across to others.
