the idea of ever describing sam and dean as "more than just brothers" is insane to me. what do you mean more than "just" brothers. each other's brother is practically all either of them are. it's practically how they self identify. dean is "sam's brother", and sam is "dean's brother". dean's sense of self is held up by sticks, glue and his deep foundational need to keep sammy safe. he's sam's big brother before he's anything else. and sam can try to pretend that he could have a life outside of being a winchester, outside of being dean's little brother, but time and time again he proves he's the same, if not worse. they need to be brothers more than they need to breathe. anything else is secondary, or directly tied up as a facet of their brotherhood.
René draw their faces the same challenge (y’all, click to get better quality)
This sucked!
That was an understatement, Mike hated this with a passion. Here he is with his “best friend” arguing in the goddamn basement because of a painting Will decided he needed to lie about. It should be a simple thing to fix but things have been going horribly and Mike is finding it harder and harder to hold himself together. He shouldn’t take it out on anyone, he doesn’t want to but sometimes his mouth is faster than his brain.
Will is saying something about feeling like he had to lie and that they should just drop it, its just a stupid painting. And if Mike had been listening better then maybe he wouldn’t be reacting as he does. Maybe he’d realize that him and Will had just been feeling a little lost . But all he hears is the fact that Will had just called his artwork stupid and condensed everything that came with it into something small and meaningless. Which hurts so bad in a way Mike can’t even comprehend. Salt in the wound that is the gaping hole from Will lying to him.
“Bullshit, Will! That’s not fair and you know it!” Because even if Will had had a good reason to lie to him, that doesn’t mean it's right. They never lied to each other. Things kept changing but that wasn’t supposed to be one of them and UGH-
He HATES this!! He hates it.
Will has been responding to him tenfold with whatever he decides to dish out like its been pent up inside of him this whole time. And to be fair, Will had apologized over and over by now. Probably too many times even and Mike thinks that maybe he should drop it. They could be doing other things. Better things. Like actually hanging out or to a lesser extent, figuring things out with the upside down. He should be celebrating having his friend back. But whenever he gets the thought, everything just hits him all over again at the fact that Will had even lied in the first place. It felt like his heart had been put through a shredder and then sewn back together all wrong. Forced to continue functioning even if it hurts.
Will scoffs pushing back, “Not fair? What’s not fair is being blamed for something I didn’t do!”
And okay so maybe he has a point there, he hadn’t actually been the one to mess things up with El. Mike was just mad and uncomfortable and hurt. Too much was happening too fast and the world is ending on top of that and his best friend is lying to him.
Will derails his train of thought, again.
“I’m sorry for lying! For- for using El’s name,’ he says this part quietly, and Mike watches as the guilt overpowers his anger for a few seconds, “ but, Betrayal?? Really, Mike?”
Alright, he can admit (to himself not to Will) that maybe, that word is a little dramatic but he lied. Will looked him in the eye and lied!! That’s a pretty big fucking deal. And that’s enough to get him back going again.
“Lying was the betrayal, Will!!” He feels his voice shake and he wonders how words can make you feel so god damn tired.
“Friends. Don’t. Lie. Do you even care about that anymore??” Part of him thinks that maybe Will does still care but it clearly not enough cause he still lied, right to his face, disguised it as his sister for some stupid reason, and lied. Maybe he was afraid.
…
But Will’s not a coward, he’s not a coward.
“What!- of course I care, Mike!” A flash of something runs across his friend’s(?) face and Mike feels his fingertips buzz.
“Maybe…” and Mike snaps back to reality as Will pauses, some of the fire leaving his eyes.
“Maybe I didn’t think we were friends anymore-“
…
“W-what-” why would he think that, why would he think that.
“You acted like I was some- some creep or- something that you met on the street.” The fire lights itself again in Will’s eyes as he gets frustrated again and he feels his fingers tingle again. He clenched his fist.
The hell is this?
“Sue me if I didn’t think my words held any weight to you anymore.”
This is wrong, this is so so wrong. A silence blankets the room the only thing cracking through being the taps of rain hitting the house that he can just barely make out in the cover of the basement. Why would Will think that? There’s no way things have gotten that bad.
…
Sometimes it did feel that bad though, thinking back all that time he spent in this basement once the Byers left. How it had felt like a hole was in him and a weight was sitting heavy in his chest all at once. Those months had felt like some of the hardest times in his life, maybe second to when Will went missing. Only made worse by the inability to even reach Will because of the stupid phone always being busy. He probably should’ve sent more letters.
Maybe it had sucked just as bad for Will too. He watches as Will bends over slightly, hiding, and shoulders shaking. Tears hit the carpet beneath them and Mike feels like his heart is shattering.
If he’s being really truly honest with himself, maybe he gets why Will lied. He hadn’t been the nicest honestly. But having to accept that they’d hurt each other in any kinda of way. When it didn’t used to be like this.Promising to go crazy together and everything.It was hard. It’s easier to deny it.
…Will doesn’t deserve that though.
“Will-“ his name slips through his thoughts but he can’t find himself mad at it. Will snaps himself back up, movements jerky. The tears still run down his face but he’s angry and Mike feels himself pull towards Will. The tingle taking over his whole body.
His eyes lock with Wills’ and he pauses in his movements. They’re doing that thing again where it’s like they talk but no words come out and Mike can’t help himself feel some relief because at least that hadn’t changed.
The tears still tumble down Will’s cheeks but his face slips into something more crestfallen than angry and Mike knows he looks the same as he watches Will’s eye flit around his face eventually tracing a tear that makes its way down Mike’s face.
He’s really crying right now, Jesus.
Will sniffles, and looks away after a moment but Mike isn’t done cause there’s just no way he’s going to sit here and let his best friend think they aren’t fucking friends anymore. What the hell-
He pulls him into a tight hug, and feels like the stars have aligned or something incredibly cheesy but very real feeling has happened. Will is a little caught off guard but he leans heavy against Mike, arms snaking they’re way around and he feels the tingles grow tenfold as it happens.
“I’m sorry.”
And Mike isn’t surprised when he hears them both say it at the same time. The spot where Will is squished into him warming as he speaks into it . Mikes feeling kinda shitty right now but something almost giddy like flutters in him at the feeling. He burrows himself deeper into Will, hunched over but warm. Nose pressed into the crook of Will’s neck and Mike doesn’t know what he was thinking depriving himself of this when he was in Cali.
They stay there for a minute just soaking in finally being on the same page before he feels Will tug back gently. And Mike has to shove down a pout at the loss of contact. Will doesn’t step away though ;much to mikes happiness. So he supposes it’s okay and allows his hand to linger around the back of Will’s neck.
Will holds his arms in his own remnant of their hug and he looks him in the eye. Something bubbles in his chest at the sight.
“You’re my best friend, Will.” He says, a new type of light dancing in Will’s eyes.
“And- and I love you, okay? Your words will always matter.”
A whole flurry of emotions flitter across Will’s face before he settles on something fond. Mike wipes a few of the tears off of him.
‘I love you too’ his eyes say, at least that’s what Mike thinks.He could be wrong but Will is looking away and mumbling a soft “I love you too”, shy. And okay so what if Mike is smiling a little too hard now. Sue him! Being told I love you feels nice!
Will looks back at him, face definitely more red, a sweet look in his eye and Mike heart sings a song he thinks only Will has ever made it sing.
“Thanks Mike”
He thinks he should say ‘I love you’ every time he looks at Will if that means his best friend is gonna look like that every time.
It’s what his Will deserves and maybe it also makes him feel a little nice too but, so what! He thinks he’s allowed that.
A smile graces his own face,
“‘course” he says easily and Will is smiling a little brighter too. The tears finally subsiding.
Mike throws an arm around Will’s shoulder, pulling him closer into him.
“No more lying though, cool?”
And he can practically hear the eye roll Will does but he doesn’t miss the fondness in his tone when he lets out a
“heh- Very cool.”
Thank goodness.
__________
Edit: i dont know why but i giuess the post is a little broken. I’ll be posting on AO3 so I’ll fix it but for now ill try to figure something out. Thanks for reading C:
it's important to me that sam's college friends have various theories about his childhood but are reluctant to gossip about what they figure must have been some pretty horrific abuse behind his back, so there's just kind of this black cloud around sam's childhood that everyone is quietly judging and making assumptions about without talking to him, and everything they say to each other just builds on it until it's this huge gnarly mass he can't escape from.
he doesn't even mention dean unless he's really seriously drunk, and everyone has different ideas about him, ranging from him having died tragically, to him and sam having had an incestuous relationship that sam ran away from. sam gets really defensive when people try to poke at the subject of dean, and for a lot of his friends it's the only time they've seen him properly outwardly angry, which just fuels the fire.
when it gets around that sam just up and left with this mysterious (not-dead) brother to look for their dad without a word after jess died, everyone freaks, and for once they're all saying the things usually deemed too ugly to say out loud right into sam's voicemail, in an effort to beg sam back home.
for at least a week sam is fielding constant calls about everything his friends have been thinking about him and his family his entire college career, but had been too polite to say aloud. it's a slap in the face, a bucket of cold water in the morning, a sudden reminder that he was never normal, and despite doing his very best to shed his previous life, it clung to him like a second skin, and everyone who spent more than a day around him could smell it on him.
it gets worse when they return to palo alto to take down the shapeshifter. sam might have been able to play-act at normal without dean, but he knows it's hopeless when they're together. he's scared they'll see it on him like a brand. he's not even sure what it is. this sick jumble of feelings in his chest when he looks at his brother? the preternatural way they know each other, that casts light on how irregular they are in all other interaction? the trained violence that lives in their skin?
previously, the only people ever in their orbit long enough to see him in any real capacity were victims and other hunters. and he knows with certainty that without the immediate threat of death or the liberal relationship with "normal" that makes one turn to hunting, he'll be pinned like a beetle, on display.
dean age nineteen so horribly, sickeningly infatuated with his little brother and ridden with guilt that he sees it reflected in everyone around him. a friendly hand on sam's shoulder is suddenly lecherous, the welcoming gaze a leer, each friendly comment a deceptive come-on. he goes mad with it, really. everyone is out to get his little brother, he can't be left alone for a moment, but every imagined advance cut short is a mirror into dean's most disgusting fantasies. he wrestles with himself, knowing it is not the helpful teacher, librarian, bus driver, or grocery clerk that sam needs protection from, but himself.
mikami autism spectrum disorder sooooo neat to me. mr. strong sense of justice. like obviously a lot of death note characters have a very strong clearly defined sense of justice, but mikami's is so strong in the way people mean when they're specifically talking about the autistic trait ... the black and white right/wrong thinking ... the obsession with goodness and fairness and contribution ... the clear split of " good " people and " bad " people that results in a very simplistic way of viewing the world's problems ...
i do think having light also be autistic adds such a fascinating dimension to their contrasts. light who is able to pretty much fully mask and in the ways it is still evident he is praised and celebrated. compared to mikami who is autistic in a way that society tolerates but does not approve of. his perceived shortcomings ridiculed and his great efforts and positive traits only minimally recognized. he has scraped himself up into a respectable position in adulthood, but he had to fight tooth and nail to get there, and despite his success he still lives an isolated and singular lifestyle.
so interesting, then, that their worldviews turn out so very similar, yet different. mikami whose black/white thinking was encouraged and strengthened by the injustice he experienced in his youth and further compounded by his experiences at this one thing where his oddities were tolerated and even praised. compared with light who is praised and celebrated, yet is deeply isolated from his peers, a friend of all and a friend of none. his worldview shaped from that mostly opposite experience. that they are uniquely positioned to understand each other like few others would ever be able to, and yet still in all likelihood never would, in many ways due to their similarities.
they are fundamentally coming at things from different angles. they may find the same solution, but the path to get there is entirely different. the man who hikes the treacherous path to the top views the mountain far differently than the man on the gondola and so on. they are wired so similarly and yet are irrevocably not the same. and i think even if they ever really truly properly met each other, they would find no solace in the other.
i do think sleeping with any girl sam shows even a modicum of interest in is just insane and screwed up enough that it's exactly the type of thing a teenaged dean winchester would do.
