I miss being happy, satisfied. feeling accomplished. feeling something other than hate and regret.
I hate the fact that words can cut through my bones, the pain keeps me up at night and there is no place to vomit how i feel, i am cluttered, trapped into hell i have chosen.
I wish i never chose it. i want my old hell, one where there is a lock on my door. One where there is calmness to ease my mind. Where i am untouched and unbothered. The little things i used to love waking up for, i am now filled with hatred for. Sleeping early? means ill feel him next to me. Waking up early? means i have to face him. coffee? healthy treats? no, i have to make it the way he likes it so i can secure a future. One where i am allowed to act basic right without bleeding through my lips and nose. Or big for a last chance to redeem myself, or loose half of my weight because i fear my fathers punches. im still caged, trapped. useless and used. but safe. the only thing bled ever since was the running river between my thighs, for aborting my blessings as they call it, I never believed it was, I saved him for all I know..