It's not like I forget about it. I'm reminded every day. A little thought, somewhere, flickering...It's always there, and I know. It bothers me all the time, but most days I can even joke about it. (And then there's always a flash of pain.)
Some days...I just start thinking about people. About everyone else. About how great they are. Friends (am I allowed to call them that?), family, people I used to know, and people that don't know me. And I just want to keep apologising to them. To my parents especially, for being a a shit daughter, a disappointment, and a complete nuisance at family gatherings. I'm sorry for the last one, mother. And the one before. I'm sorry.
It pains me whenever someone says that I'm smart. Look at all the decisions I've made, all the things I've said to people. I'm stupid and insensitive when it comes to the things that really matter. I don't know when to stop blathering once I've started. I don't know diddlysquat.
I also don't know what else to write. There are eight years of emotional turmoil resurfacing right now. I don't have the skill to capture all of that in words.
