hurts like hell
Ao3 | 2.5k | Rated: Teens | tarlos angst, break-up and post 3x02 spec fic
Summary: Carlos visits TK in the hospital three times while he's recovering from his hypothermic coma. Once with friends and family, once alone while TK is still unconscious... and the third time? Well, TK is awake for the third time. aka: a breakup and post-3x02 spec fic mashed into one.
for the anon who requested 12. on the angst prompts: “You were the one who walked out, not me.” I feel like you looked into the future with this one. I’ve already got a prompt for 38 which I’m still working on, so I did 12 for you instead😊
song: hurts like hell by fleurie
How can I say this without breaking? How can I say this without taking over? How can I put it down into words? When it's almost too much for my soul alone I loved, and I loved and I lost you
It was Nancy that called him to tell him what had happened. TK is in the hospital. And his first reaction was to go straight there, acting as he would have when he and TK were still together because even now, he couldn’t stop his heart from beating wildly in his chest at the thought of TK once again on death door in a hospital bed.
His first visit was surrounded by friends and family, the people who knew him, the people who knew TK, the same people when knew them as TKandCarlos. And the same people who knew that they were broken up but knew nothing as to why from what he could gather from Nancy and Paul’s questioning texts.
His second visit was alone.
At first, he was going to stop after the first visit, telling himself that it was to temper his curious and fearful mind of the possibilities. But then he came back early in the morning a couple of days later after a long shift where his thoughts were still consumed by TK and the guilt he felt with the way their relationship seemed to have fallen to pieces.
He walked in with daffodils in hand because they were the only yellow flowers he could get his hands on so early and peeked in the doorway to check no one else had managed to get in before him.
He wasn’t sure he would ever be mentally prepared to see someone he loves like this. Paler than ever with a ventilator assisting him to breathe. It, ironically, took the breath out of him. It was a different feeling coming here alone. The emotions felt rawer, truer, and less muddled.
With care, Carlos added the daffodils to a lightly filled vase of starting-to-wilt flowers before gingerly taking a seat by the beside and gathering one of TK’s hands in his own. As much as he didn’t want to admit it, he knew that he was nowhere near over TK like he’d been trying to convince himself that he was, despite knowing how they got to where they are.
__________
Carlos woke with a start from his dream, his nightmare, the memory of smoke irritating his lungs and soot coating his skin and hair. Staring up at the ceiling, he placed a hand over his heart willing it to settle as he reached out the other to feel for TK, just to take comfort in the fact that they were both alive and well.
His hand met cold sheets instead.
Confusion and concern overrode the fear and anxiety of the nightmare. Carlos passed his gaze around the room; TK was nowhere in sight. The ensuite light was off and no light seemed to be coming through the bedroom door to the living room.
Carlos shivered, the full-body sweat from the nightmare cooled on his skin. Stepping gingerly he crossed the bedroom, being quiet in case TK had moved to the couch to sleep. When he reached the doorway, he leaned out, peering into the dark room only to find TK sitting perched on the couch with a mug cradled in his hands, frozen with a thousand-mile stare looking as though he had barely slept a second.
“TK?” he said lowly, so as not to startle his boyfriend, “What are you doing up?”
“Regardless of how gently Carlos tried to rouse him, TK still jolted at the sound, shaking himself out of whatever daze he was in.
“What are you doing up?” TK echoed him, avoiding the question himself as he set down his mug and beckoned Carlos to join him, “Nightmare?”
Carlos nodded, still slightly shaken that he doesn’t think anything of TK’s odd behaviour, and accepted the mug of steaming camomile tea that TK brewed for him instead.
He didn’t know it then, but it wouldn’t be the last time that he would wake to a cold bed.
________
Those nights continued to happen more often than not, and it became a ritual of sorts that TK would make him some tea and they would sit in comfortable silence, TK’s arm wrapped around his shoulders as they watched whatever tv show that was being played at the ungodly hours, the sound played on low volume until they were tired enough to go back to bed.
It wasn’t until his nightmares lessened did he question it more, finally noticing that TK wouldn’t answer any personal questions as to why he was up. After some time it became frustrating, not getting the answers when clearly his boyfriend was not doing well. He had bags under his eyes, and as far as Carlos could tell he barely slept. He didn’t know how deeply it went.
When he went back to work, TK and his crew were still looking to find a place to work together, so he would oftentimes come home to their hotel room that they had been staying in to find TK had made him dinner, all fakes smiles asking him about his day. Carlos only knew they were fake because he knew how sullen TK would become when he was alone in the twilight hours.
Worry and concern pulled at him, stretching his tolerance thin and it all came to head one evening after Carlos had pleaded for TK to talk to him, to talk to someone, anyone. And when TK refused once again he couldn’t take it anymore. Exhausted from going around and around in circles he tiredly said that he needed some time, even had begun to walk out the door to just put a little space between them for a moment when he heard TK mumble under his breath, “Maybe it would be better if you didn’t come back.”
So he didn’t.
He wanted to come back the moment he stepped out the door, but he followed TK’s cue. He didn’t get a single text message or call asking for him to come back, so he didn’t call or text TK either. It didn’t stop him from feeling guilty the whole time.
That was less than a month ago and they had managed to avoid crossing paths at work. That is until the snowstorm. And now here he was, sitting by his ex-boyfriend's bedside. He stayed for as long as he could until, inevitably, his friends came to visit. Carlos took his leave, not wanting to be the subject of awkward questions.
His third visit came almost a week after the second. And a lot of things had changed since.
“Carlos?”
Carlos stopped short at the door, only realising too late that TK was in fact awake and his dad was with him.
“Oh,” he breathed out feeling like a deer caught in headlights, “I think I might …” he indicated with his thumb to the exit, hoping for a swift getaway. That was quickly dashed when Owen stood from his seat with a groan.
“No, no. Stay, stay, I need to go stretch my legs anyway.”
Carlos stayed awkwardly in the doorway as Owen passed him with a pat on the shoulder and a sympathetic look. He looked to TK unsure if he should stay.
TK, for his part, pressed his lips together in a thin line and let out a short, “Hey,“
“Hey, I just came to see how you were doing. Nancy didn’t tell me you were awake.” Carlos fidgeted at the door, wanting to leave but also missing being able to talk to TK.
TK, however, didn’t seem to be quite so conflicted as he crossed his arms with a frown, “she told me you visited last time she was here. I’m surprised you still cared.”
The barb hit home, and it hurt Carlos more than he expected. He responded softly, “I’ve always cared about you TK.”
TK huffed, tightening his arms across his chest, “Could’ve fooled me. You were the one who walked out, not me. Remember?”
“Because you wouldn’t talk to me!” Burst out Carlos finally taking a couple of steps into the room. He paused and closed his eyes. This wasn’t the time or place that he wanted to talk about this. Breathing in deeply he continued, voice measured, “I tried getting you to open up for months.”
“I didn’t want to burden you!” TK fired back, voice raised and coloured in emotion as he threw his arms wide.
“Burden me?” he questioned with heat.
“You were struggling with nightmares of the fire for so long, and I didn’t want to make it worse with my own problems,” TK half-shouted, “I was trying to fine for you.”
Carlos shook his head, speaking quietly, “Don’t use me as an excuse for not communicating. You say you were trying to be fine for me, but you put these walls up around yourself, you shut down on me.”
TK slumped down in the bed and looked at his hands, shamefaced, “I didn’t want it to be another thing that’s wrong with me that you would have to deal with.”
Carlos moved quickly and sat in the seat that Owen had vacated, “Being with you has never been something that I had to deal with. I loved you TK, I chose to be with you, but It hurt too much when you wouldn’t let me in,” he said beseechingly, trying to get TK to understand.
TK sat silently, hands in his lap as he avoided eye contact, processing what Carlos just said, not knowing how to respond. He felt pained over the thought that he had been hurting his boyfriend for so long and not knowing what to say to make things right.
Carlos, however, misunderstood the silence, taking it as a cue that the conversation was over, and stood, wordlessly leaving the room before pausing at the door, “I guess that’s it then. I’ve said all I can say.”
He left without another word. What he didn’t hear this time is TK’s quiet, “Don’t go.”
-
It was a couple of weeks later that he saw TK again, this time it was at his parent's ranch, which he had been staying at since he and TK had split. What he didn’t expect to see, however, was how fired up TK was when he came knocking at the door.
“TK? What are you doing here?” he asked, stepping through the front door and pulling the shut behind him, giving them some privacy from his family who were setting up for lunch.
“I’m not ready to give up on us,” TK said in a rush.
“Wha-“
TK didn’t give him a chance to even finish the first word of his question, “You were right, what you said in the hospital. I did shut down on you. I thought I was being what you needed me to be but in doing that I closed myself off, you were having your own issues I didn’t think you would notice.”
Carlos waited as TK took a deep breath, clearly psyching himself up to say what he was about to say next.
“I was depressed and when you started calling me out on it, tried to get me to talk to you about it, I didn’t know how, I was already in so deep, so when you wanted to take a walk that night, a dark part of my head was telling me that you should save yourself from me,” He met Carlos’s eye regretfully, “and I guess you heard me.”
“TK, I-“
TK put up a hand, “Let me finish, please.” He pleaded.
Carlos nodded and breathed out a quiet, “Okay.”
TK reached for both his hands, grasping them tightly in a way that didn’t hurt, and looked deeply in his eyes, “I’m sorry for not being open with you, for not communicating my feelings when you did with me. Opening up is not something I’m used to in a relationship, I’m used to bottling it up and dealing with it on my own. And I know that it’s not healthy which is why I’ve been going to therapy ever since you left. I want to be better for you if you’ll let me.”
The silence between them was palpable when he had run out of things to say. Carlos raised his eyebrows and tilted his head as he searched TK’s eyes, “Are you done?”
TK nodded, looking nervous now that he had finally bared his heart and mind after so many months of silence,
Carlos gave his hands a little squeeze and offered a gentle smile, “TK… as much as I like to say if it’s not meant to be, it’s not meant to be and that it’s important to know when to move on, I never really meant it because I still love you even if I’ve been trying to convince myself that I’m not.”
TK took a step closer closing the distance between them, “I still love you too.”
He knew things weren't magically perfect, but he couldn’t deny what his heart and his body were telling him. Carlos released TK’s hands and held TK’s face in his hands instead, “I never stopped loving you, even when it hurt so much.”
TK’s hands settled on his hips, as their faces inched closer together, “I didn’t mean to hurt you.”
“I know you didn’t,” Carlos replied, feeling TK’s breath on his lips.
“I missed you” TK whispered, unable to look anywhere but Carlos’s eyes while their lips were a hair’s breadth apart.
“I missed you too,” Carlos breathed before finally closing the space between them and pressed his lips to TK’s. It felt like coming home.
They were tentative at first, feeling each other out as if kissing for the first time until the flame that had been missing between them ignited once more and they pulled each other in so tight that they were each keeping the other from losing balance. The kiss became more desperate as they remembered how much they each had longed for this moment, their hands roaming each other’s bodies as if they had forgotten what the other felt like.
Eventually, though they had to break apart, each needing to take a breath before they passed out. Their forehead stayed pressed together as they breathed in each other panting breaths.
“Hi,” Carlos said softly.
TK smiled warmly, “Hi.”
“Did you want to stay for lunch?” Carlos asked quietly.
TK’s smile grew, turning into a grin, “I’d like that.”
Carlos returned the grin with one of his own, sliding his hand from where it was at the back of TK’s neck and down to his hand, interlacing their fingers together. He put his other hand on the door handle and paused. He looked back at TK, feeling the love that he had thought he had lost take root back in his heart, and with that he opened the door.