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Aug 30, 2021

Selfhood

Fanfiction:

Utahiroba Jun x Darvish Kenji (Golden Bomber)

Note: This story is Jun centric, since it’s his birthday today ^-^

Nervously Jun folded and unfolded the napkin again. It was a cheap paper napkin. The family restaurant had been Yutaka’s suggestion, probably because it was close to his apartment. Shou had agreed, probably because the food was cheap, and that had settled things.

Jun would have felt weird to insist on a fancier place. After all, he hoped they would get over with this quickly. Depending on the reaction of his bandmates, sitting with them through a three-course meal afterwards was the last thing he wanted. If worst came to worst, he wanted to be able to grab his bag and run.

“So, what did you invite us for today, Jun?”, Shou asked. It was kind of adorable how he tried to host their conversations as their band leader at times but never managed to radiate any sense of authority.

Jun shuffled on his seat and finally put down the napkin.

It was rare for them to meet outside of work and now that the tour was over, they would usually avoid seeing each other for a while. His invitation must have sparked their curiosity. Jun felt sick.

“I asked you here today, because there is something I would like to share with you”, he said and cleared his throat.

He had practiced the words out loud in front of his bathroom mirror and it had felt relieving to hear them out in the open. But he hadn’t actually told anyone yet and the nerves upset his stomach and made his mouth taste weird.

Maybe it wasn’t a good idea to tell them. It wasn’t like they needed to know after all. It was just Jun’s business. It didn’t have to affect the band if he just managed to suppress it harder.

“Please tell me you are not going to invest in another café”, Yutaka groaned. “It’s not going to work this time either.”

Jun gritted his teeth.

“No, of course it’s not that. I was insecure whenever to tell you at all, but we work together so closely, so I feel like you deserve to know.”

He inhaled deeply. This was why he had to tell them. Because if it came out another way, it might affect all of them. He had to start telling people somewhere, if he ever wanted to come to terms with himself, and the people he was working with the closest were a good start. It seemed like a relatively safe space to test for reactions, too, although he was still scared of what might happen.

“Just spit it out already”, Shou urged.

The only one who hadn’t spoken at all yet was Kenji sitting right next to him. He never liked to engage in the conversation if he felt that the atmosphere was tense, but his calm felt somehow supportive. Jun resisted the urge to lean into him, just because Kenji felt so stable. He was scared of Shou being troubled by the news and of Yutaka making fun of him. He wasn’t scared of Kenji’s reaction though.

“I’m gay!”, Jun burst out.

Everyone at the table seemed to exhale with relief. Jun wondered what they had expected him to say that could possibly be worse.

“Okay”, Shou said calmly. “Thanks for telling us, Jun. We appreciate the trust you put in us. Of course, we will support you.”

Jun was surprised by his mature response. It sounded exactly like the kind of thing you would want for a reaction.

“Woah, that’s big news”, Yutaka said and ran his hand through his hair, which made it stick up in all directions. “Congrats, man.”

Jun sensed his shoulders slumping down. It felt like a physical weight had been lifted off him. Deep down, he had been scared of his bandmates rejecting him. But even if he had assumed they wouldn’t be hateful, he had been sure they would be awkward about it and make the whole situation uncomfortable by not knowing what to reply. However, both Shou and Yutaka seemed slightly surprised but very much at ease and genuinely happy for him.

Hesitantly, Jun turned to Kenji.

“Oh my god, Jun!”, he said. “I can’t believe this. It’s such a surprise! I’d never have seen this coming. I’m stumped!” He was emphasizing every word like a very bad actor at a school play.

“Kenji?”, Jun asked quietly.

“You? Gay? I mean, what?!”, Kenji carried on.

Jun turned his head to look at Yutaka and Shou on the other side of the table.

“Okay, what’s going on?”, he wanted to know.

“Nothing! I’m just surprised!”, Kenji said.

Shou hung his head.

“Kenji”, he said with a quiet sigh.

“Seriously, dude”, Yutaka said aggressively. “We’ve rehearsed it so many times and this is the best you can do?”

“I’m sorry”, Kenji whined.

“Wait, you’ve …?” Jun’s stomach twisted. “You’ve rehearsed this?”

“We just wanted to get it right”, Shou said apologetic. “Make you feel supported and safe.”

Yutaka pointed his thumb at Shou.

“Yeah, he was very troubled and googled how to react to your friend coming out correctly. Obviously, ‘well, duh’ would have been a hurtful reaction.”

“What?”, Jun asked. He didn’t know what else to say. He felt weirdly ambushed and all the relief from earlier was gone. He had prepared for this moment so much and somehow his bandmates didn’t seem to treat it very seriously.

“Hey, Jun”, Shou said and put his hand on the table as if he wanted to reach out to Jun but didn’t dare to touch him without permission. “We wanted to be prepared just in case, because we really care for you. I know it took courage to tell us, even if we kind of figured.”

His voice was warm and gentle and it nearly made the tears well up in Jun’s eyes.

“So, it’s …”, Jun broke off, because his voice cracked. “It’s not a problem for you?”

“Honestly, Jun, I thought you were openly gay when I hired you”, Shou confessed and smiled awkwardly. “It never occurred as a problem to me.”

Jun nodded shyly and looked over at Yutaka.

Yutaka held up his open palms as if he wanted to defend himself.

“Don’t look at me, I also thought you were gay right away.”

Jun made a face. It felt ridiculous that he himself had needed so long to figure it out. He felt slightly upset that his bandmates supposedly knew him better than he knew himself, but then, it was sort of comforting to know they had accepted him for who he was, before he had been able to even accept himself.

“Seriously, Jun”, Kenji said. He sounded genuinely cheerful and less stressed now that he could talk openly. “I’m happy for you. You deserve to be yourself.”

Jun smiled down on the table plate.

“Thank you, guys”, he said quietly. “Thanks for only being moderately weird about it.”

“It’s still cool to make gay jokes though, right?”, Yutaka asked.

Jun rolled his eyes.

“Don’t worry, I wasn’t expecting you to turn into a better person all of a sudden.”

“So, you won’t be bothered by us pretending to be gay on stage?”, Shou made sure and gestured among the four of them.

It made Jun smile, because it was very typical of Shou to worry about something like that. It was also like Yutaka to be rude about it, but at least he had tried. All of them were better than Jun had been willing to give them credit for.

“It won’t be any weirder than before”, Jun said and shrugged.

Shou made a troubled face. Even his cheeks wrinkled up when he did.

“And are you planning to … you know, make it public?” He was clearly uncomfortable now and obviously addressed it only, because he felt it was his duty as their bandleader.

Jun sucked on his lower lip. He had thought about it, but he hadn’t reached a conclusion yet.

“I’m not sure”, he admitted. “On the one hand, I feel like it would be great to function as a role model for fans who are struggling with their sexuality. But then, I’m not sure if it’s worth the hassle. And I’m not sure I’m ready for it yet.”

Just telling his bandmates had been scary already and he didn’t feel prepared to step out into the spotlight.

“Alright, take your time to think about it”, Shou said. “Just whatever you want to do, I promise it won’t affect your place in the band.”

Jun nodded and his eyes did get teary now.

“Thanks”, he said. Usually, the words seemed to spill from his lips even when he tried to hold them back, but today, he felt exhausted, as if the words already spoken had been so heavy, that they counted for a hundred words each.

There was a moment of silence and Jun wondered, if they were just going to order food now and eat as if nothing had happened, while to him, it felt as if he had just disarmed a potential bomb.

“On to the important things”, Yutaka said and slapped the table. “Now that you are gay, which one of us is the cutest?”

All Jun could do was roll his eyes again visibly. At least it kept him from outright crying.

“It’s not like I suddenly turned gay overnight”, he said. “Also, I don’t look at any of you that way. You’re like my brothers. You don’t need to worry about that.”

“Come on, don’t be a prude! Who of us is the most handsome?”, Yutaka kept nagging.

Jun wanted to be annoyed with him, but it was oddly comforting that Yutaka had to be his regular obnoxious self. It assured him that nothing had changed and that his bandmates would not treat him differently. They might just make fun of him for different reasons now. Though, his sexual orientation had always been pretty high up on the list anyway.

“Well, obviously Kenji is the most handsome member”, Jun said. “But anyone can see that. You don’t need to ask a gay man for that.”

“He’s got a point there”, Shou agreed and nudged Yutaka in the shoulder.

“Fair enough”, Yutaka said and nodded as if the matter had been settled with that.

“You guys, stop it”, Kenji said and laughed embarrassedly. Jun had always liked that about Kenji; that he was able to accept compliments without questioning them and yet never let them get to his head.

“Don’t take it the wrong way though”, Jun mumbled and looked down.

He was scared of blushing, although he hadn’t stated anything he hadn’t said before. Everyone knew that Kenji was handsome and of course, Jun enjoyed looking at him. But he was also very aware, that it was Kenji he was looking at each time. And Kenji was too gentle and too sweet and too easy to talk to and too caring and funny and kind to ever look at him objectifying. He would never fantasize about having sex with Kenji, because whoever got to have sex with Kenji would automatically want to hold his hand as well and play with his hair when he was sleepy and make soup for him when he was sick and be there for him always. He was too good to want anything less with him.

“Of course”, Kenji said and a quick glance told Jun that he was looking over at Shou and Yutaka somewhat helplessly. Jun hoped he hadn’t made him uncomfortable.

“And that was all you asked us here for today?”, Yutaka asked loudly. “No offense, but you could have posted that in the group chat, you know.”

Jun didn’t believe he meant it, but it was just like Yutaka to complain before they had even ordered.

“If that was all, I think I’m actually going home. I’m not hungry anyway.”

Jun raised his eyebrows at Yutaka. It was him who had suggested the place after all and not being hungry seemed pretty out of character as well.

“Right”, Shou said. “I also have this thing. Very important. Can’t miss it. I better go now as well. Absolutely can’t stay for lunch.”

“I bare my soul to you and you just leave right after?”, Jun made sure.

“I’ll stay”, Kenji said hastily and finally, Jun figured what was going on.

“Oh, alright”, he agreed and watched Yutaka and Shou get up. “See you at work then.”

“I guess, I should …” Kenji gestured to the seats opposite to them.

“Yeah”, Jun agreed. “Sure.”

Kenji got up and sat down at the other side of the table where Shou had sat before. He took up the menu and stared down on it, as if he had really just stayed to eat something.

Jun took the chance to study his face. Kenji’s dark hair was tied up in a bun and his features were very sharp and even. Up close you could see the small lines on his face, that were the only sign betraying his age at all. They didn’t make him look worn though, just added to his overall appeal.

Jun had always been attracted to handsome men, but Kenji had never fallen into that category for him. People like Jun Matsumoto were almost fairytale like creatures to him, that existed in an entirely different realm where they didn’t notice common people like himself. But Kenji had always been very real to him. He had wrinkles at the corner of his eyes and he had a smell - of aftershave in the morning and of face paint during shootings and of sweat right after their concerts. And he had a very loud laughter and he felt warm when Jun wrapped his arms around his waist from behind and his fingertips were usually calloused. And his presence never made Jun nervous but always calmed him down.

“Listen, Jun”, Kenji said and finally put down the menu. “I’m sorry about my reaction just now. I didn’t mean to be rude or to ruin the moment. You know I’m not very good with stressful situations.”

Jun thought that it was surprisingly considerate of Shou and Yutaka to leave just so Kenji could apologize.

“Why were you stressed, though?”, Jun asked, suddenly worried that his outing had made Kenji uncomfortable, because against all odds, he was bothered by Jun’s sexuality.

“I just wanted to get it right”, Kenji said. “I know this was hard for you, so I wanted to be as supportive as possible. And Shou and Yutaka told me over and over again to act surprised, so it would be your moment and your time to let us know, you know?”

Jun smirked and nodded. He was pretty sure that they hadn’t come up with that themselves. It sounded like advice Shou had most likely found on the internet.

“I really appreciate how much thought you guys put into it”, he said. “I do feel supported by you. It went over a lot better than I anticipated.”

He wouldn’t have admitted that in front of Shou and Yutaka, but with Kenji, it was easy to say it out loud. Jun had always felt the closest to him.

“Yutaka is probably mad at me, though”, Kenji said. “He really did make me practice.”

Jun chuckled. The idea of his bandmates rehearsing his coming out in a roleplay was pretty hilarious once he stopped to think about it.

“I thought it was a stupid idea to act surprised, though”, Kenji carried on. “It’s just, that I wouldn’t have been surprised regardless of who came out to me.”

Jun studied Kenji’s face closely. It was indeed hard to imagine him being scandalized by a coming out or judging another person based on their preference in a partner. Kenji wasn’t a very judgemental person.

“I never viewed sexuality as something so rigid”, Kenji explained. “You just happen to like someone, but it’s always because you get along well with them. And sometimes you get along well with women and sometimes with men, and maybe you only ever met women you liked and some day you meet one man and that’s okay too. I just always felt like there are more relevant criteria for liking someone than their gender.”

Slowly, Jun nodded. He couldn’t help wonder, if Kenji just viewed other people like that and it didn’t matter to him whom his friends dated, or if it was how he himself felt. He didn’t dare to ask though, if Kenji himself had ever happened to like another man before or if he was at least open to the possibility.

“That sounds nice”, Jun said and he really meant it. It was comforting to know that in Kenji’s eyes, you could always change and evolve without becoming invalid.

“How did you realize you’re …?” Kenji broke off. “I mean, what made you decide to tell us now? I don’t know how to put this.”

“Well, I didn’t wake up one morning and knew I was gay. It was more of a gradual process. And I just came to accept it now. I thought it would be good to tell you while there are no tour dates coming up and we could avoid each other in case things got ugly.”

“You should have known no one was going to judge you”, Kenji said softly.

“It’s hard to shake the fear anyway. Not so much of being insulted and kicked out of the band, but of you guys viewing me differently. Like, maybe you’ll feel uncomfortable getting naked in front of me from now on or something. I was scared of things changing. I still am.”

Once again, Jun realized how easy it was to confine in Kenji. He trusted him like no one else.

“I can assure you, there is absolutely nothing that could make me uncomfortable getting naked in front of anyone”, Kenji declared with such passion, that Jun couldn’t help snorting with laughter. He believed him though.

“Thanks, Kenji”, he said. He was still astonished by how life just went on and neither him nor his bandmates seemed to have changed.

“So, there is no one?”, Kenji asked and for the first time did he sound hesitant.

It took Jun a moment to understand the question.

“You mean, someone to cause my gay awakening? Some guy that swept me off my feet? No, nothing like that. It was more of an internal process. I’m not seeing anyone, in case you think that’s why I told you now. There have been crushes of course, that make a whole lot more sense in hindsight, now that I can see them for what they really were. And meetings with one guy, that looking back must have been dates without me being able to admit it. But nothing serious. I wasn’t ready for it yet.”

“And now?”, Kenji wanted to know.

Jun shrugged. The conversation was starting to make him queasy.

“Of course, I want to date. Or really just …” Jun wondered if it was okay to speak explicitly, but then, it was just Kenji. “Or just make out with a hot guy now that I can admit that’s what I want. But I’ve never been the most social person and I don’t see myself going out to gay bars to find someone to hook up with. For me, the most important thing is openly living as myself from now on. We’ll see what else happens.”

“You know, I’m widely considered to be a hot guy”, Kenji pointed out and laughed. Even when his laughter was so clearly embarrassed, it was still loud. “I know, you said we’re like brothers to you. But if you ever change your mind and want to gather some experience, then I’d be here for it.”

“That’s a very generous offer”, Jun said and tried to sound sarcastic in case Kenji was joking, but not too sarcastic in case he was just trying to be nice. “A little weird though. I don’t need a pity make-out session.”

“I didn’t mean it like that”, Kenji said gently. “But I told you, to me it only matters that you like a person. And I’ve always really liked you, Junjun. I just thought you should know.”

“Oh, okay”, Jun mumbled. He had no idea what that was supposed to mean. He wished Kenji would have been clearer. Was that meant as a confession? Or did it just mean that Kenji wasn’t physically appalled by him? The idea that Kenji might actually be in love with him seemed so absurd, that Jun assumed he just took being friendly to someone he cared about a little too far.

“So, if you ever want to spend the night, you can give me a call”, Kenji clarified and Jun thought that the offer sounded very casual indeed.

He cleared his throat.

“I don’t think that would work”, he said apologetic. “You’re just not the type of guy you call for the night.”

Kenji looked down on himself and for a moment, it seemed almost comical as if he was checking if he was suddenly caught in a less attractive body.

“It’s pretty much what people do, though”, Kenji said and briefly, Jun saw the insecurity in his eyes. He saw the genuine confusion what anyone could want with him otherwise, and the hurt that came from always being a fairytale creature to people and never real.

“You’re the type of guy you invite for dinner”, Jun clarified. “The type of guy you rent movies with and whom you make breakfast in the morning. The type of guy you take to meet your parents and whom you give keys to your apartment. You’re the type of guy where you do everything to get it right if you are lucky enough to have a chance.”

He hadn’t meant to say all that, to give away that much of how he felt. But the thought of anyone treating Kenji any different made him furious.

Kenji didn’t look taken aback though. His sharp features looked very soft all of a sudden and his eyes shone wetly. Kenji’s emotional face was as open and honest as his happy expression.

He put his hand onto the table between them with his palm up. Jun studied his hand for a moment, before he carefully reached out to put his own into it. Just a few months ago, he wouldn’t have dared to do something like that in a public space. But he had come here today to finally be open about who he was and what he wanted. And it felt freeing, but it was more than that. He had never dared to believe that if he just accepted himself, he could one day be this happy.

“Alright”, Kenji said softly. “How about we start with dinner then?”

His fingertips still felt slightly calloused, and very real.

#Golden Bomber #utahiroba jun #Darvish Kenji #darupa #fanfiction #fanfic

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