Even if you find your person, that doesn't mean life won't come with trials and tribulations. Happily Ever After doesn't mean nothing bad ever happens to you... You will experience pain, grief, and sorrow. It's part of being here on Earth, even if it seems unfair, cruel, and wrong. But if you live your life in fear of the next blast, you'll never live at all. Ray and Lila faced the flames together, as their promise to be together no matter what remained steadfast, and they no longer fear being alive. Life is worth living, and they're grateful to be here. Together.
Summary: It's hard to rebuild your life from scratch when you thought you could never look ahead with any hope in your heart again. Natasha could never fully grasp all the hardships that Ray had to fight through in the two years they have spent apart, unknowing of each other's lives. But she was determined to never stray from his path again.
Notes: For day 5 of Mystictober: Rain! ~ 2.7k words. Hurt/comfort. Depiction of a PTSD episode.
Credit: dividers by @/saradika-graphics, picrew used for header - here!
It rained a lot this Fall. Summer didn't linger for too long, taking its warmth and clear skies with it almost as soon as its last days on a calendar have come to their end. Natasha didn't mind the cooler weather or the gray clouds above. Truth be told, she didn't pay much attention to the seasons before she met Ray. Ray, who could discover beauty even in the most ordinary of days. She didn't realize she was taking something as simple as a walk to work for granted until she found herself stuck in a windowless room staring at computer screens day in and day out.
It was only seven months for her. But for Ray, it was all he's ever known. She was so saddened by that thought. It used to choke her up at night when the regrets of what could have been were at their strongest. She was glad that these regrets were over now that she had been given a second chance, in spite of all the odds. A chance to make good on her promises and not close her heart up ever again.
However, she was aware that Ray had it harder. While her and Saeyoung have battled with their grief for those two years, he had a completely different battle he had to face alone. Naturally, Jihyun and Saeran were there to support him - just like she had Saeyoung - but there were certain things that Ray had to handle on his own in order to achieve his peace.
She knew Ray didn't like rain or thunderstorms. It rained on that life-changing day. She remembered it well. Her eyes repeatedly re-reading over the words on the screen, as if they would change shape if only she wished hard enough, while her ears gradually filled with the static of white noise and the numbing sound of raindrops hitting the window of the hospital room.
She lost him on that day. Unexpectedly, tragically.
It was also raining on the day Rika got kidnapped. Saeyoung's cries of hate and despair alike completely drawing out the storm raging outside the cabin, as if he was a wrathful deity unleashing all of his sorrow and fury onto the earth bellow for everything it took from him. It was scary to see. No, it was even more than scary; it was heart-wrenching. She remembered wishing there was someone who could share in her grief. But on that day, she simply wanted to bear the entire burden of it herself, if only no one else had to suffer the way she saw Saeyoung suffer.
She wondered if it was raining wherever Ray was on those days, too. If he felt some of their grief and shared it with them. She wouldn't be surprised, if so. Even if the thought of that was painful.
Nowadays, with all four of them learning to live together little by little, things weren't tinged with that familiar melancholy of grief that became her normal. However, the scars of the past manifested themselves in awkward silences and nasty words. She knew things wouldn't be easy, even with their miracle of Ray and Saeran returning back into their lives. She did, however, occasionally still find herself wishing she could go back in time. If only to take away the sadness now permanently tinged in Ray's eyes.
She assumed that was why she was so tense today, her fingers tapping nervously over the rim of her teacup. Her pretty much being all by herself with Saeyoung out on some business with Vanderwood also didn't help. The rain outside the windows was pouring down heavily, the weight of the water droplets banging on the roof like a constant reminder of her ever-growing sense of unease. It was not surprising to not see Ray out and about today because he disliked the rain. He'd usually lock himself away in his room and wait it out in his headphones, and her and Saeyoung would leave him to it instead of trying to pull him out outside when he wasn't feeling like it.
But it's been hours and he still hasn't come out even for as little as a glass of water. That wasn't like him. One part of her felt obligated to check on him, and another didn't want to bother him. Still, she sat by and didn't do anything once in the past. She deeply regretted it. Reckless or not, she'd just drive herself stir-crazy sitting this one out.
Si, she rose from the table and promptly hurried up to Ray and Saeran's room with a determined huff. It was the farthest one away, with large windows giving the full view of their backyard. Saeyoung ensured that he could sit there and look up at the sky whenever he wished. But it probably wasn't so pleasant for him right now. After a minute or two of hesitation by the door, she eventually knocked softly to see if it would work.
"...Ray? It's Natasha. I just... wanted to check if you're okay or not. I could bring you some warm tea, if you want?"
No answer.
Natasha frowned. That's unusual. He might be reserved sometimes, but never to the extent of completely disregarding her. She would have thought he was asleep if it wasn't for the rainstorm outside. None of this helped calm her nerves. Barging in on his personal space probably wasn't the nicest thing to do, but if not her, then Saeyoung would do so later.
"I'm... gonna come in unless you tell me no. Is that okay with you?"
No answer.
But that's an answer in and of itself. With a turn of the door handle, she entered the room, squinting slightly since it was darker than she was used to. That in itself wasn't surprising, he'd always cover the windows when it rained, and she knew that darkness helped with his migraines that would come and go every other day. The fact that he wasn't present, however, was surprising. Instead, she could see his bathroom door left slightly open, the only source of light spilling onto the floor from it.
"Ray?" She called out, the worry seeping into her voice despite her attempts to remain composed for his sake, in case he might need some help. She paddled over to the bathroom, paused at the threshold, and decided to softly knock on that door as well. She could hear the sound of running water from the sink, but no other noises whatsoever. Which was concerning as well as just plain odd. She still felt somewhat guilty for just barging in without his say-so, even if she wouldn't turn back, so she tried one last time for good measure: "Is it okay if I come in?"
Still no answer.
She took a deep breath and fully opened the door, eventually entering the small bathroom. Though, she stopped as soon as she did, startled by what she was seeing. Fortunately, Ray was present and appeared to be unharmed, at least physically. But the same certainly couldn't be said for his emotional state, even from a single glance at him. He sat hunched over on the toiled seat, his hands digging into its edges with such force that she could see them shaking slightly.
But what pained her the most was the look on his face. He wasn't in tears. Nor was he screaming or gasping for air. Instead, he resembled a living doll, his eyes so glazed over that they appeared glassy as he stared ahead without moving an inch. It's like he wasn't even here fully. He saw her and heard her, but it's obvious that he didn't really notice she was there at all. Or even the room itself for that matter.
Her heart tightened in her chest. Did he try to handle it by himself? It was a painful thought. But it wasn't important right now. As she took careful steps towards him, she could hear how weak his breathing was, as if his lungs were not getting nearly enough fresh air to get him through it. She kneeled in front of him, not wanting to look down at him like this.
"Ray... Ray, can you hear me? It's me... Natasha. I'm here," she said softly, less out of an attempt to start an actual conversation, and more as a means to just let him hear her voice here with him. To gradually hopefully get him out of this. He may have been quiet, but she could see the anguish going on behind those dull eyes of his. She cautiously leaned over and placed her hands on top of his, her thumbs skimming across his knuckles. They were cold, covered in a thin sheen of sweat. Hers, however, were warm.
Slowly, little by little, she managed to get him to let go of the toiled seat, letting her take hold of his hands completely as she brought them to her, still rubbing small circles over his wrists as she did.
"That's it... That's good, that must feel a little bit better, doesn't? I'm right here, do you feel me? Right here in front of you? Can you look at me?" He didn't say anything, but she felt a bittersweet rush of pride in her chest as he shakily switched his attention to her. It's such a small action, but it probably took him a mountain of effort. She exhaled a little in relief, though, because it was a great indication of him doing better than she thought. "Good... That's good, focus on me ok? Focus on the sound of my voice. How about I tell you about that book I finished reading today? I wanted to share it with you for a while now. It's about a princesd that..."
So, she talked. She talked about everything and nothing in particular. What's important is that she didn't stop. As Ray gradually emerged from the mental prison of his own memories, her presence remained unwavering. He didn't have to understand or answer in any way. He simply needed something to draw him out of it. To give him a safety rope to cling on to.
At last, she felt his fingers quiver in her palms, then start to shake, then grab hold of her with what was likely too much force, but she ignored it. She wouldn't let go even if he was to claw at her like a scared wild animal.
"Nat... Natasha...?"
She heaved a small sigh of relief when she met his worn, misty stare. It was far from a joyful sight for sure, but she was just happy to have him back. She gave a nod. "Yes, Ray, it's me. I'm here. We're here. At home."
Our home. Even if the concept was still alien to her, it served as a reminder of his safety.
Keeping one of his hands steady in her grasp, she let go of the other one to reach up and gently stroke some bangs away from his eyes, not minding the cold sweat that was sticking to his forehead. "...Do you want the water faucet to stay on?"
He nodded. She didn't need anything more than that. They sat there for a long while, her silently crouching in front of him as he looked down at her from the toilet seat. She could see that he was trying to mirror her breathing, and so she focused on taking calm, even breaths to help him fill his lungs again. She could see he was fatigued, and who could blame him? Who knows how long he's been frozen up like this, unable to even take a proper breath because of the tendrils of his past slowly crushing him from the inside out.
The thought pained her. Finally, she spoke up, her voice soft and quiet: "Ray... How long have you been like this?"
He looked down, almost ashamed. It pained her further. Squeezing his fingers, she raised his hand to her lips and planted a gentle kiss there, staying for a few seconds. She decided to interject before he could apologize or start beating himself up: "-I think you were very brave to handle it on your own. I'm proud of you. You were very strong."
Maybe she was being a little too coddling, but she couldn't help herself. She heard Ray exhale, his fingers still shaky in her grasp. But then again, he would likely be unsteady and weak like this for some time.
"You're... very sweet, Natasha... But I'm- anything but strong. If just a little bit of rain is enough to make me fall apart... what does it say about me?"
Her heart ached for him. There was truth in his words. She'd be a fool to just discard them as lies. Ray was much more self-aware than most people realized. But it pained her to know how much he was struggling regardless. She gazed up at him again.
"I... can't say that it's pretty or heroic, no... But you... Came into the bathroom to get away from the noise, right?" He nodded yes, his gaze averted. She went on: "And did you turn on the faucet to draw out the noise?"
Another nod. She cupped his cheek tenderly, running her thumb across the rough surface of his healed scar. He didn't look at her, but he didn't scurry away from her touch, either. When he was so tired and unsteady, that was all the permission she needed.
"So you did all you could to get yourself through this. You should be proud of that, Ray."
He huffed, a somewhat sardonic sound. However, it was definitely not meant at her, as evidenced by him leaning into her palm and reaching up to hold it against his skin.
"Yes... and I still failed."
She couldn't say much to that. That being said, she could at least divert his attention.
"Well... then it's good I decided to check on you."
He exhaled a choked little laugh at that, finally meeting her eyes again. He was far from cheerful, even miserable, really, but it was a joy just to have him fully present rather than somewhere terrible and terrifying in the limits of his own memories. After a moment of silence, he spoke again: "It... It was raining. When I woke up."
He didn't need to elaborate on all the gory aspects that now made the rain so challenging for him. She didn't need to hear them, either. She only knew that the rain would drag him back under the rubble, bringing with it all of the agony, terror, and confusion. She couldn't even imagine what that must feel like. To relive your worst moment at any time, with no way out, no matter how hard you try.
With a soft sigh, she leaned up, gently resting her forehead up against his. To let him know she's there. Fully, flesh and bone, not just a ghost. In a way, she too needed this reminder.
"Good thing it's not raining here, then," she whispered, giving him a smile that was both half-hearted and genuinely tender alike. Things weren't going well. And she couldn't tell him otherwise. Sometimes it was difficult, uncomfortable, messy, and even humiliating. But at least he wasn't alone in all this anymore, and neither was she, nor Saeyoung, or even Saeran. They were all marked by different scars from a past that was too harsh to return to. At least they didn't have to carry them alone anymore.
Ray exhaled, a few quiet tears sliding from his lashes onto his cheeks.
"...Yes."
He didn't return her smile, but he didn't need to. When he wasn't feeling well, she didn't need him pretend otherwise for her. She just needed him to let her be there for him when the world got too heavy to make sense of.
