You've made your bed, now you've gotta lie in it
That's what I'm saying to myself as I go to bed after being awake nearly 40 hours. My bes is currently 2 couch cushions with a sheet, lying on the bedroom floor surrounded by the shit usually stored under my bed. My bed, the one I purchased with the love of my life however many years ago, is currently sitting in a trailer at my dads house, waiting for me to drive it to my new apartment and unload it there. Until then, this meager substitute will suffice. I've never been this stressed or this anxious. There are so many layers of filth and destruction in my head right now it feels like I need to drill a hole in my skull just to vent the pressure. She picked this place originally, it was the first time I felt truly in control of my own life, the first time I saw a path to that life worth living I'm always talking about. Then I fucked it all up, and I've spent every day since wishing I'd died of cancer, a fine exit it could have been.
I hate myself more than anyone ever could, and I love those who support me when they can more than that. Love to them, spite to others, either way I'm about to pass out and I cant afford to sleep in. I have to live past 32, prove that I can do this longer than she did. Hopefully this helps, or this headache really turns out to be an aneurism and I die, but also I just built a mono black Standaed MTG deck I wanna try out first though. Of course, maybe Halloween might....maybe....be....fun? This year? I doubt it, but I cant see the future. All I see is darkness, so when I jump into new stuff it's like who cares, I never know what I'm jumping into, I've put everything on t his one number.
I hope it's the right one