#vaniplani posts

[vanillaplanifolia]

“You’re so fucking cute, oh god, you don’t deserve this at all… I really should stop” increasingly guilt-ridden while showing no intent to stop whatsoever no matter how desperately you beg for it to end

[vanillaplanifolia]

Sadistic captor who’s done hurting you in all the ways except for sexually and has convinced herself sex will make you feel better. So the careful, tedious wound care and comforting turns into rape. This is what you expected to happen, but then it didn’t. And now it is happening, but she insists it’s not like that at all.

“This is fine, I’m not hurting you anymore. You’ll feel better very soon, just feel good. Shh, I won’t hurt you. I got it all out, relax. The pain will go away. Just remember this, okay? This is good, right?”

But of course you don’t want to remember. She’s being so gentle as if this is just a natural continuation to patching you up and cautiously petting your beaten body to console you. And it’s worse like this. But she insists it’s nothing that compares to the abuse just before.

“Nonono, you’re okay, no more pain. This isn’t bad, this is better. It’s just sex, I’ll make you feel good. I can’t hurt you more, not too much. I’ll make it better. Maybe if I move you into a better position? I don’t want to hurt you more, I’m not hurting you.”

But of course it hurts, you’re covered in marks and blooming bruises all over. Too scared and tight to relax but too weak to resist. She can’t help getting captivated by your whimpers when she brushes on your skin where it’s raw and stings. Fucking you harder like she’s trying to distract herself, desperate to deny herself the pleasure of your pain. That’s not what this is about, the violence is over. Like she’s really trying to just make it go away and needs this to make it better. But of course it won’t.

[vanillaplanifolia]

I want to give up trying to push her off and just grab onto her instead because it’s too much and I’m scared so I just have to hold onto something and then cry “please stop, I love you” into the crook of her neck while she whispers to me through her moans that she loves me like this

[vanillaplanifolia]

Making you kiss their palm before they hit you hard

[vanillaplanifolia]

“It’s not your fault this is happening to you”

“You didn’t do anything to deserve this”

“You did everything right and it still didn’t keep me from doing what I’m doing to you”

[vanillaplanifolia]

I need to be captured together with you. I want my tears mixing with your wetness while my face is being forcibly shoved into your unwilling pussy and your futile efforts to struggle against me just get me covered in you anyway. I want a hand in my hair grabbing me harder if I hesitate to do to you what’s being asked of me, while another hand travels between my own thighs. I want to search your scared eyes with my apologetic gaze when I lose myself in my own moans and your taste. I want our abuser drawing it out until my jaw hurts and you’re all overwhelmed under me.

And when they’re done with us for now and we’re left alone together, I want to do my best taking care of you, profusely apologizing and pleading you to let me make it up to you, to hold you and make you feel better. I’m all you have right now and though your trust in me is shattered by how you just saw me, unable to control myself while I was being used to violate you, you need to cuddle up to me for any sense of safety and hope. And I need it to break something in me, so the next time they’re back, I hate myself for starting to resist them a little less, giving in a little more to the permission to take advantage of your helplessness, in a way you can notice. The less certain you get about if I enjoy it or not, the more you depend on trusting me to want us to get out of this.

[vanillaplanifolia]

Your captor making you record a video statement of how you actually consented to all of it and that you’re alright and enjoying yourself, promising you they’ll stop hurting you if you comply and do it right. You don’t really trust them, but you think there’s a chance they’re going to send it to your loved ones. So you put on the performance of your life in hopes of at least letting them know you’re still alive and there’s hope. As calm and serious as you can, as many retakes as you need to do, until your captor is content. But instead of sending the video to anyone at all, they play it to you on repeat every time they rape you. Every time you’re abused you hear yourself saying you’re exactly where you want to be. And you keep telling yourself you don’t really believe what you’re hearing your own voice tell you, but it doesn’t take too long until you realize you nonetheless know the words by heart

[vanillaplanifolia]

If you don’t want my fingers in there, then why is your mouth so fucking wet?