@variabeautied : “ mm, adorable, but needs a few accessories to amp it up a notch. do you have any?? don’t answer that, i’m taking you shopping after we hit the clinic anyways, we’ll get bunches there. ” kanon catches the look on xion’s face as she completes her twirl. “ you’ve gotta get a flu shot sweetheart. i’m doing it too. ” she taps her lips one — twice. “ do you do caffeine?? we could get coffee before. ” / vaccinate xion real
Xion’s still getting the hang of fashion, and what she wears now is mostly just her mimicking the girls around her. It’s NEW, and Kanon is so pretty and kind — and — it’s not the same, exactly, how Xion wants to look, but ——— Kanon is so pretty, and ( this is silly, she knows it’s silly, olette laughed when xion said something like this a few weeks ago and she said sorry afterwards but — ) so obviously a woman, and at least for now ( new, new, everyone uses her name here and no one calls her it but it’s still — ) she’s so desperate to be SO OBVIOUSLY A GIRL. A person. A girl person.
So she’s happy to shop with her, and be with her, a mimic her occasionally in ways that always make Kanon laughs something fond and easily. She’s happy at the chance to go shopping, to get more clothes that Kanon likes, that Xion likes, too. But mention of a CLINIC startles her, and mention of a SHOT turns that surprise nearly to panic. SHE’S A GIRL SHE’S A PERSON SHE’S REAL, she tells herself nearly daily, but her body is different and her body is strange and she wakes up dreaming others’ dreams and she’s — SHE’S A PERSON SHE HAS TO BELIEVE SHE IS BUT SHE’S NOT. She’s a weapon, or something that grew around one, and if another doctor looks at her then they’d — they’d know and what if they ———
( even, voice gentle : some people may try to use you again, xion. you need to be careful. )
Her hands shoot to her chest and she doesn’t even hear Kanon offer coffee / doesn’t even process anything except her sudden panic and how oppressive the constant NOT - A - PERSON feeling has suddenly become. She can’t breathe right, eyes wide and flat. “I — I can’t,” she says, and she blinks and Kanon is closer, eyes worried and hands reaching for her shoulders, and Xion steps / jerks back, away, don’t touch me you’ll notice the wires. “I — it’s okay, I see a doctor, I’m okay ———”
“Are you okay, sweetie?” Kanon’s voice is kind and she doesn’t try to reach for her again.
“I’m okay!” Xion gasps, voice faint and frantic and too - fast, has to be okay or she’s bad or SHE’LL BE KILLED. She feels dizzy and afraid. Even — Even taught her —— her hands wrap around her body, hands pressing to her shoulders, and she taps — left shoulder, right, left, right. One and then the other. Breathes as slowly as she can. ( she thinks of the chest she made, that even had her imagine, that even had her imagine putting all the scary memories inside it. ) Breathe. It doesn’t help, but it doesn’t make it worse, and that’s something. “I — I can’t. I can’t. I’m sorry ——”
She thinks Kanon says she has nothing to be sorry for, but it’s hard to hear past the roaring in her ears. Her eyes squeeze shut. Left, right. Left, right. It doesn’t get worse. She has to make sure Kanon knows she’s still being good, hasn’t done anything wrong, doesn’t deserve to have her heart ripped out ( she dreams of people tearing open the old scar ). “I — I see a doctor, promise. I promise. He knows I’m ———” A MACHINE A WEAPON ANYTHING OTHER THAN A HUMAN BEING, “— he kn - knows me. So I — I’m okay. I can’t — I can’t but that’s okay.”
Past the haze of her panic, she has the silly, childish thought : she won’t want to take me shopping now. not after this. It’s a safer thought than : SHE’S GOING TO WANT TO HURT ME NOW.
Xion’s eyes open and raise, and Kanon doesn’t look like she wants to hurt her. Xion sucks in a breath. Kanon doesn’t look like she wants to hurt her, and she doesn’t look angry, and the relief of that is so sharp she inhales and exhales and it’s ragged and tears drip down her cheeks when she blinks.
