The phone ringing next to him on the nightstand wakes him up at. With a groan and sigh, Ben sits up, trying to muffle the noise of his phone by pressing his hand against the microphone - Sophie deserves a full night’s rest and he’d hate it if Chris woke up because of him.
He quickly makes his way to the living room before he picks up.
‘’Benedict speaking.’’
‘’Been complaining about me again, I see.’’
Martin. Ben’s stomach drops as his heart start hammering against his chest. God, he knew he should not have said those things. He knew he should not even have mentioned Martin, but the bitterness of being half a world away was getting to him. It’s like everything and everyone is trying to keep them apart, throwing them project after project, both abroad and at home. Amanda keeps him updated, sure, but it’s not the same. It just isn’t the same.
‘’Martin...’’
‘’Goodmorning, sweetheart. Now, what’s this I hear about me not calling you?’’ He is teasing, but there is something else in his voice, something hesitant and careful and Ben decides he doesn’t like it.
‘’Had to give them something good, with Steven and Mark keeping their jaws shut and all.’’
Martin giggles on the other end of the line and Ben feels the tightness of his chest dissolve a bit. Martin is calling him. Martin read what he said and called him! ‘’Have you and your mum set this up then?’’
Wait. ‘’My mum?’’
‘’You haven’t read the things she said? I swear to God, Ben, I adore that woman, but it was a bit obvious. ‘’They adore each other so much’’’’ Martin’s dissolves back into giggles after trying to impersonate his mother’s voice and Ben groans.
He’s going to kill his mother.
‘’So,’’ Martin asks, once he calmed down again, ‘’how was it?’’
‘’Good... It was good. Hectic, but good. Alistair might have given something away about John and Sholto, but Mark and Steven managed to keep their cool. Also -’’
‘’Ben... how was it?’’
Ben sucks in a breath and for a moment he just listens to Martin’s breathing on the other side. They shouldn’t do this. They said they wouldn’t, not anymore, but it has been months and it still feels like someone ripped a part of his heart out of his chest. A horrible analogy, he knows it and he knows Martin would laugh if he told him, but it is no less true. Sophie and Chris are great, his life is great, the work is great, the fans are great, but...
‘’I miss you.’’
Ben hears Martin’s shaky exhale before the mirthless laugh. ‘’I call Amanda every single night, did you know that? Right before she goes to bed. And every single night, I keep twiddling with my fucking phone because I want to call you. And I know what we fucking said, but... Jesus Ben...’’
‘’I know.’’ And he does. He does know. They shouldn’t, even though nothing ever truly happened between them - not like that - they really shouldn’t do this. It’s too risky, too tempting. And yet, they’ve been circling around each other for years, unable to stay away. They stay quiet for a while, just listening to each other, soaking in whatever they can. That is before Martin breaks the silence.
‘’Why is it so quiet on your end? Where are you?’’
Moment gone. Ben closes his eyes for a moment, trying not to let the disappointment get the better of him. They can’t stay here; he has to sleep and Martin probably has to work. They need to keep moving. Standing still is just too much of a reminder of what they’ve been doing to each other for years. ‘’It’s 2:48 in the morning, Martin. Sophie and Chris are asleep.’’
‘’Oh shit. I - oh Ben, I’m so fucking sorry. Why didn’t you say I woke you up?’’
‘’I don’t mind.’’
The words hang between them for a moment and Ben grins when he hears Martin’s chuckle. ‘’Prick. I’ll... I’ll email you later, okay? For real, this time. Just go back to sleep, love.’’
Ben’s stomach flips at the word, but he doesn’t acknowledge it. They never do. ‘’Will do. And thank you, Martin... for the call. I appreciate it.’’
I love you.
‘’Thank you for picking up, you git. Sleep well.’
I love you too.