Words I never said...this is me
You don't really know me but I'm Vattana and one thing about myself is I don't like to be completely figured out. You can know as much as you want about me but there's a part of me that is just "random", that section of my thoughts can be really good or really bad. That is where I hold things that are either to harsh for the world to know or too great for me to do all the time. In there is pure consideration & generosity, and the most hateful and most manipulative thoughts. I have full control over these random thoughts, only when I am deeply inspired or extremely disgusted will these random thoughts start appearing in my mind as an option.
Another thing would be how my mind works. I don't have walls, by walls I mean by the things people put up after getting hurt. I picture my mind as a lightning vortex. It's constantly thinking of stuff no matter what condition I'm in and scenarios are constantly being played of the situation at hand. This is 2nd nature and isn't difficult for me to do at all. My emotions are 2nd to my mentality. Sometimes my emotions do sneak up on me but nonetheless, I never forget my thoughts.
An ability I have is to be able to put my emotions into something but they won't get attached to whatever it is i'm putting it into. Being straight forward and doing what feels right, I do go with my emotions while using my head but if I get hurt, it won't be difficult to recover. I usually don't linger when it comes to emotion, I either progress or regress. But if I do linger, If I'm "stuck", I need support, I need randomness, I need conversation, I need music, and then I finally need to choose.
One thing I also learned within the past few years is my personality towards someone I like. I don't like to play games, I can but I don't think anyone deserves that. I don't want to have to play a game with someone who likes me. Being straight forward, as honest as I can be and caring is who I am. But when I think about it...it comes off in the wrong way sometimes. It makes me "look" clingy, "seem" clingy. Please that's not the case, I just think that if I care about you, you deserve the truth, my attention and everything else. I'm not trying to give you a little taste so you can come back running for more, I'm not trying to ignore you so you can blow me up. I'm just trying to give you the best of me when I can because why give any less? Why waste any seconds?
I always think to myself, what if I died like right now, would I regret it? Sometimes...because I don't show the love I want to to people while I'm still here. Or what if they died...closure would be much harder to find. So as long as I know that I'm being exactly the way I want with someone, in my mind I'm proud. I guess it could come off as too much, too nice, flirty or clingy or w/e the fuck but that's not the case. I just believe everyone deserves the best...we all have different stories and reasons, but it doesn't change the fact that you're human just like me, if we're friends, you won't regret it.