Have any of you ever been in an abusive relationship? Any kind of abuse. Verbal, physical, mental.
In your experience, what would you say it did to you?
What kind of pain does it make you go through every fucking day you wake up?
I've been in the same relationship now for going on 3 years as of this past Oct. 31st. And he... he can get very mean. I mean, extremely, mean.. Some of the things he says.. some of the ways he acts..
It makes me want to hurt myself in more ways than one. The thought of suicide crosses my mind almost every day. Not EVERY day, but a good 95% of the time.
Now, you are probably wondering. Why? Why is this happening?
Because I'm a shitty person.
I've had a very VERY horrible past. I've done a lot of things in my life that I can't get away from, even when I move cross country; I still can't get away from it. Because of him. He reminds me every day of these things I've done. And because of that, it automatically turns him against me almost every time he gets upset.
He reminds me everyday, that I will always be a horrible piece of shit. And I will never not be anything other than that.
What did I do that was so horrible?
I cheated. Because my ex ended up being a a shitstain and cheated on me in my own bed. So. What was my thought as a 16- year old girl? I was going to pay him back.
I suffer through so much anxiety and depression every day. All because I cheated. Once. Almost 4 years ago.
To this day. I regret it. It makes me fucking sick with myself every day.
But it happened. And yknow, I want to get over it. It's in the past. But no. I can't move on just yet. Because my supposed SO, won't let me forget.
I'm sitting in our upstairs bathroom, struggling to keep it together. I can't stop crying. I keep eyeing the razor sitting on the sink. I don't want to do anything, I really don't. And I'm not going to. Because that's what my depression wants me to do.
But you know what? I'm stronger than this.
I'm not going to let one mistake ruin my life. I refuse. I am a mother, and I am a proud student who has places to go in life.
If you got this far, thank you. Thank you for listening to me vent. I am struggling very hard to go downstairs and face him, but, I will. Because I am an adult. And I will not be crushed like a fucking ant, no more.