#vent? vent.

[thermalmode]

with everything happening in the world and the US shit feels incredibly bleak im ngl. i’m obliviously going to keep going but jesus christ dude

[ccmatta]

i hate it so much when i see people rebloging AI fanart, dude... and this time is so obviously AI... it makes me sad, man... it took me 30s to find the ~mistakes~... ugh. Fanart is to be fun, why the hell are you using AI for that, no one cares, man, just pick up a pencil, do stick figured Mello and everyone will eat that shit here. We love that. We support that. What's the purpuse yk?

[vile-rebuke]

shrug

[ccmatta]

Things are not doing so well lately... I want to make more m2 fanarts, I wanna draw my chubby L too ;( I wanna edit/rework my longfic as well... if you're reading Loyal Dog, just know I have the chapter written, I'm just not satisfied with it rn. I tried to work on that but life happened and now it's been 2 months since I last updated the fic :( I can't focus on anything for an extended period of time, everything is a mess. So... yeah. Maybe this is just some kind of update if anyone that follows me reads my stuff or likes do see my art. I know there's not a lot of ppl, but I'm sure there must be a couple. One. Idk. Lmao

[midnights-wish]

ramble.

i just watched a video about women who are essentially proud of beins sidechicks; it was about some sorta 'weekend' trend (the video itself is from 2 months ago, so i'm a little late to finding out about this trend, has something to do with some song someone wrote about being a sidechick & now those women are kinda proudly labelling themselves as such). & i've been thinking about something related to this for about a year now every now and again which i will come to in a moment, but i guess that video just makes me want to ramble a little about this topic. it is a situation i fear to some extend, after all.

either way, for one i don't understand why someone would cheat, ofc. i mean, i know of the reasons typically given, but i think it's immature to do that rather than talk to your partner about the things that bother you or to leave the relationship before meeting someone new. i also don't understand why you would want to be a sidechick (this isn't about women who don't know they're sidechicks, same it isn't about men who're side..guys? is that what men in that situation are referred to?- it is about people who know that the person they are the sidepiece of is in a relationship & continue even so). i mean there were reasons named in the video but i still don't get it- sounded to me more like they didn't respect themselves or the wife the man is actually supposed to be with to me. i do try to understand all those reasons too, ofc. i'm not meaning to be harsh on cheaters; we're all just victims to our experiences, after all, & everyone makes mistakes. but i feel cheating, or participating in such an affair, is one of those mistakes that are done purposefully. you don't go & accidentally cheat on your spouse every day after all. so i do view this as a serious mistake, while still trying to acknowledge that we all are just humans.

i just kinda don't know. i mean, ofc i am aware cheating happens, & that it happens more than anyone would like it to be real, but i just kinda always thought it wouldn't be a logical thing to happen to me. which it hasn't, ofc, not that there has ever been an opportunity for someone to cheat on me since i've never done more than date occasionally anyway (which sometimes makes me wonder if there's something wrong with me, but that's a whole different can of worms that i hope will resolve by itself), but i don't like to find out that the chance that something like that happens is higher than i would have thought up until a year ago; my former store manager ended up quitting last year because people found out he had an affair with one of our colleagues (he didn't have to quit, but i think he was embarrassed. & i remember being totally flabberghasted by it 'cause not only did he have an incredibly kind & patient personality & was a bit of a teddy overall, he also had a wife who he would speak of often, & always give her the highest praises & say that he couldn't have married any better. & since then i just keep thinking how scary of a situation it is to be in to have a guy who apparently is head over heels for you, to feel wanted, only to find out he cheated on you & that it was all untrue (ofc this can be the other way too, i'm just viewing it through that lense here since that is the situation i witnessed & since that is also the lense the video i watched viewed it from). i mean, generally i think i'm a pretty secure person, & i generally trust people around myself to not hurt me, or others around them for that matter. but since i found this out about my ex-store manager my mind likes to cycle back to this; i can be quite naive, so i think having a situation liket that happen so close to me for once kinda affected my general worldview of 'most people are good', when even someone i perceived as 'good' until then does something like that. i think that's also proven by the fact that i've kept thinking about this every now & again since almost a year now & still don't know what to think about it or whether i have to change how i view things & relationships because of it. i think it's fair to say that it is a small worry now- one that i do realize is irrational though, so i'm more annoyed at myself than anything whenever it pops up. i dunno. still don't know how to think of all this. the video i watched earlier wasn't of help either, & that's why i'm writing all this i guess. if anything it just opened this topic for me again, just also from the lense of 'why is it treated like it is something that can be normal now, why do they act like it is something to be proud of?'.

i wonder how my former store manager felt during the affair. he really seemed kind, so i do hope he felt bad whenever he got home from seeing the collegue. i don't think my collegue felt bad- i forgot to mention, she is married too & has children as well, but i don't really feel like discussing it from her side 'cause she wasn't that nice of a person. i wasn't that surprised about finding out she was a cheater & had said affair, but given my store managers personality & the way he talked about his wife i was very shocked to find out he did such a thing. so i do wonder what went on in his head in that time; if he meant what he said about his wife, if he was 'man enough' to come clean to her too & not to just hide it from her the way he hid when things came out by quitting. i do wonder if his wife knows, or is she's still in the shadows, if they are even still married. i hope for her that they aren't; i know that if she found out it must have hurt immensely, but she does deserve someone who is actually true to her. i hope she got a new beginning where finding someone like that is possible for her. from what he told about her, she does seem like a very nice woman. i don't like thinking about this topic anymore than this, so i'll leave it here, though i still have quite a few thoughts about it. i'm gonna go make myself a hot chocolate now.

[ccmatta]

oh we relapsed today, team. what a whole day of gender dysphoria dont do to a person, huh? someone bang my head in the wall until i'm cis again, thx

[ccmatta]

the gaslighting goes hard in this house.