#vent(s)

[inkweedandacid]

i kinda hate how the trans community on tumblr has recenttly become something that doesnt bring me comfort or community anymore solely because i am masc leaning, i mean.

I'll never be able to transition before i die, i am trapped in this place by my disability and i cant afford anything else so misgendering, having to live as the woman in this body and the endless deadnaming is just. Part of my life forever, i have to keep living in this closet unless i wanna be homeless, without support or family and financially ruined.

But now like. I go to look at the blogs i used to seek comfort and hope and solidarity in, my supposed trans sisters and holy crap, its just hatred towards trans guys? Why!

Like what the fuck happened, i never really participated that the transphobia would be coming from within this community, it hurts a lot worse being told that kinda shit from them then just. A transphobe or a terf. I dont have any cis male privilege just because i dream of getting top surgery? Like what is even happening!

Why are my so-called siblings saying that i can't use certain words or that my experiences aren't actually as bad as anything trans women go through or that it's actually okay for me to be misgendered because it's not as bad or that being in the closet is actually a privilege or that i should kill myself for not being 'the right kind of trans'? It's so upsetting. And the new slurs! Why the fuck are you inventing new slurs for trans guys!

I hope it's just a psyop from 4chan or something because i really fucking hate all this new bullshit of "tme/tma", it doesn't make sense to devide us like that when the hatred outside is getting so much worse.

The whole thing feels like the oldschool tumblr hate campaigns weve been through non-binary hate, the bisexual hate and the asexual hate and they all fucking sucked too! I hope it stops soon enough, i don't want to doubt my online siblings, wondering if they hate me just the same as cis transphobes. Trying to get a hysterectomy and stay alive in this house is fucking hard enough.

Time to block another woman i looked up to and cry myself to sleep, i guess!

[inkweedandacid]

One day I'll finish this but not at 2am. And probably not this month. I am currently drawing on my phone and it's uh, different and difficult but enjoyable and interesting? And no one reads this shit anyway so. I will post update for myself, I guess.

My poor tablet caught AI and I have yet to rip it fully out so no nice giant screen with a nice comfy stylus but at least I can still watch stuff on it for now.

Still not sober though, lolsob. Abby's 20 and starting to show it, it's been hard. Yeah. Anyway. Also the roof has side-graded from rats to water damage and oh well. I'm tired. Okay, time to watch Taskmaster then sleep.

[inkweedandacid]

Nearly lost Abby yesterday, she was so so sick, i took her to the emergency vet at 5am because she just couldn't walk, wouldn't stop shaking, couldnt even hold her head up, it was so awful.

Everyone there was preparing me for her not surviving, saying that she's 20 and it was a delicate situation and had a good life and oh my god, truly awful. Thank fuck she's a tough old lady because she's my baby. And now she's coming home in a few hours after a night in the cat icu. ;-; <3

Don't give kitty gatorade to cats with bad kidneys even if your regular vet perscribes it! She basically had too much potassium that it had crossed the blood-brain barrier and her kidneys just couldn't filter it out before it got critical and effected her neurologically. I feel so guilty, blergh.

I hope she has a few more years and then she can have a nice steak before being gently put down at home in my arms.

(My baby on her 20th birthday, her tail tip is going grey. :'3)

... i should probably get a therapist, putting all my mental health eggs in one cat shaped basket is Not A Good Idea. -_-

Edit - she's home!

[inkweedandacid]

My favourite restaurant is closing, I've been going there for nearly 20 years, where will I get delicious chicken enchiladas now. 😭😭😭

[inkweedandacid]

Who puts MINT in garlic sauce!? (╯°□°)╯︵ ┻━┻ Oh, yiros of betrayal, why are you doing this to me.

[inkweedandacid]

The system at my doctor's has changed and now it slaps everything under 'social details' onto every reference form and someone in the last 20 years I've been going there has put that I'm 'a heterosexual' in that section and it's uneditable in the new system. 🙃

So my doctor has to erase that every single time she goes to make me a new referral now. 🥲

Assigned uneditably straight by the medical system, truly a terrible fate.

Anyway, I'm starting the process of eventually getting a hysterectomy, hooray.

[inkweedandacid]

:(

migraines are awful :( took two serious painkillers and wow they do nothing next to the temple icepicks and brainstem buzzsaw nice nice oh my god why doesn't screens have a darker mode than dimmest :( I can't read my little gay fanfics for comfort :(

Ediitt:; The pills kicked in, now I am real fucling high with a migraine, I threw up my toast too :( trying toast 2 now, just eating on the nice cool dark floor at 9am as you do, I had to banish abby for noise complaints a d now it's very lonely. 8 don't wanna be this kinda high, oh no. Esp with migraine. :( ow :( :(

[inkweedandacid]

love when the brother I am no contact with comes over while I'm napping and no one warns me in advance, love walking out my bedroom and getting chokeslammed by a panic attack at the sound of his voice and having fucking flashbacks that I never wanna unpack. Truly fucking wonderful. Fucking hell. Holy shit.

It's bad enough that I have to live in his old bedroom (aaaaaaaaa), I don't wanna wake up and hear his voice as well. Fuck. Argh. Thank fuck for valium and diazepam and codiene and weed. Time to forget I even have a body. Sorry abby.