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my mom just admitted to laughing at ai videos of matt damon hate criming elliot page because there's no POSSIBLE way a trans man could play a character like achilles. and some motherfuckers still try to say trans men don't experience transphobia for being trans men
ugh god my best friend just admitted they'll never be interested in sharing space w me and even tho ik its because of their living situation it still makes me a lil nauseous. idk. maybe im a little in love maybe we're kinda codependent. well, we def used to be pretty codependent. like 'if you off yourself, ill off myself too' convo multiple times level codependent. feels weird to have a sudden shift away from that. also sucks cause they were my only possible way out of my abusive household. which, they arent. but i already figured, i mean im not so delusional to actually think theyd want anything more to do with me than they currently do, but i still hoped yknow. fuck. im never getting out of this fucking house
its really become obvious to me that there is no actual help for mental health. psych wards are basically prisons, therapists are untrustworthy liars who do not care, better help is a scam, antidepressants might make you want to kill yourself more, and nobody wants you to actually tell them how you're doing. like there's no help. or hope. its just be sick until you kill yourself, or willingly put yourself through horrible shit on the off chance you'll actually receive help. so if im suicidal, i cant talk about it. if i start having delusions and dissociating again, i cant go to a ward unless i want to be physically and emotionally abused and drugged against my will. there's nothing and noone that will help. why even try to seek out help when everyone i see talks about how horrible it all is? there is no help for the mentally ill in america.
god i pissed off my best friend and i might have a panic attack why am i like this why cant i be a fucking normal fucking person
jesus christ i havent eaten since last night and my mom has been talking a million miles an hour for two hours and WONT SHUT UP
i dont get how i dont pass at all. i just dont. i dont know what im doing wrong. do i need to cut off all my hair? Is it just because i'm short?? am i doomed forever to never ever pass just cause im 5'3?? i dont even speak in public, or wear womens clothes, or go out without a mask. so realistically, all people see clearly of me is my hands, my eyes, my hair and my height. how come every person i meet calls me ma'am or miss or girl before i ever get the chance to open my mouth? i dont understand what i have to do to get people to stop doing that. will it even stop after i go on T? if i get a beard and a deep voice will it finally stop? or will it just continue? am i just cursed to be a girl forever no matter what i say or do??
i just feel so fucking hopeless that i cant ever, will never br able to love like a cis man. that i will never be able to be with a boy the way a cis boy can. the way a real boy can. i will always fall short. it will always be different. complicated. my body always wrong. this is the only life i'll ever have, and i have to spend it trapped in the wrong body. on the wrong side of the line. i can never try to blend in. the only way i can do that is to finally relent and be a girl. and thats not what i am.
it's so incredibly unfair that i can never have a redo. i can never live life the way i was supposed to. that no matter what, i cannot love a boy who's the same as me. i fucking hate this. i want to have a real man's body. i want the world to see me as i am. and it never will. it will only see a 'confused girl' and it makes me sick
idk what the fuck is wrong with me. i just ruin fucking everything
