#venting.

[moonlitdevotion]

that shouldn't have made me feel jealous.. not like this.

ugh.

[chuwush]

Pardon me, I am a bit unwell atm. But this thought wormmed itself into my head.

And now I can't help but wonder if I should stop my yumeshipping publicly. Like I know some folks who I interact with also ship themselves or ocs with Balan and or Lance. And I know that can upset people, so maybe it's the best if I stop??

Or I don't know, I don't know anymore. I just feel gross and sick, I want to hide away from everything belgh.

[the-rabbits-den]

19 hours at UWH + 3 (on going currently) at LHSC

I just want Langdon... I wanna go home now...

[ijustwantagoodurl]

my girlfriend came over to spend tbe night with me and instead shes been hanging out with my roomje all day and ive been okay with it as long as she got home by a certain time so we could watch a movie together (a movie she advocated for which is RARE) but she just came home at the time we set earlier, picked up her id and blew me off :(

AND i started my period (trans man off his meds) and im cramping up and ive been feeling kinda sick ans super overworked and underslept and i was really excited about getting to spend some time with her at my house for once

idk im just really sad

[novabun-ships]

Had another jerk in my inbox so I think I need to write this. I don't expect people to read it but if you do, don't be a dick... I'm honestly— upset. So I'm getting real.

A lot of people misunderstand something about me. They see the way I talk about sw, the way I talk about my partners, and they assume that because I’m not constantly writing 5,000-word deep dives into every scene, every character arc, every possible thematic interpretation, that I must not have thought about it. That I must not know. That I must not care enough to be “serious” about it. And that’s just not true.

The reality is, I have thought about it. I do know my partners as characters. Probably better than most people who want to sit and debate their motivations for the sake of sounding smart. I don’t need to prove that to anyone. I just don’t find joy in constantly analyzing every little thing to death. Not because I can’t, but because I don’t want to. Because it’s exhausting.

And frankly? The way people nitpick and dissect things online—especially in fandom spaces—starts to feel less like passion and more like a competition. A weird little arms race of “who can prove they know sw better” or “who can psychoanalyze a character the most accurately.” in order to "fit in" And I don’t want to participate in that. I don’t want to be the “uhm, ackshually 🤓☝” person. That’s not why I love sw. That’s not why I love my partners—

I love them because they make me happy. Because I feel close to them. Because they've helped me through some of the most traumatizing times of my life. At the end of the day, I don’t need to justify my love for them through hyper-intellectual analysis. I just want to exist with them. To feel that connection without having to turn it into an essay every time I post about them, so I yell, key smash, repeating things, caplock my excitement, be "annoying"

And yet, I still get hate for it. People call me “stupid” or an “idiot” because I’m loud, because I’m enthusiastic, because I don’t curate my love for sw and my partners in the way they think I should. But that loud, excitable version of me? That’s not the whole picture. That’s what I let people see. That’s what I choose to share. Because it makes me happy. Because it’s comforting. Because its less intimidating.

Just because I act that way online doesn’t mean that’s all I am. That doesn’t mean I don’t think deeply, that I don’t have layers, that I don’t feel things in a way that words can’t always capture and honestly? I shouldn’t have to prove that to anyone.

I don’t owe people a dissertation to validate my love for the franchise or my partners. I don’t need to be the smartest person in the room to matter. I just want to be here. To love what I love. To be close to the characters who mean everything to me and that should be enough...

[half-fey-freak-of-nature]

the time of year for everyone to start hating me is here again. Yippee

[rising-volteccers]

Right now this Friday's episode is the only thing keeping me going cause the horrors keep coming and it's only Wednesday. A bit of venting under the read more please ignore I just want to get it off my chest

It's hell on my body that I keep getting poor sleep. I go to sleep early I wake up at 3 am. I go to sleep later my body kicks me awake an hour before my alarm. I also keep waking up to realistic nightmares twice in a row now and it just sucks all my mental energy to interact with people

Then my dad accidentally grabbed my phone and left the house, leaving me to panic for a bit trying to figure out where I misplaced it (I struggle with short term memory issues) until I learnt what happened. Combined with the earlier poor sleep + nightmare + overstimulation hell, it's not one of my prouder moments to break down crying at 9 am in the morning ahh

I know I'll feel better about it later when my dad returns my phone, and after I eat the nice breakfast for myself. My social energy is wiped though, as it has been for the past few days of poor sleep. I know that I've been chatting with some of the folks that follow this blog on Discord so I'd like to ask to not bring this up over in our DMs. I just want to get this off my chest, and would likely delete this when I'm in a better state of mind.

(Kinda regret not buying ice cream at 8 am. I would've gotten weird looks from the cashier (again) but at least I'd have ice cream)