Thinking about bf!Nom & the fibers of stability that have held him together over the course of his life.
Thinking about how because of how he was raised--losing his parents & taking on responsibility for Katie & starting training as a knight so young--he was never able to built enough of a core to himself outside of these strands, so when they've snapped (or even threatened to) he has snapped right along with them.
How when Katie left, it frayed the woolen yarn of family & comfort & his first unofficial oath, & along with that unraveled his drive and focal point that dictated all of his life: everything he did, he did so Katie could be safe, so Katie could be taken care of, so Katie could be happy.
How the only thing that kept him moving what his oath of knighthood, his duty to his kingdom: iron chain, strength & tradition, that could hold him together, give him purpose, give him structure. But then when faced with how those chains could also restrict & chafe, eating away at him & demanding him to give up all personhood, all care, all mercy; when faced with being told it was Duty & Honor to kill someone who was innocent, who did nothing to deserve this, he threw the chains off, finding himself no longer bound but also no longer tethered & instantly thrown adrift. He had no template to emulate, no framework for existing in a world where the only he'd ever learned to be, he assumed he innately no longer was.
How when Katie found out about his oath break, he was unable to bear the reminder of how few lines he had left to hang on to. How he lashed out at those that remained, scrutinizing each for signs they would imminently drop him. & when he could find no other explanation, even those that looked him straight in the eyes, he convinced himself that Graecie, a smooth cotton ribbon loosely woven through his entire life, was unraveling beneath the surface. It to be her, it had to be a betrayal, he needed an explanation that could eclipse the lie coming to light enough that he didn't need to only look at all his still raw wounds. & if he couldn't trust someone who'd always known him, who'd always claimed his best interests at heart, who could he trust to keep their word? (Only later he came to realize how he set that fine tape ablaze.)
How when it all came down to it, he still had 4C: a hempen rope he could rely on, durable & resilient, knots that held true & would never slip. That 4C would never break, never snap, never betray, was the fact Nom used to anchor himself. But for all that 4C knew the weight he was supporting & wanted to be able to uphold it, the swamp damp memories of what was given & knowing all too well the currents always threatening to pull Nom under, they all sank into the fibers, worrying away at the core. & when the twist between found brothers was split open, when the strands that had grown weak from concern turned to rot were revealed, everything 4C had feared & been trying to prevent came to pass. Without him to hang onto, without the integrity that he lent, Nom broke & fell back into the thoughts that violence was the only means at his disposal, that he was just an instrument of death, that there was no purpose in connection, no point in reaching out.
& how now, with yarn frayed beyond repair, ribbon turned to ash, & hemp twists truly split apart, Nom has been pulled down into the riptide. The loss & the exhaustion & the pain, so much pain, have all crushed his soul, pulverized it into fragments so small it's easier for him to sweep them into a box & set them aside & try not to let them stop him from doing what he believes he must. But that hollowed out shell of who had been struggling to learn to be a person, he still hangs above a void. & holding him there is just Scott: silk cord that holds him, soft & gentle with nothing but care. He does not waver, he remains steadfast in offering comfort, always there to braid in additional strands. He cannot allow what is between him & Nom to break, cannot allow anything that could lead Nom to think it might.
Because for all that not having 4C has Nom's spirit lost, if the cords that Scott offers him were to snap, there would be no Nom for the spirit to return to.
(tl;dr: idk man I just was thinking about how 4C saw his relationship with Nom as being the last thing holding him together & now Scott & his unwavering care & support are the last thing holding Nom here. Here being this plane of existence.)
