#very venty

[old-schoolgenz]

I just want things to stop happening.

I don't want to end my life, I like living.

I don't even have those thoughts.

But I can't do anything right.

I can't stay focused.

I just want things to stop happening.

[tainted-sweet-meats]

some unfinished sketchbook finds,. found in my diary stuff  I don't share much

[pizza-box-raccoon]

…

[the-buttercup-prince]

I got no friends 

I feel so ill

I'm so dang tall and growing still.

I wanna be ten feet tall, I wanna grow big red horns 

Fingers covered in thorns that pierce everything

I wanna be ten feet tall, I wanna eat fire and snow 

I wanna scare everyone.

[barghestia]

i thanked people a while ago for sticking with me in an incredibly shitty time and since then things have gotten dramatically worse and less people have stuck by me. This is something I understand, people have to cut their losses at some point and ultimately self harm and suicide are selfish and violent actions that only serve to hurt the people who care about you. It’s hard to blame the people I care about for wanting to distance themselves from me after I did something that fundamentally was a purposeful attack on them. 

However, I would challenge anyone to deal with the short-term psychosis and grief that I was experiencing in that moment. I want to do good for the world and for people. The best years of my life were the last two where helping to love and support and be loved and supported by someone else gave me the energy to break out of a long cycle of depression and finally make progress. 

My most recent ex is not abusive. She hurt me and I think I hurt her, too. Our relationship no longer worked, as she put it. I will miss her every day and I hate that I am no longer the person who supports her. I resent the people who do, because I am jealous of them. Some of these feelings are ugly ones that aren’t pleasant to look at. 

But I have to believe that intrusive thought and the impulses of a moment do not define the person that I am more than years of effort. I cannot allow myself to think that the people who have chosen to leave my life are right in thinking that I’m not worth standing by. I’m wracked with that, every day. I left my girlfriend because I wanted to inspire her to fight for me harder.

Fundamentally, that was manipulative. It was an ultimatum and my needs were not being met. I hate that our relationship died because it meant so much to me. She meant so much to me. But she decided that she couldn’t satisfy my needs in the relationship and took a step back. It was not her responsibility to take me back after I severed that relationship. She is not a villain and she did not do what she did maliciously.

And yet, I am still entitled to my hurt and my grief and my ugly jealousy. I fight back the person that mental illness would make of me every day. I hate that losing that fight has lost me so much but I’m not angry. I’m not angry at anyone. I’m sad, I’m hurt, and I’m struggling so hard with these feelings of loneliness, replaciability, and loss. I can barely sleep or eat. I’m fighting to get even close to where I was. 

So if you’re sticking with me or coming to help me now, thank you more than ever. I need it and I appreciate it and I can only hope that someday I’ll be able to show the same love and support to you. 

[dailydanganronpadoodles]

Grieving -Mod Komaru

[pizza-box-raccoon]

…

[lubieplackieverybody]

Heeseung leaving enhypen waste worst thing that could happen to me

i literally was with them since the beginning

i listen to every album

been there for practically every comeback

been on 4 anaversevy lives and every birthday live i could be

i was going to go to their concert last year (but couldn’t make it )

they were here for every single worst day of my life for (at least) the past 4 years

they helped me when i lost my group of friends or when i got bullied dumped and all that

they helped me through every panic attack and bad days

every night i cried myself to sleep they were there and your telling me this could all come to an end now ?

i refuse to accept this. i don want to accept this.

These guys were my friends family and motivation to do stuff and actually wake up every day

i can’t do it without them wtf