there’s been a steady stream of whiskey sours slotted in front of her for the last two hours, a gracious gesture from trusted leelan, the casino’s beloved bartender, seemingly the only person who had noticed a shift in miss holliday ever since the arrival of jack’s latest muscle man and her new bodyguard. comfortable silence always defined their after hours interactions, but heartache and liquor made rotten bedfellows ---- and nostalgia runs deep when javier’s just beaten the ever loving shit out of some heckler. “ i’m never gonna be happy again, lee. isn’t that a horrible thing to realize ? ” she’s dizzy, lonely, wearing a rock on her finger that dwindled in meaning every time she locked eyes with her protector, her ghost. leelan doesn’t ask, which encourages more honesty, “ i loved him ----- more than love, i breathed him. he was under my skin, he was every waking thought. which terrified me, y’know, because i know the business. you don’t fall in love with these guys, it’s collateral damage for everyone. and trust me, loving someone is never gonna be a problem again, mark my words . . . ” she’d never love jack, her heart is still thoroughly placed in another’s bloodied palm. “ i was gonna marry him . . . i wanted to marry him. never thought about it once in my life as more than anything than a power play, but my baby, i wanted it all with him. that’s the rotten part, because they wouldn’t let us. nobody would. sometimes i think even his blind fury wouldn’t let him, ‘til he achieved whatever vengeance he was looking for. it’s hard to compete with revenge. ” her throaty rasp, dulcet and delicious, becomes wet, broken, mirroring those baby blues that couldn’t look away from javier ----- but swiftly did when he looked back. “ i’ll never be happy again, because the only time i knew what real happiness was like was with him. and i left. there’s gotta be a world out there where we made it. where we exchanged vows, where i’m his missus. i’d fuckin’ chuck this diamond in the river if it meant being kissed by him again. ” she’s beyond miserable, beyond agony, slowly hollowing out into a restless vessel. a pathetic laugh shakes out of her, realizing how much she’s divulged and the tears that have slithered down her cheeks, clasping spindly digits over her mouth, “ let’s just keep drinking, yeah ? ”