no really if you're mousing over this, you can keep scrolling
I've just been feeling really incompetent lately. At most things. It's like I have to do at least one thing wrong every day and it's all adding up so even little things are setting me over the edge and I don't know how to deal with it. Today it's that I suck as a daughter. Because my dad texted me at noon, after I'd eaten, to ask me if I wanted to get breakfast. He always tries to make last minute plans with me on the weekends when I really need to be working and I've already planned out my day, and then he gets all disappointed when I can't do things. And I just feel terrible even though I know I shouldn't because he needs to understand that I'm in college and not always just available to do whatever he wants and anyway I'm not the one who got divorced.
But I'm almost still hungry because all I had was a donut which is never sufficient because I need breakfasts that feel like a meal or else my whole system rebels. And I'm sure I could spare an hour or two from my homework? I guess I could just say this is what I get for not doing it all yesterday. But since I already said no then I think the chance has passed and anyway my car has like a foot of snow on it and it would take a long time of brushing the snow basically onto myself and becoming disgusting to even leave and I'd have to wear my snow boots which I hate but the other option is having wet ankles and that's worse. And then I don't even know where we'd go but I don't have a ton of gas and I don't even think I have wiper fluid, or at least it wasn't working last weekend. But if I ask my dad to drive me then I'll lose my freedom to leave when he wants to go to his house and watch a movie I don't want to watch while I should be working. And anyway it's his birthday on Friday and I'll see him then. But still. I don't know. And I'm thinking maybe I should ask him if he wants to get lunch instead but I don't know. That's probably a bad idea. And it doesn't solve the driving or the time issues.
Y eso no es lo todo. Creo que soy amiga mala y novia horrenda. Nunca paso bastante tiempo con mis amigos porque no sé qué hacer. No puedo leer el la presencia de otros cuando hay aun poco ruido. No quiero sentarme en frente del ordenador por horas en seguida y tampoco me gusta cargar la batería incompletamente, y por eso no puedo mover el ordenador cuando ha sido enchufado y necesito acometer a una locación u otra. Y típicamente no me gusta jugar a los videojuegos con la gente porque todo lo que hacen es burlarse el uno al otro, y a mí eso no es divertido.
Además, siempre fuerzo la explicación de mis problemas a personas a quienes yo quiero. Cada vez me siento terrible y temo que no quieran estar en mi presencia en el futuro a causa de mi existencia molestante. Tengo miedo de empujar a los todos lejos de mí y por eso necesito cuidar a lo que digo para asegurar que no diga demasiado. Esto causa un gran conflicto. Una mitad de la mente no quería tratar de lo que me está molestando en el primer lugar, y esta parte dice que no lo necesito hacer, que no lo debo hacer, que todo sería mejor si mantuviera mis propios problemas. La otra mitad, por otra parte, me intenta decir que he estado silente por demasiado tiempo, y que necesito hablar porque mis amigos y novio y cariños en general, por definición, quieren que yo esté bien, y les importa lo que tengo que decir. Pero no sé. No sé encontrar la balanza, y tengo miedo de intentar porque es cierto que me equivocaré. A veces no me gusto.
