#video jerks

[videojerks]

Mark Wahlberg's 9/11: A Review

A review by Tucker Phelps

As much as I love renting movies at Video Jerks, I think that the store doesn't do much to promote the fact that they also rent video games.

I would never call myself a "gamer", in fact, aside from a few rounds of crystal castles when I was in junior high, I don't think I've played any video games and I could have gone through the rest of my life never doing so.

That was until I met Bree-Anne, the love of my life. Bree-Anne has got three kids. If the fastest way to a man's heart is his stomach, for a lady, it's got to be through her kids.

I decided that I needed to pick up a game console in order to give the kids something to do while me and Bree-Anne got "cozy".

I went down to the SeaBirds shopping complex and picked up a PlayStation 2, what I thought was the hottest gaming machine (that's what the clerk said). I guess the clerk lied to me. Bree-Anne's kids laughed at me and called me a "Choad-Loader". Unfortunately, since I didn't pass the kid's sniff test, Bree-Anne's pathway to earthly delights closed to me forever.

At least I got to keep the PlayStation 2.

(read more on Video Jerks now!)

[videojerks]

That's The Wang It Is! Volume One, Issue Two

I convinced Walter to stop by Video Jerks on the way back to my condo. Walt is my favorite "Harold Senior Freedom Van" driver. Usually, they are only allowed to take us to our destination and back home, but since I was the only one on the bus and Walt doesn't necessarily always follow the rules (WINK), he obliged me. I was so smoothed out from teaching my "Senior Sensual Massage" class that he had to wake me up from a nap when we got there.

I rushed to the "New Release" wall and saw that "The Ides of March" had been released on video. I grabbed the last copy, and headed back to the van.

When I inserted the smooth, circular disc into my player, I felt a tingle up and down my spine. I've been a George Clooney fan since the original "E.R" (the Elliott Gould sit-com, not that NBC horseshit) and I have been curious about this nubile Ryan Gosling that all the ladies have been talking about at my, "Sex after 70" class.

(read more on Video Jerks now!)

[videojerks]

Metropolis (1927): A Review

A review by "blu" Ray Kowalski

G'day and welcome to our review.

Oh, do the thing.

Koo Looko koo koo koo koo Koo---koo looko koo koo koo koo koooooo

Ok, welcome to our review. Today's topic is, "movies" and we got a doozy for ya. I wanted to watch "Horrible Bosses" but hosehead over here is trying to impress the girl with the nose ring who works at Video Jerks and rented "Fritz Lang's: Metropolis" off her 'favorites" shelf. Of course, he's such a panty waste; he doesn't even talk to her.

TAKE OFF! I did do.

(read more on Video Jerks now!)

[videojerks]

The Dark Knight (2008): A Review

Note: This review was written in 2009, originally intended for the now scrapped Rocket Video book. Please e-mail me if you would like to buy this piece. I would also be interested in writing for your television project.

REVIEW: Ah, the Dark Knight. What can I say that hasn't already been said? Well, right off the bat, I guess I can say I'm probably the only guy in America who walked in thinking it was a Martin Lawrence time-travel comedy. I was more than a little miffed when I figured out what was going on, but it did clear a few things up for me. For one, I was a little curious why there was a line around the block for it, and also that it was in IMAX (who my friend in comedy Aziz Ansari is currently calling out on their bullshit - check Aziz on myspace to read the whole story. He's kicking some serious IMAX ass... GO AZIZ!)

(read more on Video Jerks now!)

[videojerks]

The Pest: The Complete Animated Series (DVD): A review

A Review by Mister Peppers:

Lets face it... as a 'lil pup, I get lonely at home all by myself. Gabby is a great mommy, but sometimes she has to leave me home alone a little while, and I'm still at that age where I whimper and get a little sad when nobody is near by. Well, Gabby came up with the perfect solution. She goes to Video Jerks and rents me videos to keep me entertained!

I got a little rambunctious when she put on the Puppy Bowl Junior DVDs (the version that tones down the more adult jokes from the announcers). I have to admit I do still have a little growing up to do. So mommy got me some new shows with humans in them to keep me a little calmer. She got me "The Pest: The Complete Animated Series".

(read more on Video Jerks now!)

[videojerks]

The Film I'm No Longer Talking About (2009): A Review

A review by Scott Pickler:

REVIEW:

I remember from DARE class in the sixth grade; if I come across a snuff film, I'm supposed to report it to the cops. What if I come across an 'almost' snuff film?

"The Film I'm No Longer Talking About" is as close to a real life snuff film as I have ever seen and it scares me.

(read more on Video Jerks now!)

[videojerks]

That's The Wang It Is! Volume One, Issue One

"Twilight: Breaking Dawn, Part 1" is the movie "Twilight" fans have been waiting for. It starts with the wedding of sexy vampire Edward Cullen and Bella Swan. And you kids know what happens after a wedding?

It seems an eternity before Edward finally takes Bella. When he does, it is magical. All barriers fall away between them. They hover upon a cloud hewn of their own eternal bond. Edward Cullen is over one hundred years old, and Bella is a mere eighteen, but they are both wise enough to know that the soul has no age.

(read more on Video Jerks now!)

[videojerks]

VIDEO JERKS

I promise these self-promotional posts won't be frequent, but it is my right as an American to tell you that Video Jerks is on facebook & twitter. The facebook basically just does what tumblr already does (tell you when the site updates), so chances are it'll be useless to you.

But the twitter account features occasional store-related tweets, as well as links to reviews. It is preferred by all discriminating users of dumb social networking websites:

Face the book: http://www.facebook.com/videojerks Twit the ter: http://www.twitter.com/videojerks