Video Jerks

Do you like Video Jerks, but are an idiot who uses tumblr? Well,

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Assorted Movie Reviews from the Twitter Review Guy

A "lost" Video Jerks article, originally submitted back in May: 

Hey Jerks! Haha, jus' kidding, dudes. I would never be so mean to my fans. Without you, I am nothing (I'm still nothing with you—SO FLIP YOU—haha)

So the guys at Video Jerks asked me to bring my considerable Twitter movie-reviewing talent to bear to get customers up to speed on some movie reviews—A.S.A.P.!

For you people who aren't familiar with what I do (WHAAAA? What rock are you toad smokers hiding under? Kid-inggggg) I review movies on Twitter in 140 characters or less (it's harder than it looks, kiddo. Pay no attention to the twitterer behind the curtain). In this fast-paced world, it's the best way to separate the wheat from the chaff.

Get ready for a faceblast of literary dazzlement. Set you engines for "Stun"

Here

We

Go

(read more on Video Jerks now!)

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The Tuesday Street Beat: June 29, 2012

Hey guys, welcome to the inaugural post of my weekly column: THE TUESDAY STREET BEAT! Lance-Micronics here to school you on what's new this (past) Tuesday. Each week this guy will tell you what's cool and what drools in the latest video releases.

Mirror Mirror

This movie is for kids, but for my money it offers the best in entertainment this week. Sure, it's not very adult, but if you think it doesn't have it's moments of badassedness you're clearly wrong. Directed by Tarsem (I shouldn't have to say anymore - did you not see Immortals??), this flick really brings home the bacon in the FX department. If you're a HD junkie like me, you'll hi-definitely be picking it up on blu (though sadly it wasn't made available in 3D for the home theater market). It also doesn't hurt that Lily Simon is HOTTTT.

(read more on Video Jerks now!)

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Mark Wahlberg's 9/11: A Review

A review by Tucker Phelps

As much as I love renting movies at Video Jerks, I think that the store doesn't do much to promote the fact that they also rent video games.

I would never call myself a "gamer", in fact, aside from a few rounds of crystal castles when I was in junior high, I don't think I've played any video games and I could have gone through the rest of my life never doing so.

That was until I met Bree-Anne, the love of my life. Bree-Anne has got three kids. If the fastest way to a man's heart is his stomach, for a lady, it's got to be through her kids.

I decided that I needed to pick up a game console in order to give the kids something to do while me and Bree-Anne got "cozy".

I went down to the SeaBirds shopping complex and picked up a PlayStation 2, what I thought was the hottest gaming machine (that's what the clerk said). I guess the clerk lied to me. Bree-Anne's kids laughed at me and called me a "Choad-Loader". Unfortunately, since I didn't pass the kid's sniff test, Bree-Anne's pathway to earthly delights closed to me forever.

At least I got to keep the PlayStation 2.

(read more on Video Jerks now!)

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That's The Wang It Is! Volume One, Issue Two

I convinced Walter to stop by Video Jerks on the way back to my condo. Walt is my favorite "Harold Senior Freedom Van" driver. Usually, they are only allowed to take us to our destination and back home, but since I was the only one on the bus and Walt doesn't necessarily always follow the rules (WINK), he obliged me. I was so smoothed out from teaching my "Senior Sensual Massage" class that he had to wake me up from a nap when we got there.

I rushed to the "New Release" wall and saw that "The Ides of March" had been released on video. I grabbed the last copy, and headed back to the van.

When I inserted the smooth, circular disc into my player, I felt a tingle up and down my spine. I've been a George Clooney fan since the original "E.R" (the Elliott Gould sit-com, not that NBC horseshit) and I have been curious about this nubile Ryan Gosling that all the ladies have been talking about at my, "Sex after 70" class.

(read more on Video Jerks now!)

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Metropolis (1927): A Review

A review by "blu" Ray Kowalski

G'day and welcome to our review.

Oh, do the thing.

Koo Looko koo koo koo koo Koo---koo looko koo koo koo koo koooooo

Ok, welcome to our review. Today's topic is, "movies" and we got a doozy for ya. I wanted to watch "Horrible Bosses" but hosehead over here is trying to impress the girl with the nose ring who works at Video Jerks and rented "Fritz Lang's: Metropolis" off her 'favorites" shelf. Of course, he's such a panty waste; he doesn't even talk to her.

TAKE OFF! I did do.

(read more on Video Jerks now!)

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The Dark Knight (2008): A Review

Note: This review was written in 2009, originally intended for the now scrapped Rocket Video book. Please e-mail me if you would like to buy this piece. I would also be interested in writing for your television project.

REVIEW: Ah, the Dark Knight. What can I say that hasn't already been said? Well, right off the bat, I guess I can say I'm probably the only guy in America who walked in thinking it was a Martin Lawrence time-travel comedy. I was more than a little miffed when I figured out what was going on, but it did clear a few things up for me. For one, I was a little curious why there was a line around the block for it, and also that it was in IMAX (who my friend in comedy Aziz Ansari is currently calling out on their bullshit - check Aziz on myspace to read the whole story. He's kicking some serious IMAX ass... GO AZIZ!)

(read more on Video Jerks now!)

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The Pest: The Complete Animated Series (DVD): A review

A Review by Mister Peppers:

Lets face it... as a 'lil pup, I get lonely at home all by myself. Gabby is a great mommy, but sometimes she has to leave me home alone a little while, and I'm still at that age where I whimper and get a little sad when nobody is near by. Well, Gabby came up with the perfect solution. She goes to Video Jerks and rents me videos to keep me entertained!

I got a little rambunctious when she put on the Puppy Bowl Junior DVDs (the version that tones down the more adult jokes from the announcers). I have to admit I do still have a little growing up to do. So mommy got me some new shows with humans in them to keep me a little calmer. She got me "The Pest: The Complete Animated Series".

(read more on Video Jerks now!)

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The Film I'm No Longer Talking About (2009): A Review

A review by Scott Pickler:

REVIEW:

I remember from DARE class in the sixth grade; if I come across a snuff film, I'm supposed to report it to the cops. What if I come across an 'almost' snuff film?

"The Film I'm No Longer Talking About" is as close to a real life snuff film as I have ever seen and it scares me.

(read more on Video Jerks now!)

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That's The Wang It Is! Volume One, Issue One

"Twilight: Breaking Dawn, Part 1" is the movie "Twilight" fans have been waiting for. It starts with the wedding of sexy vampire Edward Cullen and Bella Swan. And you kids know what happens after a wedding?

It seems an eternity before Edward finally takes Bella. When he does, it is magical. All barriers fall away between them. They hover upon a cloud hewn of their own eternal bond. Edward Cullen is over one hundred years old, and Bella is a mere eighteen, but they are both wise enough to know that the soul has no age.

(read more on Video Jerks now!)

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VIDEO JERKS

I promise these self-promotional posts won't be frequent, but it is my right as an American to tell you that Video Jerks is on facebook & twitter. The facebook basically just does what tumblr already does (tell you when the site updates), so chances are it'll be useless to you.

But the twitter account features occasional store-related tweets, as well as links to reviews. It is preferred by all discriminating users of dumb social networking websites:

Face the book: http://www.facebook.com/videojerks Twit the ter: http://www.twitter.com/videojerks

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Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan (1982): A Review

A review by Ricky Spinks:

REVIEW:

Let me start off by saying that I'm NOT a Star Trek nerd. If there's anything I'm a nerd for it's weed and pussy.

And coke. I'll admit it. I like to party. It's not a thing. Not even a little bit. Who cares.

(read more on Video Jerks now!)

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Teen Nostradamus: A review

A review by Creighton Van Meerks:

REVIEW:

When the light grows dim and festive flickering begins to dance / The Son of the Toolmaker shall rise up and take his boon

If you thought that was one of the quatrains of the famous prognosticator, Nostradamus – you’d be wrong. It’s just a little bit of my own creation, a tribute of sorts to the fine work of young thespian, Jonathan Taylor Thomas (heretofore to be referred to by his preferred nomenclature, JTT).

(read more on Video Jerks now!)

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Contagion (2010): A review

A review by Jock Swanson:

REVIEW: Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. They did it all wrong. How can Hollywood mess up a pandemic? I mean, where do they get the nerds who make this crap?

I’m sure you can tell right off the bat that I didn’t care much for, "Contagion". This film is the Obamacare of disaster movies. By that I mean, a disaster from start to finish. What’s wrong with it you ask? Let me break it down.

(read more on Video Jerks now!)

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Brokeback Cowboys: A review

A review by (Name Withheld by Request):

REVIEW: I'm a filmmaker, so I think I know a thing or three about movies. I'm currently taking this weak-ass class at Harold Community College, called "Progressive Cinema". It's a class where you watch a lot of movies from other countries with lame subtitles and ladies wearing robes. This week, our assignment was to "Find a movie with a Homosexual Theme". Ugh. Really?

I asked the teach, "Hey, does 'Thor' count?" He didn't laugh, even though he knew I was funny. He's bitter like that, most likely because he's stuck at a crappy community college, instead of making flicks like me.

(read more on Video Jerks now!)

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We're Back! A Dinosaur's Story!

Jixby Phillips here, re-welcoming you to the all new, re-vamped Video Jerks. How is it different you might ask? Well, it has updates now. Will I keep it up on a regular basis? Only time will tell.

On the new review front we have Star Wars: The Complete Saga a blu-ray review by “Blu” Ray Kawolski, Rush: Beyond the Lighted Stage (2010) review by Susan Stepple / Attryculious, an Inception review by Peter “Strains” Strain, and a review by Jock Swanson for The Road (2009)

I myself have only managed to finish off one of those Adult Swim in Review things. I've reviewed Tape #5.

See you in 2014 for the next update!

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A BUTT-LOAD OF REVIEWS

Hello again, everyone. Remember last July? When I updated? I probably assured everybody that this site was “back, baby” (I said this a lot back then). Well, I’m not even going to claim that the site is back. But, maybe you won’t have to wait as long till the next update? Wouldn’t that be nice?

Here’s what’s new. But first, let me plug Mark Riddles’ fantastic blog: The Daily Claw. Mark spearheaded the revival of Video Jerks back in November... and I sat around and didn’t update despite him rallying people to create new content for it. What a disservice I’ve done! Hopefully, this all makes up for it.

First, we have some new movie reviews! We have Gorilla Weekend, Scavenger Race, and Termi-nerd reviewed by Mike Jergens. Then, we have some more movie reviews: Choosers Choice from Cryptyss, Fargo from Denny Middleson, and a review of The (American) Office from AST User.

Then, I did another one of those insufferable Adult Swim in Review things. Here’s Tape Four.

Okay, that’ll do for now.

Signed,

The most undisciplined website updater on Earth.

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STEP BY STEP: EP BY EP

Hey guys. Long time no see, huh? Well, you gotta understand something: I started this site when I was unemployed. Then, sometime shortly after my last update, I got a job. Guess what though? That's gonna be over pretty soon. So here's an update: Step By Step: Ep by Ep has ten new write-ups! Episodes 1-10. You're welcome!