#villain text

[cryptic-mutterings]

The stars are out again tonight, smug and silent as always.

[cryptic-mutterings]

The town priest begged me to stop enchanting the graveyard. “It’s upsetting the mourners,” he said. If anything, I’m improving their experience. Some people can’t recognize a gift even when it crawls out of the dirt to greet them.

[cryptic-mutterings]

The villagers begged me to stop enchanting the forest. “It’s already dangerous enough!” they said.

Sometimes I feel like they don’t know me at all.

[cryptic-mutterings]

I was having one of those days. The kind where the stars blink out for no reason, my cauldron refuses to bubble, and a crow drops a pebble into my tea.

So I turned to my favorite pastime: cursing the local villagers. Nothing major, just a small spell to enchant their bread so that every loaf would turn into a rock the moment it was sliced. Not my most advanced work. Harmless chaos, really, but the confusion would be entertaining.

When I strolled into the village to admire my handiwork, everything was as expected. The villagers were in chaos: trading blame, wringing their hands, pleading with their gods. It was delightful.

But then something caught my eyes. A broad smile worn by a child sitting cross-legged in the square. Blonde hair tangled with wildflowers, string in hand, tying it carefully around one of the cursed bread rocks.

“What are you doing?” I snapped, my cloak billowing ominously.

She looked up, completely unbothered. “Making a pet rock,” she said, holding it up for me to see. It had a crude smile drawn on it in charcoal. “His name is Sir Crumbles. Isn’t he cute?”

I blinked. “It’s cursed bread.”

“No, it’s Sir Crumbles,” she replied, perfectly cheerful.

“The bread is cursed,” I repeated slowly, “so it cannot crumble.”

“Do you want to hold him?” She extended the bread rock toward me like it was some rare treasure. I stared at her, utterly baffled. No fear. No tears. Just a smiling child offering me a rock that used to be a loaf of bread.

“No,” I said finally, with as much dignity as I could muster, wishing I had enchanted my cloak to billow even more ominously.

“Okay!” she chirped, cradling the rock like a beloved kitten.

I turned on my heel and marched away. This nonsense wasn’t worth my time. Behind me, a small voice rang out: “Bye, Mr. Wizard!”

Back at my tower, I sat in silence, glowering into the fire. The villagers had panicked, the curse had worked perfectly, and yet…

Sir Crumbles?

My mood is darker than ever.

[cryptic-mutterings]

The rumors began in whispers. An enchanted amulet of immense power, held by a wandering mage who never stayed in one place for long. I laughed when I first heard it—what kind of fool brags about something they don’t want stolen? But the more I heard, the more I wondered: was the mage a fool? Or was everyone else too afraid to find out?

[cryptic-mutterings]

A villager came to me begging for help. Something about his crops failing due to lack of rain—honestly, I wasn’t paying attention. I leaned on my staff and asked, “What are you willing to pay?”

He paled, stammering something about not having much, his hands fumbling nervously. I let him sweat for a moment, then waved him off with a laugh.

“Relax,” I said, “this one’s on the house.”

And so it rained. Not on the fields, of course—just on his roof. Heavy, relentless, endless. His crops remain bone dry. The roof, however, has never looked wetter.

[cryptic-mutterings]

The knight broke into my lair. I told him where the treasure was hidden. It wasn’t a lie, but he’ll wish it was.

[sunny-dokkaebi]

Gonna keep a list of things that I can easily forget about in my day to day life but whenever I do get reminded of them my reaction is intense and visceral:

• The Minecraft End Poem

• All Tomorrows by C.M. Kösemen (the video by Alt Shift X also works because his narration really brings something to the table)