OMG! are our eyes deceiving us or do we really see Aria and Raleigh appearing SEPARATELY at the Vinyls with matching outfits..? 👀 wonder what's the reason? new relationship after the messy breakup? messy breakup before the start of the new relationship? coincidence? tweet us at @/lolwhatisprivacy ! looking forward to the theories😱
(click on photo for better quality, I have given up how to work with tumblr when it comes to these sort of stuff. lol!)
My previous post was during the Red Carpet, this one refers to the Vinyls After-Party 😏 (y’all forgive the text, I can’t write articles 😅 group photo without the mock-up is under the cut just in case you wanna see)
candace peforms a song she wrote about her and raleighs breakup at the vinyls and things get messy
a/n: forever & always by taylor swift is a bop please listen to it. Funny story, the idea for this fic came to me while I was singing forever and always alone to myself but imagined I was singing it to a stadium full of fans like any normal person would
*the words in italics are lyrics from the song
Candace has never been shy about putting her own emotions into the songs that she releases, whether about finding herself or some kind of romantic angle. People seem to like that kind of thing, feeling like they know the artist through their music. She’s never minded, all of the speculation and her putting herself out there-until now.
Forever and Always was a last minute addition to her second album. Last minute almost being an understatement seeing as it was ready to go onto the album about a month out from when it was set to release. Fiona had been very upset about that, but eventually she’d gotten over it due to some extenuating circumstances. It had all paid off anyway, the song ended up being the most popular one off the album, even though it wasn’t initially released as a single it started getting circulated to radio stations and ended up being more popular than the actual single they’d released before the full album.
Which of course is the whole problem. In her haste to get the sound fully produced and put on the album as the final track, Candace had neglected to think about how she would feel about having to hear it over and over, or talk about it in interviews or perform it in front of actual people. Forever and Always is a song she started to write two days after she broke up with Raleigh Carerra and finished a week later after she’d moved out of the apartment they shared. Now she heard it almost everyday when she went out, when she was in the car, and it hurt more than she thought it would.
And now she’s supposed to perform it at the vinyls.
“I’m not doing that,” She tells Fiona, not even able to look the other woman in the eye. Candace shuffles around her apartment looking for a pair of her glasses that she's put in some drawer or on some table. “Can you tell them I won’t do that? I will do any other song, any other one.”
“It’s the most popular song on the album,” Fiona reminds her, “It's higher on the charts than any other song you’ve done, it’s synonymous with you now, it’s kind of your defining song.”
Candace finally finds the pair of glasses in a kitchen drawer and sighs, “Of course it is. Just my luck that it would be my defining song, the one I can’t listen to without tearing up.” Neither of them says anything, and Candace pulls a bag of pretzels out of the cabinet, then opens them which makes a lot of noise. “Okay,” She relents, “I will perform the song, but just know that I resent being forced to, and that I will need alcohol as soon as i'm done.”
“Both are noted.”
The night of the show comes around and Candace can’t shake the sense of impending doom that she keeps pulling at the back of her mind. The dress she’s wearing is one of her favorites of all time, but even that can’t stop the upcoming performance. It’s all made worse by the fact that she realized after she’d already agreed to do it that Raleigh was going to be there and see the performance. She knows that he knows the song is about him, just like she assumes the rest of the world does, just because there is no other logical option. Their relationship was public knowledge, and eventually so was the breakup.
She starts the performance and feels confident. She knows what she’s doing, it’s what she loves to do: sing for people and know that they hear it that they hear it, and like it. She catches his eye briefly during one of the verses but she looks away before any motion can come out of it.
So here’s to everything, coming down to nothing
Here’s to silence that cuts me to the core
Where is this going?
That one almost gets her, not because she’s looking at him but because she can feel his eyes on her, she knows he’s watching and it she wonders if he knows what those words mean to her. How much had it blindsided her when he just casually brought it up over dinner? She doesn’t think about it too much, just keeps going until she gets to the final chorus. Just as she thinks she’s actually going to do this and make it through without anything terrible happening she reaches the last chorus.
And it rains in your bedroom everything is wrong
It rains when your here and it rains when your gone
Cause I was there when you said forever and always
The emotions overwhelm her so much that she doesn’t even see that she’s looking at him, and that she’s crying. Suddenly she’s very aware of the fact that she’s looking at him, and tears are flowing down her face faster than she can wipe them away. She doesn’t stop singing, but she feels trapped in the moment like she can’t pull herself away from her own humiliation happening right in front of her.
But she finishes the song.
She waits until the lights are down before she all but runs off the stage. She runs through the stage, through the backstage, and out into the cold air. She walks away from the building, tears flowing down her face still. A chill goes down her body as she stands out there not knowing what to do but painfully aware that she just embarrassed herself on national TV. She wraps her arms around herself, mind running with thoughts of if she’ll ever come back from this or if for the rest of her career she’ll be asked about the night she cried looking Raleigh Carrera in the eyes.
At least if she thinks about her career she won’t think about how much she misses him. She turns towards the building just as Avery comes rushing outside, clearly she’s been looking for her in the arena. “Hey,” She says, running up to Candace even though she’s in heels, “Are you okay?”
Candace sniffles, “Yeah.” Avery gives her a look, and she lets out a breath before saying, “Fine, No I’m not. I just ruined my entire career and embarrassed myself on national television. I am never going to live this down.”
Avery looks sympathetic and quickly wraps her up in a hug. “It’ll be okay love,” She says, “People are going to forget eventually.”
Candace doesn’t believe that for a second, because if it was her she would never forget that. Her mind races with the thoughts of how many buzzfeed listicles it’ll end up on, how many articles will be written in the next few days about her, how many tweets she’ll be tagged in about her very public emotional breakdown. Fiona comes out of the door next, clearly out of breath from some kind of running to find her.
“Excuse my french,” She says when she catches up, “But what the fuck was that?”
“The consequences of making me perform a fucking break up with my ex in the audience,” She says, tears start to from in her eyes, “God, I fucked up.”
“This can be handled,” Fiona says suddenly, “It’s going to go away eventually.”
“That’s being optimistic,” She rolls her eyes.
“Well you are going to have to go back in there tonight, because if you're not there to accept your award then it’ll make this whole thing that much worse.”
Candance’s phone buzzes in her jacket pocket furiously, she doesn’t even move to get it though because she knows exactly what’s going to be there when she turns it on. She has never in her life wished she could disappear without a trace more than this moment. She looks back towards the door, knowing that Fiona’s right, but the instinct to turn and run flashes through her mind multiple times.
She turns back to the two women standing in front of her and tucks a hair behind her ear, “They could posthumously take away the award for being a crybaby.”
“Posthumously means you have to be dead.”
“I might as well be,” She groans loudly, “From now on I am going to be known as the girl who got her heart broken by the bad boy and then lost her shit about it on the vinyls, that’s the kind of thing that follows someone around.”
Neither of them can quite argue with that. She knows that she has to go back in, but standing out here for as long as she possibly can allows her to convince herself that she doesn’t have to. That she can just wander off into the distance, go home and shut herself into her apartment for the next three and half days, or longer if no one comes to physically drag her out.
“I’ll go back in,” She says, like it’s even a choice, “But I’m going to stand in the back and I want out as soon as it’s possible.” Fiona nods, and turns back to typing something on her phone. Candance walks back into the building, avoiding eye contact with every single person who passes her by. She goes back to the dressing room and takes off the glittery outfit she performed in, putting back on the gold dress she showed up in, with its ribbon sleeves tied in bows where it meets her shoulder. As she looks in the mirror she’s silently thankful she’s never been one to wear mascara, because makeup dripping down her face is the last thing she needs.
She stands at the back of the hall, thankful that everyone’s back’s are to her. Suddenly someone stands right next to her, and when she looks to see who it is she almost throws up right then and there. “What the fuck do you want?” She angrily whispers.
Raleigh doesn’t look at her, he looks out at the room ahead of them and the announcer giving some speech about the next award. Candace looks behind her to see if anyone is looking at the two of them, because pictures of them together would put the icing on the cake of terrible things that could happen tonight. “What happened?” He asks, his voice genuine.
“You fucking broke my heart,” She almost growls, “And now everyone knows that I am unstable.”
“I’m sorry,” He says.
“You say that now.”
“I’ve always been sorry,” He says, finally turning to look at her.
She doesn’t move, but something comes over her and she turns to look him right in the eyes again. Again tears start to prick in her eyes, and she wipes them again, cursing herself for crying at all the wrong times. “If you were sorry, you wouldn’t have been such an ass.”
He looks embarrassed, “You were better off without me,” He says, “You still are.”
“Because I’m doing great,” She grits her teeth and tries not to raise her voice. “You love to decide what people should think of you, decide what other people should do. Maybe once in a while you could get your head out of your own ass and let someone care about you for longer than a minute at a time.”
He opens his mouth to say something but a sound from the front of the room stops the conversation. Up in front of the stage, the announcer says, “And for female artist of the year, Candace Dorian.” Candace rolls her eyes, suddenly very uninterested in having the eyes of the entire room again. She starts walking as soon as she hears her name, suddenly cognisant to the fact that she has a long way to go to get onto the stage, which is another awkward moment that no one wants tonight.
She gets up onto the stage without a problem, and she’s not exactly nervous, just painfully aware that everyone knows what happened but she had to pretend like it didn’t happen at all. She takes the award from the hands of the presenter, and beams at the audience, “Thank you so much to everyone who has supported me and supported both of my albums. Music is everything to me, and I’m so grateful that I get to share it with everyone.” When she thinks it’s enough she walks off the stage.
She gets another award that night, for song of the year and when that is over she’s in the car on the way home. It’s not that she’s ungrateful for winning, if the performance had gone off without a hitch then she would be on top of the world at the after party without a care in the world. Now she stands in the bathroom of her apartment, changing her clothes into the sweatpants she knows she’ll live in for the next few days.
It’s when she’s finally laying on the couch, the newly delivered comfort food sitting on the table in front of her that she realizes that she misses him. That she wouldn't feel half as mad if she didn’t miss him so much, if she didn’t want him back so much that just looking at him makes her want to break down into tears. She feels stupid for even thinking that, because the way that it looks, the way it looks like he broke her heart and she took him back without even thinking about what kind of harm it could bring her. The whole world knows how much she wants him, and that feels like she’s shown her entire hand.
A couple of hours later, someone knocks on the door and she doesn’t even move. She doesn’t want to talk to anyone, she doesn’t want anyone to even look at her. When the knocking doesn’t seem to stop, she begrudgingly gets up off the couch and opens the door. Of course, the person standing there is the last one she wants to see.
“You were right.”
“What do you want?” She groans.
“You’re right,” He says again. “I pushed you away because I’m fucked up, and I convinced myself that you would be better off without me, because I love you so much that I don’t want to hurt you.” He rubs the back of his neck self consciously, “But it seems like I already did.”
“No shit,” She deadpans, she knows she should feel something about this but the events of the night have made her numb.
“I’m sorry,” He says, reaching out and taking her hand.
She wants to scream, she wants to somehow shake herself back to life but she’s been so sad for so long that her body has all but shut down. Instead of being happy now she’s thinking about the fact that this will have to come out eventually, but not right away because it’s tentative. She wants something permanent, she wants him to say that she’ll stay because right now it feels like the only feeling that's permanent is the one where she longs for him even when he’s technically hers.
“I love you too,” She says, “But I can’t do this if it’s going to be the same thing. I was always so afraid that you would leave me, even when you were standing right in front of me, and then you left and I didn’t think I would ever be able to get over it.” She stops talking suddenly because she doesn’t know how to say it, she doesn’t know how to tell him that she wants him so badly but at the same time she’s scared to let him in again.
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you,” He says, taking advantage of the lapsed into silence, “I never wanted to hurt you, but you were right I was being selfish.” He sighs, and then looks at her for a long time, “I came here to try and not do the same shit I always do. I came here to tell you that I’m not going to leave you, I’m not going to make choices that affect us without telling you and I came here to tell you that I love you. I love you so much and seeing you cry because of me was the worst thing.”
“You really did make me cry in front of millions of people.”
“I’m never going to be able to live that one down, am I?”
She pulls him in for a kiss, which turns out to be everything she’s been missing and more, and then says, “No,” still smiling, “But I still love you.”
