I can’t believe I almost lost my virginity to someone that isn’t attracted to me. When I see that person I get nervous, sweat a little, and am just really happy to see them. The more I communicate with this person though, the more I see that I’m just another girl he met on a dating app, another fling, possible one night stand even. I was ok with this mentality, I though well why can’t I have a fling? I’m a fucking grown up aren’t I? But I thought there was more excitement in having a fling. Aren’t the people involved wanting to see each other even a little bit? Lusting a little bit? I lust after this man, and he shows no sign of lusting after me. I try to make sexy plans with him, and he tells me he’s busy, or he’s tired, but that I should go out of my way on a work day to make time for him, because that’s convenient for him. So why the fuck am I even spending time with him? I DON’T KNOW. I’m 25 years old, and I’ll admit that I’m lonely and am craving the touch of a man. Even though I feel this, I still want to feel wanted, and I don’t feel this with him. Now I’m thinking to myself, how could I have even considered giving him the privilege of having sex with me? Of being me first time? HE CAN’T EVEN FLING RIGHT. Or is he doing it right, and I’m doing it wrong? I’m probably expecting too much, I’m probably not the fling type of gal. But I knew in the beginning that this wasn’t going to be a relationship, he lives in another country. I was ok with that, and was open to having fun with him anyway. But not feeling wanted, not feeling any lust, and him insisting on going along with his schedule I can’t handle. It’s unacceptable. So here I am alone in the dark of my room spewing out this nonsense because I feel such rage at myself and don’t know what else to do to vent at this time of night. Rage, loneliness, and some relief mixed in. So I’ll continue my waiting for someone to knock my socks off, my long waiting, and go on with my daily life. Oh yeah, no more dating apps. Everyone’s full of shit on them.
