Some crazy talk you can ignore
Deleting this later, but gotta let it out, so it stops cluttering my mind.
Reading my cards, meditating, channeling, just asking about myself, am I doing good, am I performing well so far in my new job or should I try harder, how is my heart (feelings).
Other than being told I should be more careful with my money, everything is fine, I'm doing well, they're proud of me, but then my heart is the issue. I was seeking answers about whether I'm stressing more than I recognize, if something is secretly worrying me, but instead they direct me towards him again. I don't want to heart about him anymore, nor do I want those sweet memories we used to share popping into my mind. I know what we are and I know we are bonded, but I do not want to remember, because despite it all, it still hurts.
And they say "He'll come back, you know he will."
And I have to ask them "But... do I even want him back? Would he have changed by then? Is it a change I'd still be capable of loving? I am fine, now, things are going well, why should I give it all up for him?"
And of course they tell me "In the end, the choice will be yours, but you know very well that sometimes letting go is the better option, after death, there is always a new beginning, and you know that to be true very sincerely."
It's not an answer, it's not reassurance, even, it's just reaffirming my own knowledge and I know what we are, and I know who he is, and I know the way he hurt me had its own reason, I know what I gained from this and how it helped me grow, despite the pain, but must it always hurt? Must I feel this rush of anxiety whenever a sign of him crawls into my life? I did the ritual to keep them away, to give a warning sign, of sorts, that while I understand the connection I do NOT want to be reminded of it. That it's his turn to learn, not mine and they can torment him, if they need to, but not me, I suffered enough... and it worked, I barely see signs of him, ever, but they do appear, just as small, gentle reminders, but even those soft whispers make my heart sink, remembering his charms, his blessings, our laughter, his smile, his hair and voice, his big warm hands that I wished would hold me every day, again and again. And I see the numbers, I see the animals, I see the signs, but they used to be so much worse, so I know what I did worked, but still, they remind me, because they need to, because even if I move forward, I cannot move on, least I forget what happened and repeat it.
I don't know if I want him back in my life and I had a reading before telling me of this - the choice, to stay or go and either way I'll be fine. In the end it is my decision and I will not be punished for it, in fact, whatever I choose, I'll be provided for and happy, with or without him, but... I know my fear and I know my hurt, I've faced them multiple times, gave them a voice and consoled them, and I know they want me to free myself, to just move forward and let him stumble his way through this world, just like he left me stumbling, but...
We've all been there, where we hated ourselves, a piece or two, maybe all, and we looked in the mirror, some of us shattered it out of rage, but the pieces that fall still reflect us. Who says that can't happen to a soul? I have it on good accord that it can, but not as drastically, it's more of an act of love towards the self, rather than violence, but I found that broken piece and looked at it, and felt love. I've learned and lived so much, I'm too old to feel the same hate I used to, before, or maybe too young...
I don't know, but tell me, how can I look at a piece of myself and tell it I hate it enough to forever cut it out from the rest of me? We say those things in the heat of the moment, but in the end only brief moments of insanity allow us to harm ourselves, or maybe indifference, who knows... I've always been an emotional person.
I will wait for him, in my cluelessness, and see what happens. I will, but... I pray it doesn't shatter me again, and I pray that it's kind.
I hope and pray that my reflection doesn't shatter the mirror, again.
I hope it stares at itself and realizes I hold nothing but love and hope for us, despite the cracks and blood on the frame.
Despite it all, in my eyes, we are still art, but I fear we might be the cursed kind.
