wishbone.
the police swarm the festival grounds, and you await anxiously for the bomb. and when it goes off it shakes you, takes your breath for a moment before the smoke clears and you can breathe. the gun in your hand is heavy, but familiar. and your orders are clear. kill them all. so you do, partaking in a night that will haunt this city forever. you dash forward, blind, and begin your shooting. only you don’t see it—the towering stall and its breaking wood. and you still take no notice of it as it begins to collapse beside you. only when it strikes you, knocks you down and pins you to the ground under burning wood, do you see. and it is too late. you are trapped, and your only options are to free yourself, with the risk of harming yourself in the process—or cry out to the crowd of people screaming past you and put your life in the hands of a stranger. take the risk and live, or lie down and die. but in the end, its no longer in your hands.
this is where the evening splits in half, henry, love or death. grab an end, pull hard, and make a wish.
( ft. gun )
the air is sweet and acrid with the scent of cotton candy and gasoline.
a bomb goes off; the rattling of automatic weapons follows rapid-fire.
mark, like all the other pawns upon the playing field, nearly buckles at the knees and crashes to the hard black asphalt when the heat and the force and the flames come rising up to smash the midnight into halves, quarters, eighths, sixteenths.
( his appearance deceives. he’s a pawn unlike all other pawns. they should run. they need to run. mark matters none but he’s still got a gun )
seoul is a piano sonata shot all to hell by the staccato of cannon fire,
and mark is a marionette defined by the pull of his strings.
it is time for the puppet to dance. everyone has a role to play,
and his orders are to kill, kill, kill.
kill them all.
( i’m so sorry )
lanterns dot the rows of festival booths like little origami stars folded by and fallen from a heavenly hand.
the fire presses down upon the festival from every cardinal direction. it heaves its hot, rancid breath down upon the backs of their necks and threatens to devour the corrupt city whole. mark looks only at the lanterns.
he thinks they are beautiful.
they are beautiful, and he is so terribly sorry for what his hands are about to do. the lanterns glow warm and yellow in the irises of his dark, dark eyes and mark wishes that he were here to gorge on street food, to knock down stacks of milk bottles with a baseball, to laugh, and to swallow a tiny morsel of happiness and to hold that happiness inside of himself because it is his and he is alive, and no one can take that away from him, his levity or his life, when the lanterns are bright and the night sings softly with hope–
but it’s all too fitting that mark only gets to walk amongst the lanterns as a fucking hurricane.
he gets to walk amongst the lanterns as thunder and lightning and a sleek black gun to bring some rain down upon this perfect little parade.
it is time. mark pulls the mask over his face and it, too, is yellow– yellow like the spinning, swaying lanterns– with rose-dipped cheeks and a black button nose seated right above its cheery, cartoonish smile. it’s a goddamn pikachu mask and that, too, is somehow fitting.
( i don’t want to do this i don’t want to do this i don’t want to do this i don’t want to do this i’m sorry )
but when has mark ever had a choice when it comes to his body and the sins it has been made to do?
smoke burns his vision; his eyelashes flutter against airborne debris and a battering of near-tangible heat. the safety releases. his hand steadies.
the man in the pikachu mask blinks blindness from his gaze, but his aim holds true nonetheless.
mark drops away from himself. he lets go, and it all just drops away.
he squeezes the trigger and a scarlet rosette blooms across the back of a woman’s pretty white sundress. he squeezes the trigger and a wet red flower opens itself up in the center of a man’s chest, right at the core of his heart.
he blinks the smothering miasma from his stinging, watering eyes and a young girl’s round white moon face flickers into his pistol’s line of fire.
mark’s finger turns to stone upon the trigger.
she is just a child. she is also lovely. she wears her hair in two black pigtails so silken that they shine and bounce to the movements of her head, and tears cut tracks into the ash and grime that coats her pallid cheeks. she falls to the side of the woman in white– now, white and red red red– and the shape of a word appears on her small, quivering mouth. the word is ‘mother’. she looks at mark and the line his gun makes in his hand– looks at him unwaveringly, unrelentingly, with eyes that are awed and abhorred by what they view– and mark knows that he has witnessed a scared little animal gaze into the face of an apex predator to see its own death staring back. the ‘o’ of her opened mouth is deep and black, a portal into the watching abyss that mark cannot tear his eyes from, and although her screams are swallowed up by all the other screams, he knows that hers exists. it is alive with terror.
mark pulls the plastic mask up over his face and allows it to tumble, too yellow and too smiling, onto the hot black tarmac. the safety clicks back into place within the gun and then the gun is fluttering away from his hands like a big evil bird, and the gun is a raven, maybe. the raven skitters to the ground with a clattering metal retort and lies still.
he is an orphan. he has made another into an orphan. for this, he shall not be forgiven.
( i’m so, so sorry )
mark’s mouth molds into the shape of ‘sorry’, sorry sorry sorry sorry, an endless litany of sorry, but his tongue is dry and his ash-choked throat refuses to unstick itself and in the end, sorry means nothing anyway. sorry doesn’t mend mutilated flesh or put the lifeblood back into a mother. the little girl watches the true countenance of her apex predator appear and then shatter apart, contorting into something true– something sad, something scared– and she does not understand. she does not understand why a bullet has not ripped through her yet to leave her as stone-still as her mother. she does not understand why the man in the pikachu mask unveiled his real visage only to drop his weapon and mumble– all numb in the face and dead in the eyes– these little quavering things that she could never hope to hear.
abruptly, her confusion mutates back into wide-eyed shock and the girl is feeling her fear again, the selfsame fear she had momentarily forgotten how to feel. she points at mark. the shape of a lone man solidifies out of the vibrating, pulsating mass of screaming, stampeding people to scoop the child up into his arms. her pigtails bounce. she still shrieks. she still points.
mark wonders if the man had been the girl’s father. he wonders. he is devastatingly sorry. his 'sorry’ still does not put the breath of life back into the slain woman in white.
the little girl had not been pointing at mark.
she had been pointing behind him.
mark doesn’t know what’s happening to him. the world whistles past his eyes, flashes through his ears– lanterns smoke fire lanterns fire guns bang bang blood fire sorry blood dress sorry sorry– and suddenly, he is– and suddenly, he is very much–
and suddenly, mark is very much dying.
the wooden construct above his head is a circus performer– a massive stilt-walker teetering forth on broken stilts, stilts that are sharp and snapped and flaming hotly– and mark sees it looming in his peripheral vision only as the stilts– the supports– flay apart and fail, and the great burning thing comes rushing down to embrace him in its crushing arms.
he’s knocked flat on his back. the wooden beams slam down atop him, whipping his powerless limbs this way and that, and one falling timber catches him directly in the forehead. it cracks his skull back into the road. he lies very still, scarcely breathing. the debris has compressed all of the air straight from his flattened lungs. he lies very still and origami stars chase each other’s tails around within the pools of his eyes, shooting comet-like through his discombobulated brain.
this is it.
this is how he will die.
if the beams do not impale him or crush him completely beneath their weight, then he will burn to death.
isn’t this what he wants?
death is easy. it’s living that’s the hard part. and he’s ready to fold.
( no )
mark gasps. filthy, smoke-laden air rushes into his lungs and he wheezes; he coughs; he blinks dirt and dust from his eyes, and his pinioned legs twitch underneath all of the wooden weight that binds them.
( no. stop lying to yourself. you say that you feel nothing, but you want to feel everything– and you’re scared of feeling everything– all at once, all at the same time. you’re a liar. you’re a pretender. you’ll never be the same as your masters because you care about things, about everything, and nothing will ever be enough to fully excise that truth out of you. you don’t want to die but you don’t know how to live. you’re afraid. you’re afraid and being afraid is what scares you the most. you’re afraid of death. you’re afraid to be alone. you’re afraid of your loneliness. you’re afraid of love. you’re afraid of falling in love. you’re afraid to die. you don’t want to die. you don’t want to die but you don’t know how to live. you want to live anyway )
the fear wakes mark up.
he’s had a scream confined within his chest since his days of childhood, and he has always swallowed it down, held it inside. allowed it to burn there, caged and captured.
for the first time in his life, mark looses it from the depths of his throat. he lets those two unspoken words sing free, and they become a sharp noise– a clear, piercing noise– the war cry of a frightened, wounded little beast– a little beast that does not want to die; it’s a sound that curdles the blood, thickens it to ice in the vein, and it cuts through the burning night sky like a knife and echoes, echoes, echoes.
“help me!”
the words thin until they are nothing but an organic shriek. it’s the sort of scream that wrecks the throat utterly, and mark was already suffocating– he cannot breathe except in gasps, and the agonized wheezing draws in more smoke and dust than oxygen, shredding the throat and seizing the lungs– but he forces the screams into the world anyway.
epinephrine makes everything bright and lucid, and maybe he deserves this for all the ills that he has done, but this is not what he wants.
improbable tears spill forth from his blurry, clouded eyes. it is so viciously hot beneath the burning wood and immolating skyline that he would’ve thought his tears had all dried, but he is wrong. the tears are thick, salty, and mix with the blood from the gash upon his forehead. it blinds him. he is blinded, and burning, and screaming his whole life out into the choking air.
( please help me i want to live )
mark can feel the hot little teeth of flames gnawing through the fabric of his jeans. it won’t be long now until his lower body, compressed and immobile, is completely aflame– and not much longer after that until his arms and abdomen suffer the awful lickings of the fire, as well. one arm is trapped against his chest; the other, beneath him. he hears popping from within the mass of smoldering wood and senses the internal shifting within the beams.
with another guttural cry, mark wrenches his arm out from underneath his body and catches a wayward plank of wood against his palm just before its jagged, nail-tipped edge embeds itself into the soft, pale column of his throat. his spine creaks. his lungs struggle for breath. mark turns his head away from the threatening wood and presses his cheek to the roughness of the asphalt.
time’s up. mark invests all of his remaining breath into the liberation of his other arm– the arm not currently acting as the sole safeguard between himself and a gory demise– and his screams die in perfect synchronization with the closure of his eyelids.
but he gets the arm free.
he is exhausted. he is smothered. his hand stretches out, searching and frightened. clean, well-manicured fingernails scrabble across the ground in a blind, shivering panic, clawing at the hard asphalt only to shred themselves apart in the process.
( help me stay with me please)
( i don’t want to die alone )
