It has been suggested to me that I go seek professional help again. My anxiety has never really gone away but my behavior is suggesting that I'm not steady anymore. I don't fit many depressive symptoms but I have to describe it that way since I don't know what else to call it. I was told I have fallen back into a lot of my old habits. Regressed as it was described to me. I see some of it, but I don't think it was as bad as I'm being lead to believe. I thought I was doing good to be honest. I have found my voice to speak and stand up for what I believe or think. I speak my mind more instead of just smiling and taking things, or falling into myself to hide from it all. I feel like a person instead of just a conglomeration of parts and emotions. But I was told I'm starting to slip. Do I follow their advice and seek help? I've done Psychiatric help before, it gave me someone to voice opinions to but it was time consuming, and is expensive. It is no longer free for me, and I can't pay the money to go. On top of that I will begin grad school in just under a month and will not have time to go. I don't know if it would be beneficial for me to even go. I feel like now I am watching myself from the outside. I am shutting down physically, I laid in bed for a few hours this morning contemplating if I even wanted to get up. Just because I didn't know what to do. I was told that I have taken the support of my loved ones for granted. That my outbursts and struggles are beginning to stretch them thin. They love me, but I'm hard to love. I've known that but I've begun some difficult contemplations. If I love them do I let them go? Or is that some stupid trite advice that is idealistic and not true? They promise they won't leave, but if I'm hurting them do I make the call? Do I be the strong one and say you don't deserve this pain please find happiness elsewhere? I love them, but is it worth destroying someone else's chance at happiness because I couldn't let them go. Do I really love them if I hurt them this way? Or is there something else going on entirely? I don't know what I'm going to do. I don't know what I should do. Will I ever know what's the "right" thing to do? I just needed to pose these thoughts to the void. Thank you void for listening. I am done taking up your time now.
