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"Did we know we were lying about the drugs? Of course we did."
IT IS THE POSITION OF THE...EXPLODOCR...ATIC...
...
...
WHAT.
THE.
FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF************************CK!?
BRICK! GET YOUR A*S OVER HERE. THERE ARE FACES TO KICK AND D*CKS TO PUNCH AND I CALL DIBS ON BOTH BRING MY BARBECUE BIB.
J’EN AI RAL LE CUL
IT’S NOT A SECRET THAT I LOVE EXPLOSIONS. IN FACT IF YOU LOOK UP THE WORD EXPLOSIONS IN A DICTIONARY (WHICH I’M TOLD HAS WORDS IN IT) YOU’LL PROBABLY FIND A PICTURE OF ME SURROUNDED BY A HALO OF ABSOLUTE HELLFIRE FIGHTING A FAMILY OF SHARKS WITH MY BARE HANDS 1000 MILES UNDERWATER IN THEIR HOME BECAUSE THEY HAD THE AUDACITY TO INSIST THAT MALIWAN WEAPONS WERE BETTER THAN THE TORGUE CORPORATIONS. AS*HOLES.
HOWEVER, DO YOU KNOW WHEN YOUR FRIEND MISTER TORGUE DOESN’T LIKE EXPLOSIONS? WHEN THEY’RE INVOLVED IN ACTS OF TERRORISM AGAINST INNOCENT PEOPLE.
THE EXPLODOCRATIC PARTY HAS A FIRM “NO INNOCENTS EXPLODED” POLICY, AND I THINK ONE OF THE MAJOR DISCONNECTS IN INTERNATIONAL POLICY THAT LEADS TO BULLSH*T ATTACKS LIKE THAT IN BRUSSELS TODAY, IN AREAS LIKE TURKEY, OR LAST NOVEMBER’S ATTACK BY A GROUP OF F*CKWITS IN PARIS IS THAT MOST INTERNATIONAL POLICIES HAVE FOCUSED ON ANTI-TERROR ENFORCEMENT RATHER THAN EMBRACING THOSE THAT HELP PREVENT RADICALIZATION IN THE FIRST PLACE.
NOW, THERE ARE ABOUT AS FEW SITUATIONS WHERE I DON’T LIKE RADICAL THINGS AS WHERE I DON’T LIKE EXPLOSIONS, BUT THE NARRATIVE IN TERRORISM POLICY HAS TO CHANGE. IT ISN’T ABOUT “US VERSUS THE TERRORISTS” IT’S “THE PEACEFUL WORLD VERSUS RADICALS” AND THE EXPLODOCRATIC PARTY FIRMLY SUPPORTS POLICY THAT CREATES A BETTER AND MORE PEACEFUL WORLD BY PROMOTING UNDERSTANDING TO UNDERCUT THE RADICALIZATION OF ANY AND ALL DEMOGRAPHICS.
BECAUSE WHEN YOU PREVENT RADICALIZATION, THE ONLY EXPLOSIONS LEFT ARE F*CKING AWESOME ONES.
VOTE TORGUE: RADICAL FOR LYFE (BUT IN THE GOOD WAY)
INCLUSIONARY ZONING
THE EXPLODOCRATIC PARTY SUPPORTS A WIDE RANGE OF SOCIAL SUPPORT AND GENERAL WELFARE POLICIES, BUT WE CAN’T QUITE GET BEHIND THE MISGUIDED BULLSH*TTERY THAT IS INCLUSIONARY ZONING HOUSING ASSISTANCE.
THE TRAGIC THING ABOUT INCLUSIONARY ZONING IS THAT IT TENDS TO HAVE THE OPPOSITE EFFECT OF PROVIDING ECONOMIC OPPORTUNITIES FOR THE PEOPLE WHO SHOULD BENEFIT FROM IT THE MOST.
RECIPIENTS, DUE TO THE USUAL BUREAUCRATIC CLUSTERSHAG THAT IS THE MANAGING SERVICES DEPARTMENTS ARE OFTEN UNDER-QUALIFIED FOR EMPLOYMENT OPPORTUNITIES IN THE AREA SO THEY STRUGGLE TO FIND REASONABLE WORK. DO YOU KNOW HOW GODD*AMNED AWFUL THAT WOULD MAKE YOU FEEL? IT MIGHT EVEN SEND YOU INTO A TAILSPIN PERSONALLY AND STRAIN FAMILY RELATIONS.
NOT TO MENTION IN THESE AREAS THEY HAVE TO PAY MORE FOR THE GOODS AND SERVICES AROUND THEM DUE TO THE UPWARD PRICING PRESSURE IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD WE PLACED THEIR SORRY AS*ES. ON TOP OF THAT, GUESS WHAT BUTTERCUP? YOU’VE NOW ALSO ISOLATED THEM FROM THE REST OF THEIR COMMUNITY AND FAMILY.
HOW ABOUT INSTEAD OF THESE WELL INTENTIONED BUT MISGUIDED HOUSING POLICY, WE INVEST SOME GODD*MNED MONEY INTO THE NEIGHBORHOODS THAT ARE STRUGGLING DIRECTLY? PLUS IT HAS THE ADDED BONUS OF REMOVING THE ELEMENTS WHO WOULD SEEK TO ABUSE SUCH HOUSING PROGRAMS TO SIMPLY LIVE IT UP WHILE THEIR VOUCHERS ARE ACCEPTED. F*CK THOSE GUYS.
BINGE-WATCH
DURING A CAMPAIGN FUNDRAISER I FORCED MAYA AND MORDECAI TO BINGE WATCH ALL OF THE SECOND SEASON OF DAREDEVIL WITH ME AND I DON’T UNDERSTAND HIS POWER IS THAT HE IS A BLIND GUY WHO HEARS GOOD? THAT PUNISHER GUY SEEMS TO HAVE HIS HEAD ON STRAIGHT THOUGH. I LIKE HIM. DOES ANYONE KNOW IF HE HAS THE QUALIFICATIONS NECESSARY TO SERVE AS SECRETARY OF EDUCATION BECAUSE I THINK HE’S PERFECT.
RENEWABLE ENERGY!
AT MY LAST RALLY (WHICH WAS HOSTED IN MY BACKYARD AND ATTENDED BY ME AND MY NEIGHBORS WHO WERE YELLING AT ME TO TURN DOWN MY ENTRANCE MUSIC) I SPENT SOME TIME DISCUSSING THE KEYSTONE XL PIPELINE.
INITIALLY I WAS COMPLETELY IN SUPPORT OF IT. LOOK AT THAT NAME! IT HAS XL RIGHT THERE! EVERYONE KNOWS THAT XL MEANS AWESOME THAT’S JUST SCIENCE AND DON’T YOU GO CITING SOURCES THAT SAY OTHERWISE BECAUSE I SEE YOU OVER THERE FIRING UP THE GOOGLE MACHINE STEVE. THAT’S RIGHT STEVE. F*CK YOU AND YOUR GOOGLE EVERYONE KNOWS IT’S SPELLED GOGGLE DON’T YOU ARGUE WITH ME.
BUT STEVE HAS A POINT (F*CK YOU STEVE) AND UNFORTUNATELY THERE ISN’T ANY WAY AN ADMINISTRATION PUSHING FOR ENVIRONMENTALLY FRIENDLY POWER LIKE OURS COULD SUPPORT THE PIPELINE WHOSE SOLE PURPOSE IS TO TRANSPORT FIVETYTWELVEBILLION GALLONS OF CRUDE OIL.
THAT’S WHY WE IN THE EXPLODOCRATIC PARTY ARE GOING TO USE THAT OIL WHAT GOD ORIGINALLY INTENDED FOR IT: DEEP FRY DINOSAURS IN THEIR EXTINCT COUSINS AND THEN INSTALL SOLAR PANELS EVERYWHERE ELSE.
I MEAN EVERYWHERE. YEAH EVEN THERE.
VOTE TORGUE 2016: MINE THE SUN, AND EAT FRIED DINOSAUR
*BITCHIN’ GUITAR SOLO*
I DON’T KNOW WHAT THE F*CK A GLASS-STEAGALL IS BUT IT SOUNDS LIKE A GODD*MN EAGLE MADE OF GLASS AND WHILE I HAVE CONCERNS ABOUT ITS STRUCTURAL INTEGRITY THAT SOUNDS ABSOLUTELY AWESOME SO I’M ALL FOR IT.
One person involved in the gathering described it as in the “embryonic” stages.“
I HEREBY ACCEPT THIS NOMINATION BUT INSTEAD OF “CONSERVATIVE” OR “INDEPENDENT” I PREFER THAT OUR NEW PARTY BE NAMED THE PROGRESSIVE EXPLODOCRATS.
AND THAT WE AREN’T AFFILIATED WITH THESE GUYS.
BASICALLY WE’RE FOUNDING THE EXPLODOCRATIC PARTY.
THERE WILL BE BARBECUE AND BASIC HUMAN RIGHTS FOR EVERYONE! (DOES ANYONE KNOW WHICH GROCERY STORES CARRY BASIC HUMAN RIGHTS? WE HAVE PLENTY OF BARBECUE)
I’M FOR EQUAL RIGHTS FOR ALL AND A NATIONAL HOLIDAY SPECIFICALLY FOR WRESTLING AND/OR BARBECUING SHARKNADOS WHICH I HEAR ARE A REAL THING GODD*MN THIS COUNTRY IS AWESOME
