The Culprit: paranoia
The monsters in our heads. The voices making rumors. The ideas that manifest out of nowhere, creating unreal chaos. Worrying about things that are the farthest from true, just made up mumbojumbo.
"I’ve got 99 problems. & 86 of them are completely made up things in my head."
This is me to a T. It’s sick and today was the worse case of it in awhile. However, I caught it. I kept telling myself (or my mind) that it wasn’t true and to shut the fuck up. Basically. But before I came to terms with my paranoia I went out and bought a pack of cigarettes (out of character) and smoked three before I had even made it back home (very out of character). And for what? Because I wasn’t getting a response from someone? Because their cell phone wasn’t working and I immediately went to worse-case-scenario-Sam in 2.5 seconds. Or less. And I ask myself, why? Where does this come from? Why do I let these demon thoughts run rampant in my mind? And where’s my control? On the zen path your suppose to have control over these things. Keeping the mind quiet, your ‘vrtti’ in Sanskrit terms. But I did just the opposite and I hated it. Because by the end of the day I got my response and it was exactly the exact opposite of what scenarios I was allowing to consume my mind. So I guess this goes to show how much work is left to do on my self-control. Pessimism can kill you. & I won’t be a victim to that. I’m typically very optimistic since I became a yoga instructor (I know, ridiculous). So I took a mild step back today, but with this realization I can only hope to conquer my mind even more so now. No one cares about this, I know. But it’s my necessary word vomit. -S