22? Could you post the original passage to compare and contrast?
of course!!!
22. Choose a passage from one of your earlier fics and edit it into your current writing style.
under the cut, because itâs a little long. years and years ago, i published exactly one merlin fic on livejournal and it got next to no exposure. this passage is my interpretation of the magical reveal. first the original, then beneath it my revisions. (iâm not sure whether you know merlin at all??? but hopefully itâs not too important to this exercise. i picked it because the differences will be more obvious, but i can pick something else too if youâd like! star trek, perhaps??)
question me, a fic writer!
Arthur heard the door open and shut, hinges creaking faintly. He turned his head and was met with the sight of his least favorite neckerchief-wearing manservant.
âAh, Merlin,â he said cheerfully. His voice was quiet and a little hoarse from disuse. âCome to feedme breakfast, have you?â
âWell, sire, that might be alittle strange, considering its nearly time for dinner.â The smirk was audiblein Merlinâs voice, though he didnât turn around.
Arthur pouted. âThat justwonât do. Iâve just woken up, and now I want breakfast, and you, Merlin, are my manservant, so youâreobligated to get it for me.â
âI would disagree with you,âMerlin sighed, âbut it would do me no good. One breakfast in bed, coming up.â
With that, Merlin droppedwhatever he was doing and started walking toward the door. But something inArthur suddenly started to panicâsomething in the back of his mind struggled totake control, and wriggling in the back of his throat was the overpowering urgeto scream, âMerlin, donât go!â
But he didnât. Arthur just layin bed and watched his manservant cross the room, as if in slow motion.Something in the way he moved, upright and proud, reminded him of before,something that wouldnât quite come to light⊠He had been different then,still upright, but rather than proud heâd been alert, noble, ready. He was ablurred figure standing in the sun, hand outstretched, eyes flashing gold as hefaced a fearsome foeâ
âeyes flashing gold as hiscool hand rested on Arthurâs chest, an inexplicable orb of light hoveringbehind him, hand cloaked in a warm, wet mist, and the sensation entered hiswound, spread through his bloodstream, relaxed him and carried him into warmdarknessâ
âMerlin!â
The boy turned, and Arthurjust stared, mouth open. He couldnât explain why heâd done it, why heâd saidanything. Now Merlin looked confused, and Arthur was sure that he looked messyand crazed and afraid. But here he was, and now that Arthur got a good look athim, he saw it even clearer than before; it was almost as though Merlinâs eyeswere glowing gold right that second, as though his hand were glowing with anunexplainable light, as though he were really, truly usingâŠ
âMagic?â
The word drifted out andstruck a wall of silence. Merlinâs expression hadnât changed, but there wassomething in his eyes, something shocked and fearful.
âMerlin⊠Merlin, are you asorcerer?â
His manservant blinked, jawset; his gaze fell somewhere on the bed beside Arthur.
âOf course not, Arthur,â helaughed, obviously trying to come across light-hearted, but the sound was stiffand false. âDonât be silly. Isnât it your theory that I would be too stupid toeven know how to use magic?â
Silence reigned for a moment,but Arthur was not a patient man; he struggled to pull the blankets offhimself, and winced as he lifted himself from the mattress and onto the floor.
âMerlin.â His voice was low, stern.âDonât lie to me.â
The smile fell from Merlinâsface, but he said nothing. He wouldnât look at Arthur.
Reaching him, the Prince laida firm hand on Merlinâs shoulder. âMerlin, please,â he whispered, and he knewhis eyes were sad as they searched for Merlinâs, seeking his attention, seekingan answer. His manservant was tense beneath his touch.
It was true, then.
Without thinking, Arthurtightened his grip on Merlinâs shoulder. âHow could you keep something likethis from me?â he spat. âI am your lord,your Prince, and youâve been lying to me this whole time?â
âThatâs exactly it,â Merlinmurmured, and finally, his eyes rose up to meet Arthurâs. Arthur was swept upin waves of deep blue, full of fear and bitterness and grief. âYouâre thePrince, Arthur. How could I tell you?â He shrugged Arthurâs hand away. âHowcould I tell you, knowing who your father is? Knowing what he would do if hefound out?â
It hit like a cold daggerdriving deep into his heart. Merlin was right to be fearful. If the King foundout, what he would do⊠Arthur didnât like to think about it. About what wouldhappen, or about what already had.
Arthur took a step back. Hiseyes fell to the floor.
âIâŠâ He stopped, unsure whathe wanted to say. âI knowâŠwhat my father would do. What the King would do.But Merlin⊠Iâm not him. I donât know what I feel right now, I donât knowwhat I would do, but⊠Youâve never tried to hurt me, and it would have beenfar easier to carry out whatever evil plot my father might suspect of youearlier rather than later⊠I donât believe that you can persecute someonesimply for being something. IâŠâ
Arthur fell silent. âIjustâŠwish you could have trusted me.â
[[REVISED]]
The faint creaking of hinges drew Arthurâs attention to the door. He turned to look, and there was Merlin.
âAh, Merlin,â Arthur chirruped. His voice was quiet and a little hoarse, but no less cheerful for it. âCome to feedme breakfast, have you?â
âWell, sire, that might be alittle strange, considering itâs nearly time for dinner.â Merlin didnât turn around, but Arthur could hear his smirk.
He pouted. âThat wonât do. Iâve just woken up, and now I want breakfast, and you, Merlin, are my manservant, so itâs your job to give me what I want.â
âI would disagree with you,âMerlin sighed, âbut it wouldnât to me any good, would it?â
Arthur grinned, guileless. âNone at all.â
Merlin shook his head, but he was smiling. âOne breakfast in bed, coming up.â
Merlin started for the door. But something inArthur protested, writhing and swelling in his stomach. His throat closed over a strangled yelp. Donât go.
But Arthur just layin bed, silent, and watched his manservant cross the room. Time seemed to slow as he watched. Something in the way Merlin movedâthe certainty weighing down his steps, the grace draped down his spine, the relief softening his shoulders, the pride lifting his eyes from the ground. It was familiar in a way Arthur couldnât quite⊠But it had been different, he had been different, still standing tall and sure, but rather than proud and relieved heâd been alert and afraid. He was ablurred figure standing in the sun, hand outstretched, eyes flashing gold as hefaced a gruesomeâ
âeyes flashing gold. Eyes flashing gold as hiscool hand rested on Arthurâs chest, an inexplicable orb of light hoveringbehind him, hand cloaked in a warm, wet mist, and thenâthen the sparkling, wriggling thing entering Arthurâs wound, spreading its spindled fingers through his veins, pulling all his muscles taut and then releasing them in one huge, impossible breath, filling him with sunlight and then carrying him into the warm womb of the darkâ
âMerlin!â
Merlin turned, and Arthurjust stared, mouth open. Now, looking Merlin straight in the eye, he saw it even clearer than before: it was as though Merlinâs eyeswere still undergoing that strange alchemic reaction, transmuted from the innocuous, refracting blue of smooth water on a clear day into the unsullied gold of a dragonâs hoard shining bright beneath the light of its fiery breath. It was as though his hand were still stretching toward Arthur, glowing with aninexplicable light; it was as though he were really, truly usingâŠ
âMagic?â
The word struck silence and dropped dead. Merlinâs expression hadnât changed, but there wassomething in his eyes, something cracked open.
âMerlinâŠâ Arthurâs throat rasped with something else now. He cleared it, licked his lips, tried again. âTell me it isnât true.â
Merlin blinked, jawset; his gaze fell somewhere on the bed beside Arthur.
âOf course not, Arthur,â helaughed, clearly trying for lighthearted, but the sound was stiffand false. âDonât be silly.â
Silence reigned for a moment,but Arthur was not a patient man; he struggled to throw the blankets off, and winced as he lifted himself up and onto the floor.
âMerlin.â His voice was low, dangerous. It rumbled in his chest like thunder. âDonât lie to me.â
The weak smile slid from Merlinâsface, but he said nothing. He watched Arthur, the last of his shell falling away. He looked so afraid.
Arthur crossed the room, slow, stalking, like the good hunter his father taught him to be, and laida firm hand on Merlinâs shoulder. âMerlin,â he murmured, and his softening voice betrayed him.
Merlinâs was tense beneath his touch. He didnât say a word.
Rage flaring, Arthurtightened his grip until his knuckles turned white. âHow could you keep something likethis from me?â he spat. âI am your lord,your Prince, and youâve been lying to me this whole time?â
âYes!â Finally, Merlinâs eyes rose to meet Arthurâs. Arthur was swept upin waves of deep blue, in great heaving currents of fear and bitterness and regret, an ocean of grief. âYouâre thePrince, Arthur. How could I tell you?âÂ
Arthurâs hand had gone slack, and Merlin shrugged it away.
âHowcould I tell you this, knowing who your father is? Knowing what he would do if hefound out?â
Arthur watched Merlin swipe angrily at his eyes, the tears that had formed there. His chest felt full enough to burst.
âI wanted to,â Merlin choked. âGod, I⊠So many times, Arthur, so many times, I thought, Heâs my friend! Heâs a good man! I can trust him! And I almost⊠but the truth is,â and he sneered, âthe truth is, you could never bring yourself to defy your father. Youâd do anything to make him proud of you. To make him love you. You refuse to see your own worth independent of your fatherâs approval because he taught you to be blind.â
Merlinâs hands had wound into fists, but they fell open, fell limp; his whole body sagged.
âSo I needed you to be blind to me, too,â Merlin said, âbecause if you saw what I am, what I do to keep you safe⊠if you saw that I have magic, I couldnât predict what you would do.â
Arthur stared. I have magic, he heard, over and over again. I have magic. He stared until his eyes began to sting, whether from shock or from shame or from his unwillingness to close them, to be blind again, he couldnât say.
Finally, eyes watering, Arthur blinked. His gaze fell to the floor.
âIâŠâ He stopped. Started again. âI knowâŠwhat my father would do. What the King would do.But Merlin⊠Iâm not him. And I donât know⊠I donât know what I feel right now, to be honest, but⊠but you are my friend. You are my friend, Merlin, and I am yours. You know me better than⊠and youâve never tried to hurt me, though you could have if you wanted to, more easily than anyone⊠anyone else⊠Christ, Merlin, youâve saved my life. You did it just now, and youâve done it before, who knows how many times, and I couldnât⊠couldnât justâŠâ
Arthur took a long, shaky breath.
âIâm sorry,â he whispered. âI should have been⊠Iâm sorry.â
