Paralysis of the mind
One of the things I struggle with the most in life is a sort of self paralysis. I get so wrapped up in my own thoughts that I end up not doing anything I want to do. It’s a constant problem I’m forever fighting. This blog is the perfect example. It’s something I want to do, I enjoy doing and that helps me feel better mentally. Yet I think I kind of add on expectations to it. All of my hobbies, everything I do in my life, comes with a weird self expectation.
I think it comes with being a naturally gifted kid. I never really had to try for anything from school all the way into uni. I didn’t try particularly hard in university and still got my degree (Though if I’d tried I could have done far better than my final grade.) You go through life getting told you’re gifted and special and because of this, when you grow up and actually have to put effort into things it feels alien and unnatural. It feels wrong.
I don’t know why I haven’t really considered this before but now I’m confronted with it how do I change it? I’ve been conditioned all my life to think that everything should come naturally to me. To the extent that I frequently talk about how lucky I am and brag about anything that comes to me without trying. I’ve been trained to think that natural gifts or anything that comes through luck with minimal effort is the pinnacle of life.
My problem in life is an inherent, ingrained laziness and I’m unsure how to tackle that. I feel overwhelmed thinking about it, like my brain has just been blown wide open. I avoid anything that requires effort, assume all these things should simply come to me of their own accord and then feel miserable because they don’t. I’ve latched onto luck as being the most important factor in my life because that way I don’t need to try. I can just tell myself that everything is down to fate and that’s that.
When I think about it, I avoid anything and everything that doesn’t come easily to me. I don’t remember the last time I put any real work into anything. I convince myself that if I’m not excelling the second I start something then it is useless. I lack the ability to actually work on something.
I need to seriously think on this. This is a revelation I never expected and I feel kind of blindsided by it. I won’t do anything that requires effort and dedication from me. I refuse to apply myself and that’s wrong. Whether it’s to something stupid like an achievement in a videogame or something big like maintaining a friendship, I refuse to apply myself. If it’s something new like learning an intstrument or making a new friend I refuse to even attempt it because in my world it should just be granted to me.
Holy shit, I’m entitled. Time to do some deconstructing of that. I’m going to go do some yoga and meditation then I might swing back here before work. I need to think.
