piano was my whole life from the ages 4-16. it was my entire identity. i woke up at 5 every morning to practice before school, and then several hours after too. i was preparing pieces to apply to julliard already with the help of my teacher, who was a former alumni, but then something traumatic happened to me and i couldn't play anymore without crying. it was too painful to listen to classical music for years, and then only orchestral without piano. i dropped out of high school, i never went to college. finally this last year at 24 ive been able to listen to piano again, but im very poor, unemployed, and could never afford a piano, not even a digital one. i miss it so much. i lost my sense of self when i stopped playing. no one ive met would be able to understand this pain of not playing, and i never tell people about it, but maybe you would understand. whenever i meet a pianist i feel so distraught like, i can't describe. it's so painful.
i understand this feeling so, so deeply. so painfully well. i am so sorry. your story could almost be my story. high-achieving. spent my entire young adult life pouring myself into classical singing. graduated top of my class. was accepted to multiple top conservatories/universities for grad school (mannes school of music, jacob institute of music, san francisco conservatory, boston university school of music). i made it through my graduate program, but then after i graduated the trauma i’d previously experienced caught up with me, and then more piled on. first i couldn’t sing without crying, then i couldn’t sing at all. i went from practicing five hours a day to nothing. from working with conductors from the paris opera, directors from the met, to not being able to sing a simple aria. first bc my throat would close up, then bc i lost the desire completely. i’d never thought that singing could be something that i could lose, that i could want so badly to want again. i had always been my singing and my singing had been me. i had no identity outside of music. i avoided social media bc ofc all my friends from school posted constant #thrilledtoannounce updates. i lost contact with my old professors, people who had cared about me, who had been invested in me. i was (am) drowning in student debt. i moved back home to save money. had to face my family and the questions they had about why i suddenly wasn’t singing anymore. i still haven’t told them about the trauma i went through, so they just don’t understand. my grandmother told me recently, crying, that she just wants to see me sing again, see me “make it” in opera before she dies. my dad still asks me to sing at family events and doesn’t understand why i don’t. i still can’t listen to some music, but i can finally listen to classical music again. i can finally sing again sometimes in my apartment. it’s still something fragile, something close to me that i feel terrified of sharing. i came across a tiktok of an opera singer who just sings for fun, and my heart felt like someone had gripped it and pulled it into my throat. i’ve spent the past few years trying to come to terms with it, with everything. i’m always here to talk if you want. i feel more pain about losing my singing than i do about the trauma that precipitated it. i miss my singing like i miss myself. so, yes, i do. i do understand. i’m so sorry. please know that you’re not alone in this. ♡♡♡
[do not reblog pls]
