Week 31: T Gets Schooled.
The Background:
When I was little, I did not like school. I didn’t get it, all these rules, all this extra work, all these detentions. I went to a very VERY strict catholic school, which embraced the punch card system. The way the punch card system works is as follows…at the beginning of the week everybody started out with a clean slate, and for every violation, you received a punch (think hole punch in a 3x5 card). If you received 3 punches you got a detention, if you received 6 punches then you got 2 detentions, and so forth. If you were given more than 3 detentions in a month you would miss out on an activity (a dance, or ice cream party, or worst-case cedar point (for those of you who don’t know anything about cedar point, it is the only reason that Ohio remains a state in this country)). {1} So, that’s the detention system, ‘but how do you get a punch’ you might ask…well this is where the all caps VERY comes in to qualify how strict Our Lady Queen of Peace was. If you had gum indoors = punch, if you used a pen in math class = punch, if you brought long pants to gym class = punch, if you touched another person in the hall = punch, if you forgot a notebook, ruler, textbook, red pen, blue pen, black pen, then punch, punch, punch, punch, punch, and punch, the list goes on and on, I’m sure you get the point! I once looked at my music teacher the wrong way, and got a punch, needless to say I was in detention a lot (never missed a trip to Cedar Point though so screw you Mr. Jadike). What’s the point of all this? I didn’t like school! I was put in the smart people classes in 7th grade, and none of my friends were there, so I had to spend a whole semester doing terrible so that they would put me back in the classes with my dumb buddies.
High School was no different, I skipped almost everyday…but then came college!
I loved college, the professors were so great, and learning just how much I didn’t know gave me a thirst to learn everything I could, learning became a drug and I was an addict. I wanted to get a degree in every major my school offered (Wayne State University). The longer I was there, the more credit hours I acquired, but also the more debt I acquired, and so I needed to move on. In grad-school (Western Michigan University) I was still head over heels in love with learning, the cost was more, but the classes were even more satisfying, and while I knew I was just as ignorant as ever, it felt good to think I had better insight into the universe of my ignorance. I loved school so much I made it my profession, trying to teach students that with enough education they may realize just how ignorant they are as well.
I have been on the other side of the classroom for a minute now, and so this week, I went back to my origins, back to the desk.
The Class(es):
My first objective was to find a class for a hobby I might like to learn, and so, I did some on-line investigation into what types of classes would be offered at the local hobby stores…low and behold (such a great phrase) I found a stained glass window making class. Who doesn’t want to learn how to make stained glass windows, I was so stoked to get to Hobby Lobby on Sunday at 3, that I barely slept Saturday night. When I finally decided that it was late enough to get out of bed I just sat and watched the clock, until I eventually came to an agreement that hanging out at Hobby Lobby for an hour before class started was not crazy at all, I would check out the glass cutting tools, and look at some instruction manuals, so that when class started I would be ready to shine!
At 2:55 I went into the classroom, and it looked like I was late… “did it start at 2, did I miss my class, did I lose an entire night of sleep for nothing, what the fuck is going on?”
Well, turns out it was a sewing class and they were making table runners for thanksgiving.
The teacher Mrs. Sally asked me if I was lost, mostly because I was a grown bearded man walking around a class for kids learning how to sew. Well, I told Mrs. Sally that “I was here for stained glass” and she let me know that the schedule I had was for last year, and that class isn’t offered any more, but I was more than welcome to stay for the end of her class…knowing full well that I wouldn’t. Well, little did she know, I in fact would stay for the end of her class. I didn’t have my own fabric, but I did learn how to put a cord on the end of a thanksgiving table runner…thank you Mrs. Sally!
So, while Mrs. Sally was the shit, I wasn’t about to use that as my class for this challenge. Back to the drawing board, and nothing appealed to me at Hobby Lobby for the rest of the week, Michaels was only offering Wilton Cake Decorating Classes…fuck that! But Joanne’s was offering face painting and Halloween costume class, yes and yes!
I signed up, and double-checked that it was at the time and place advertised, Wednesday at 6PM. I was there at 5:55, and my teacher Miss Jenny was very welcoming. She had a model who allowed Miss Jenny to show us some face painting techniques, and it was way beyond me…again I am the only person in this class who wasn’t a mom, or a kid. A single bearded man sitting in a crafts class at Joanne’s, Michael’s, or Hobby Lobby is an experience that I hope all of you will one day be able to identify with (whether you’re the bearded single man or the classmate of the bearded single man). I tried to play it cool, I just sat in the back and tried not to touch anyone, but this one little girl Morgan was such a bitch (complaining the entire time, acting like a know it all, and talking shit to Miss Jenny) that I had to slap her right in the face, okay I made that up but I did get back at her a little bit. When it came time for us to make our masks, I hid the string, so she was left with a piece of paper and nothing to attach it to her head with! Morgan…have fun holding your turtle head up to your face all night long you little d-bag. Well that didn’t really work, because she was able to just get string from another table, but it’s the thought that counts, right?
My face mask was a monkey, but I took what Miss Jenny taught us about face paint, and was able to make a monkey sugar skull, this other cool little girl (I forget her name) liked it so much that I let her have it…I also dropped the string I stole from Morgan on the floor so it didn’t look like I stole it from her. The class was great and it inspired me to use what I learned for carving a pumpkin…
The Outcome:
The only problem was that Halloween was on Saturday, and I didn’t get around to buying a pumpkin until Monday. You would think that stores keep pumpkins around even after Halloween, NOPE! So, I had to improvise. I carved a watermelon instead. It looked way better than I ever dreamed, and it was delicious!
Great challenge, great classes, fuck you Morgan!
The Take:
Never name your kid Morgan! (I know there are lots of cool Morgan’s out there…the Morgan from The Walking Dead is da bomb, but this girl is ruining it for all of you) Carving watermelons in lieu of pumpkins is highly recommended! These people who take their time to teach free lessons are spectacular individuals. Riding solo into a hobby class takes great courage. I still want to learn how to make stained glass windows!
{1} Cedar Point roller coaster capital of the world