Soccer players are the horses of men’s sports. They run around in fields for hours on end. They stub their toe and they die. They fall and they die. They run into each other and
masterlist ᯓ★
lo's commentary: hello angels! this is VERY explicit, jude is experiencing many emotions so expect a lot of emotional whiplash. i hope u love it <3
pairing: bf!jude bellingham x reader
summary: after England’s crushing 1-2 semi-final loss to Argentina, a seething and devastated Jude returns to the hotel room filled with raw anger. what begins as furious tears and pacing quickly explodes into desperate, rough, possessive sex as he tries to fuck the frustration out of his system and reclaim control. he only trusts you to see him like this, and remind him exactly who the fuck he is
warnings: 18+ MDNI, explicit smut, rough sex, angry sex, spanking, possessive dirty talk, spitting in mouth, emotional hurt/comfort, angry tears, self-blame, brief argument, mood swings, vulnerable jude, very clingy and guilty aftercare, established relationship
wc: 5k!
Jude took the loss incredibly hard. None of you had the right words for him. He was devastated in a way that went far beyond the scoreline. He couldn’t hold back the tears as much as he would have liked, even though he tried. God, he tried.
It’s not that he was ashamed of showing emotion. Jude was a passionate man. About his sport, about his family, about what he believes in, about you. But breaking down on international television in front of millions, was never something someone actively wanted to do.
“Fuck…fuck!”
You heard him shouting from the pitch, emotions raw, just before he covered his face with both hands and started pacing in tight, frustrated circles. The Argentinians were celebrating wildly right in front of him, cheering, bodies jumping. His jaw was clenched so tight it looked painful, eyes squeezed shut like he was physically willing himself to not explode publicly. Then one of the opposing players said something in Spanish – you couldn’t hear or understand what –and Jude lashed out, slapping the back of the player’s head in a flash of blind frustration.
You and Denise both shot to your feet at the same time. His mum muttered something under her breath that sounded a lot like “for fuck’s sake, Jude,” her hand flying to her mouth as you all watched the brief altercation unfold. Luckily the England lads were quick, pulling him away, keeping him wrapped up and shielded from the cameras as best they could.
He finished his post-match interviews and finally made his way over to the family section. You could tell from the way he kept hiding his face under the brim of his cap that he was pissed off he couldn’t stop the tears. Pissed off he couldn’t stop those late goals. Pissed off he couldn’t score more, contribute more, do whatever it took to push England over the line. He would have sacrificed almost anything tonight to get them to the final.
He hugged his parents first. Denise held him tight, rubbing his back in slow circles, whispering things only a mother could say. Mark gripped him hard, proud even in defeat, murmuring quiet words of reassurance. But their comfort seemed to ricochet off Jude’s body. He was vibrating with anger, with frustration, with a deep, burning disappointment that lived in his chest after every loss with England.
When he finally sat down next to you, his hand automatically latched onto your thigh, gripping like you were the only steady thing left in his world. You watched as his knee bounced restlessly, as he ran his hand over his face again and tugged his cap even lower, trying to disappear under it.
“Jude, hey… hey… look at me,” you said softly.
He turned his head slowly, propping his chin on his fist. The muscles in his jaw ticked hard. He was devastated, that much was clear in his red-rimmed eyes. But underneath it you could see the anger simmering; at himself, at the way it had slipped away again, at the fact that no matter how hard he ran, how much he gave, it still wasn’t enough to cross that final line for England.
You reached out and gently wiped under his eye with your thumb. He turned his head and pressed a soft, grateful kiss to your palm, lingering there for a second like he needed the contact to soothe his very soul. Then his eyes drifted away again, distant and unfocused, staring down at the now-empty pitch where the Argentina celebrations had finally started to die down.
The silence between you stretched, heavy and painful. His hand stayed on your thigh, thumb brushing back and forth absently, like he needed something to anchor him to reality and not let him get lost inside his head.
“Can you come to my room later?” he muttered eventually, voice low and rough, barely above a whisper. “I don’t… I don’t wanna be alone tonight.”
You nodded instantly, heart twisting at how small he sounded. “Yes… yeah, of course, baby. Whatever you need. I’ll be there as soon as I can.”
He let out a shaky breath, shoulders dropping ever so slightly. “Don’t wanna keep crying out here,” he admitted quietly, almost embarrassed. “Not with everyone still watching. Just… need it to be you. Need it to be quiet.”
You squeezed his hand, leaning your head against his shoulder for a moment. “I’ve got you. I promise. As soon as you’re back at the hotel, I’ll come straight to you. We don’t have to talk if you don’t want to.”
Jude turned his head slightly, pressing another soft kiss to the top of your head. His voice was barely audible when he spoke again.
“Thank you. I don’t know what I’d do without you tonight.”
You got to his hotel room just after the sun had set, the sky outside still bleeding orange and pink. He’d texted you very bluntly earlier, the way he got when the pain was still too fresh to soften for anyone, even you.
Consequently, you weren’t expecting him to be in a fantastic mood when you finally knocked on his door. He always came down to the lobby to collect you, no matter how tired he was. Not tonight.
“Who is it?” came his voice, sharp.
You could hear him moving inside, pacing, up and down the room like a caged animal.
“It’s me, bab–”
You hadn’t finished your sentence before the door swung open. He pulled you inside and shut the door behind you before you could even blink. His chest was heaving. The second you were over the threshold he let go of you, stepping back like he needed space but also couldn’t stand being far away from you. There were fresh tear streaks down his face that he was angrily wiping away with the heel of his hand. He was being so hard on himself. It broke your heart all over again.
“Do you think I had a shit game?” he asked bluntly, voice a little cold, eyes burning with more tears.
“What? No, I—”
“Good. Because what more could I have fucking done?” He started pacing again, hands tugging at his hair. “I ran until my legs felt like they were going to snap. I covered every blade of grass. I created chances. I defended when I had to. And it still wasn’t enough.”
You sat on the edge of his bed, watching him, heart aching as the words poured out of him.
“Jude… you gave everything out there. Everyone saw that. I saw that.”
“Yeah?” He stopped pacing for a second, eyes flashing. “Well it wasn’t enough, was it? The second goal was right in the middle of the fucking goal. Right there. We had six defenders on the fucking pitch. Six! I’m not a defender! How did we let that happen? How did I not see it coming? I should’ve been there. Should’ve been closer to the ball. I should’ve done more.”
You tried to keep your voice steady. “You can’t carry the whole team on your back every single—”
“I wasn’t trying to carry the whole team,” he cut in, voice rising. “I was trying to win! And we were winning. We were in control. And then it just… slipped. Again. Like it always fucking does–”
He cut himself off with a bitter laugh, shaking his head. His eyes were glassy again, angry tears threatening to spill over. He wiped them away roughly, like they personally offended him.
“Baby, you’re being too hard on yourself—”
“Don’t,” he snapped, but there was no real anger directed at you, just frustration spilling out of him any way it could. “Don’t tell me I’m being too hard on myself. I know what I saw out there. I know what I felt. We were better than that. I was better than that. I always think I can do more and then it’s the same story. We get so fucking close and then—”
You stood up slowly, reaching for him. “Jude, hey… look at me.”
He shook his head, running a hand over his face, body shaking with the tears he was trying to hold back.
“I’m so fucking tired of this. Tired of getting to the last stages and watching it slip away. Tired of the ‘nearly men’ narrative. Tired of people saying we don’t have the mentality when we just went toe-to-toe with the world champions for ninety minutes. What more do they want from us? From me?”
His voice cracked on the last word. He stopped pacing for a second, chest rising and falling fast, fists clenched at his sides. The room felt too small for all the fury and grief rolling off him.
You reached for him again, and he let you pull him in, but his body stayed rigid, vibrating.
“What can I do to make it better then?” you asked softly, stroking his back. “If you don’t want me to criticise the self-blame, then how can I help?”
“I don’t know!” His voice cracked, frustration and pain mixing together. “You can’t. I’m just– I’m so fucking angry and–and–”
He cut himself off, breathing hard. For a second it looked like he might pull away. His face crumpled, eyebrows knitting together as a choked off sob escaped him.
“Baby…baby it’s okay–”
“It’s not okay. Nothing feels okay,” he sniffled, tucking his head into your neck. You stroked his back, not sure what to do next. He was so fragile but so angry. You’d never seen him like this before.
“I know and I’m so sorry, Jude,” you whispered, kissing the top of his cheek as you held him close. “Tell me how to help you. I’ll do anything to make you feel a little bit better. Just tell me what you need.”
He lifted his head for a second, wet eyes meeting yours. He looked over your face slowly, like he was searching for something, before his gaze lingered on your lips. You wanted to say something else, anything to help pull him out of the spiral, but he was so focused on your mouth that the self-deprecating words had finally stopped pouring out of him.
“Baby?” you breathed softly.
His grip on your waist tightened almost painfully within seconds. He pulled you flush against him, mouth crashing down on yours in a bruising kiss. There was nothing gentle about it. It was desperate, angry, hungry, like he wanted to drown how he was feeling out with how good your lips felt against his.
You gasped into his mouth and he swallowed the sound, walking you backwards until your back hit the wall. One hand slid into your hair, tugging hard enough to tilt your head back as he deepened the kiss, tongue sliding against yours with desperate need.
“I don’t want to fight with you,” he murmured against your lips, voice rough with emotion, almost apologetic even as his body pressed harder against you. “I’m not trying to take it out on you. I just…”
He broke off, breathing hard, forehead pressed to yours. His eyes were still glassy with frustration and leftover tears, but there was something else burning in them now – a desperate, almost feral hunger he only had for you.
“I need you,” he rasped, voice cracking. “I need you to remind me who the fuck I am. Need you to make me feel like me again. Strong. In control. Not this… this version that keeps fucking up.”
His hand slid down to grip your thigh, lifting it around his hip as he ground his hardening bulge against you.
“Want to fuck you so deep you forget every other name but mine,” he murmured, lips brushing your ear, voice dropping into the filthy, dominant tone he only used when he was desperate. “Want you screaming for me. Want to feel you fall apart on my cock so I can remember who I am. The one who takes what he wants. The one who always wins with you.”
He kissed you again, harder this time, biting your bottom lip before soothing it with his tongue.
“Tell me you want this,” he breathed, eyes dark and wild, hips rolling against you in a slow, filthy grind. “Tell me it’s okay to be rough tonight. Tell me you can take it. Because I need to feel like me again, baby. Need to feel like I own something. Like I own you.”
His fingers dug into your thigh, possessive and trembling with the emotions still raging inside him.
“Please,” he whispered, forehead still pressed to yours. “Let me have you like this.”
You hesitated for a second, searching his eyes. You weren’t entirely sure this was the healthiest way for him to process everything he was feeling…the anger, the grief, the powerlessness from the pitch. But this was Jude, and you didn’t think you could ever say no to him when he looked at you like that, desperate and aching and needing to feel something real.
You cupped his cheek, thumb brushing away a stray tear, and nodded.
“I can take it,” you whispered. “I’ll take anything you give me. You know I will.”
Relief and hunger flashed across his face at the same time. He squeezed your thigh again, leaning down to kiss you slightly softer at first, but quickly turning deeper, tongue sliding against yours with need and dominance.
“That’s because you’re my good girl, aren’t you?” he murmured against your lips, his accent thicker with emotion. “My beautiful baby. Always know what I need. Always let me have you exactly how I want.”
He pulled back just enough to look at you. Your eyes were already glazing over, the soft, submissive look he loved so much taking over. It didn’t take much when he spoke to you like that.
“Yeah?” he asked, almost teasing even through the emotions still raging in his chest. “You gonna let me fuck all this frustration out on you, baby? Let me remind myself who the fuck I am?”
You nodded, already a little breathless. “Yes, Jude.”
That was all he needed. In one smooth, powerful movement he spun you around, pressing your front against the wall. Your cheek met the cool surface as he yanked your jeans and panties down your legs in one rough tug, barely giving you time to step out of them. His big hands immediately palmed your ass, squeezing, spreading, smoothing over your hips like he was reclaiming every bit of skin for himself.
“Fuck, look at you,” he groaned, pressing his still-clothed erection against your bare ass from behind, grinding slow and hard. “Perfect arse. So fucking pretty for me. Bet you’re so wet already and I’ve barely touched you.”
You whimpered as his lips attacked your neck, sucking and biting while his hands slid under your t-shirt, pushing it up so he could feel your skin. One hand stayed on your hip, holding you in place, the other moved up to cup your breast.
“Tell me you’re my beautiful girl,” he growled against your ear, voice thick. “Tell me this pussy belongs to me. Tell me you’re mine.”
“I-I’m your beautiful girl, Jude,” you moaned, pushing back against him. “Belong to you… only you.”
He let out a low, satisfied sound and bit down on your shoulder, grinding his cock against you harder.
“Good girl,” he praised, his voice dropping even lower. “Gonna fuck you right here first. Gonna make you take it so deep. I’m the only one, aren’t I? The only one who makes you scream.”
He shoved his own joggers down just enough to free himself, thick and hot, pulsing with the need to be inside of you. You felt the head of his cock drag through your folds, teasing your entrance.
“Tell me again,” he demanded, lips brushing your ear. “Tell me who you belong to while I fuck you against this wall.”
“I’m yours, Jude,” you gasped, pushing back against him. “Only yours.”
He wanted to tease you for longer, but how could he when you were so good and obedient for him? He thrust into you in one smooth, powerful stroke, burying himself deep. His hands stayed on your hips as he watched himself disappear inside you and groaned. The stretch was intense, overwhelming, and you cried out, hands bracing against the wall. Jude moaned as you clenched around him, his forehead dropping to your shoulder as he stayed still for a second, letting you adjust.
“Fuck… always feel so tight,” he moaned lowly. “My pretty girl.”
Then he started moving with deep, rough strokes that pressed you harder into the wall with every thrust. One hand stayed on your hip, gripping tight enough to leave behind red marks, the other slid up to wrap around your throat, a possessive hold that had your eyes rolling back already.
“Say it again,” he growled against your ear, hips snapping forward. “Tell me whose pussy this is.”
“Yours,” you moaned, voice breaking on every deep thrust. “It’s yours, Jude. All yours.”
He groaned, the sound vibrating through his chest as he fucked you harder, deeper, the obscene slap of skin on skin filling the room. His pace was relentless but never cruel. Every thrust was purposeful, like he was trying to fuck the frustration and self doubt out of his system and into you.
“That’s my good girl,” he praised, lips brushing your neck between strokes, his voice loving despite his actions being quite the opposite. “Taking my cock so well. Letting me use you like this. Fuck, I needed this. Needed to feel like I can still make you feel good. Still make you mine.”
You whimpered, pushing back to meet his thrusts, and he rewarded you with a particularly deep, grinding stroke that made your knees buckle.
“Tell me you love it,” he breathed hot against your ear. “Tell me you love when I fuck you like this. When I take what’s mine.”
“I love it,” you gasped, cheek pressed to the cool wall. “Love when you fuck me like this, Jude. Love being yours.”
He let out a long moan and wrapped a strong arm around your waist, pulling you back against him so he could thrust even deeper. His free hand slid between your legs, fingers finding your clit and rubbing slow, gentle circles.
The difference between his relentless thrusts, but slow and gentle hands made your vision start to cloud white with stars already. “J-Jude I’m gonna come–”
“No you’re not, baby,” he rasped, slowing his hips enough to tease you. “Not until I tell you to. Hold it for me. Good girl… fuck, you squeeze me so tight when you get close. You’re so fucking wet for me.”
“Please–” you whimpered, thighs trembling.
“Nuh-uh. Not allowed until I get to come with you,” he murmured, sucking on your neck. “You’re gonna hold it for me, aren’t you, angel?”
You nodded frantically, trying desperately to hold off your climax by squeezing your eyes shut. He gave you a small mercy, pulling his fingers away from between your legs and bringing them up to your lips instead.
“Open, baby. Taste yourself for me.”
You obeyed instantly, parting your lips and sucking his fingers into your mouth, moaning around them as his hips sped back up to the punishing pace. The taste of yourself on his skin only made everything feel more intense.
“Fuckin’ hell… just like that, baby,” he moaned, tilting his head to watch your pretty lips envelope his fingers. “Look at you. Sucking my fingers while I fuck you against the wall. My perfect girl.”
The sounds he was making, the low and desperate groans and breathy curses, were not making it any easier to hold back. You whimpered, opening your eyes to give him a pleading look. He exhaled through his nose as he bit his lip, eyes rolling back slightly, the look on your face nearly sending him hurtling towards his own orgasm. He suddenly pulled out, spinning you around to face him. Before you could protest, he kissed you hard, tongue sliding against yours as he lifted you up, pressing your back to the wall again.
“My beautiful girl is gonna make me come too quick,” he murmured against your lips, a dark chuckle vibrating through him. “Especially if you keep looking at me like that. We’re gonna change position so I can hold it a little longer. Yeah, angel?”
He spoke to you slowly like you were stupid, and you were, you suppose considering he’d just fucked you dumb against the wall. Normally you’d fight back, push against the power play because he loved when you were bratty, but that wasn’t what he needed tonight. He wanted complete submission, and you’d give him anything he wanted.
“P-please,” you whined, chasing his mouth when he pulled back slightly, hands clutching at his biceps. “Need you back inside me, Jude…”
“Oh, my needy little baby,” he smirked wickedly, nuzzling his nose against yours, eyes still burning with a mix of frustration and hunger. His hand smoothed up your arm, and wrapped loosely around your throat.
“Open your mouth for me,” he whispered. You parted your lips straight away at his command, tongue out, eyes locked on his. His gaze darkened, pupils blown wide as he looked at you, waiting for him. He leaned in closer, hovering above you, and let a slow, thick string of spit fall from his mouth onto your waiting tongue. You moaned softly as it landed and swallowed it down without hesitation, eyes never leaving his.
Jude groaned deeply as his thumb stroked up and down your throat, feeling you swallow.
“Fuck… that’s my good girl,” he praised, voice hoarse. “Swallowing for me so pretty. You’d take anything I give you, wouldn’t you?”
You nodded, lips still parted, breathing a little faster.
“I want all your clothes off. Get on all fours on the bed. Now.”
You nodded again, still too drunk on submission to speak, stripping off your T-shirt and bra as fast as you could. Jude kicked his joggers and boxers off, throwing his own T-shirt across the room. He was leaking as he stroked himself slowly, watching you climb onto the bed.
“You’re so fucking beautiful,” he murmured, his voice softer than it was before. “Can’t believe you’re all mine sometimes. Look at you… arching that pretty back for me already.”
The second you were on all fours, you automatically arched deeper for him, presenting yourself. Jude climbed onto the bed behind you, leaning down to press hot, open-mouthed kisses down your spine. His big hands settled on your hips, squeezing gently as he lined himself up. You were trembling with need now, feeling cold and empty without him inside you.
“Such a good girl,” he praised, dragging the thick head of his cock through your soaked, oversensitive heat again. “You love when I use you, don’t you?”
“Yes,” you whimpered, pushing back against him desperately.
He didn’t make you wait this time. In one powerful thrust he buried himself to the hilt, stretching you open again so suddenly you cried out louder than before. Jude moaned loudly, the sound almost animalistic as he bottomed out.
“Fuck– so tight. So fucking good,” he growled, pulling back almost all the way before slamming back in. His pace was brutal from the start – deep, hard thrusts that rocked your entire body forward with every snap of his hips. The sound of the headboard hitting the wall echoed through the room.
He reached forward, fisting your hair and pulling your head back to arch your back more.
“Scream my name, baby,” he demanded. “Want to hear you. Want the whole fucking hotel to know who’s fucking you this good.”
“Jude– oh my god, Jude!” you cried out as he hit the specific spot inside you over and over. He knew your body better than you did. You could’ve sworn you could feel him in your stomach.
“That’s it. Louder. Let me hear how much you love my cock,” he groaned, one hand coming down hard on your ass with a sharp smack. The sting made you clench around him, and he moaned loudly. “Fuck yes. Again.”
He spanked you again, harder this time, the sound echoing as he kept pounding into you relentlessly.
“You’re mine,” he growled, voice breaking with pleasure. “Say it. Tell me who this pussy belongs to again while I fuck you stupid.”
“It’s yours!” you sobbed, tears of overwhelming pleasure spilling down your cheeks. “It’s yours, Jude– only yours– fuck!”
He let out a wrecked moan and leaned over you, chest pressed to your back as he fucked you even deeper, one arm wrapped around your waist to hold you in place while his other hand reached down to rub your clit again in tight, fast circles.
“Come for me,” he ordered, rough and desperate. “Come on my cock like the good little slut you are for me. Let me feel you. Scream my fucking name when you do.”
You shattered hard, screaming his name as your orgasm crashed through you, walls clenching violently around him. Jude fucked you through it, hips never stopping, groaning loudly as your climax milked him.
“Fuck– that’s my girl. So good. So fucking good for me,” he panted, voice breaking with pleasure. “Gonna fill you up. Gonna come so deep inside you. You’re gonna take every drop, yeah?”
“Yes– please, Jude– please come inside me,” you begged weakly, still shaking from your orgasm.
With a final, deep thrust and a loud, broken moan of your name, Jude came hard, burying himself as deep as possible as he spilled inside you, hips stuttering with the force of it. He kept grinding through it, like he couldn’t bear to stop, whispering filthy praise against your ear the whole time.
When he finally stilled, he stayed buried deep inside you, chest heaving against your back, arms wrapped tightly around you as he pressed soft, reverent kisses along your shoulder.
“God… I fucking love you,” he whispered, his voice shaky.
“I love you too baby,” you manage to get out, body feeling limp and hazy with the come down.
The switch happened so quickly you could barely keep up. The anger drained out of him at once, probably with his orgasm, you’d tease him later when you spoke about it. All Jude felt when he heard your soft voice was exhaustion and a sudden wave of nauseating worry. He carefully pulled out, a soft hiss escaping both of you, and immediately turned you around in his arms so you were facing him. His hands were gentle now, too gentle, as he cupped your face, thumbs brushing your cheeks.
“Did I hurt you?” he asked, voice cracking. His eyes were wide, searching your face desperately. He was so expressive with his face, eyebrows furrowing in the sweetest way. “Baby, tell me the truth. Was I too rough? I didn’t mean to– fuck, I was so angry and I just… I needed you so bad.”
You shook your head, still catching your breath, but he was already looking you over, hands sliding down your body with careful tenderness. He turned you slightly, eyes scanning your hips, your ass, the places he’d gripped hard.
“Shit… there’s marks,” he whispered, sounding devastated as his fingers traced the faint red imprints of his hands on your hips and the light handprint on your ass. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to be that rough. This time it wasn’t just…it wasn’t just dominance or playing. I was actually angry and I took it out on you and I–”
“Jude,” you said softly, cupping his face to stop his spiral. He looked up and met your eyes, bottom lip between his teeth with worry. “I’m okay. I wanted it. I wanted you. You didn’t hurt me. You’ve been more rough before, you’ve left marks on me before. Don’t worry. You’re okay…I'm okay..”
He still looked torn, eyes glassy again but this time with guilt instead of rage. He pulled you into his chest, wrapping his arms around you so tightly it was almost crushing, burying his face in your neck like he could hide from what he’d just done.
“I know I’ve been rough with you before,” he mumbled against your skin, his voice shaking. “But that’s always been… playing. Power play and acting and shit. This time it was real. I was actually angry and frustrated and I took it out on your body and I– fuck, I’m scared I hurt you because I couldn’t control it. I never want you to feel like you have to take my bad days. I’d never hurt you just because I’m upset or angry. You’re the one person who makes everything better and I just used you like that and I feel sick about it.”
You stroked his back slowly, pressing soft kisses to his temple and the side of his head.
“Jude, listen to me,” you whispered. “I wanted it. I wanted all of you – the anger, the need, everything. You didn’t use me. You let me be there for you in any way I could. And I’m okay. I promise. You know I like it when you act like that.”
He made a small, upset sound and held you even tighter, legs tangling with yours as he pulled you fully on top of him. His hands roamed gently over your body now, soothingly checking every place he’d been rough, pressing soft kisses wherever his fingers found faint marks.
“I’m sorry,” he kept whispering between kisses. “I’m so sorry, baby. I love you. I love you so much. You’re everything to me.”
You kept holding him, fingers running through his hair, letting him cling to you until the guilt slowly started to ease and he could finally breathe again. He eventually settled with his face buried back in your neck, breathing you in like you were oxygen, one hand still gently rubbing your hip where he’d gripped you earlier.
“Stay like this,” he murmured. “Don’t let go. Please.”
“I’m not going anywhere,” you promised, pressing a kiss to his temple. “I love you, you’re okay Jude.”
He let out a long, shaky breath, finally relaxing completely in your arms. "I love you more," he whispered, voice slurring with sleep. "M'sorry baby..."
He was still feeling bad about how rough he was. In reality, you think it could've been the best sex you'd ever had. You were going to tell him that, but the change in his breathing told you he'd already fallen asleep. You press one last gentle kiss to his forehead, "there's nothing to be sorry for, my love."
tags: @chabelitalace @thesizzler @hvnsinureyes @harryskissies (let me know if u want to be added/removed from the taglist)
guys this was filthy af i'm sorry HAHAHAHA apparently he makes me feral idk
— summary : distance and silence settle between you and your boyfriend, and it seems you're the only one affected.
— warnings : angst no resolution, asshole jude, drifting apart, arguing & yelling, vague mention of cheating, pet names.
— word count : 1.5k.
— nour's radio : my first ever post on tumblr im scared af. english isn't my first language so you know the drill (if there are any grammatical errors please point them out lol). enjoy x.
It wasn't always like this at first. He used to dread leaving in the mornings to go to training, blow up your phone with sweet i love you's and pictures of his day whenever he caught whiff of your perfume lingering on his clothes, buy you your favourite dessert on his way home and welcoming you with kisses as you stepped into the apartment after a long day of studying. You'd then make dinner together and spend the rest of the night cuddling on your sofa, sharing kisses between bites. Back then, you'd never doubted where his heart was.
Silence doesn't give you a warning; it creeps up on you when you're most comfortable, slithering between the tiny cracks that have started forming, and shrouds you in uncertainty, where love used to live. It fills you with contempt, poisons every single one of your interactions and leaves you scornful in the face of your boyfriend's dismissiveness.
It started with an unread message, then, an unanswered call, which then led to you coming home to an empty house with your boyfriend and your daily delicacy nowhere in sight. When he opened the front door a couple of hours later, empty handed, he mumbled something about the coach keeping the team after hours and went straight to bed.
It only got worse after that. You'd consider yourself lucky if he even came back before midnight (you always went to bed at eleven and a half), and even luckier if he picked up one of your phone calls once a week. He even stopped inviting you to his games— not that you didn't have a seat always available for you— but he stopped expressing wanting you there, watching his every move from the heights of the v.i.p. suit. And then to add insult to injury, whether his team won or lost, he'd make a detour by the club or by one of his teammates' house before dragging his feet back home.
Waiting, waiting and waiting. It seemed all you did these days was wait. It was another match-day and you couldn't bring yourself to get ready and play the perfect girlfriend of the golden boy under the scrutinizing gaze of the cameras after he flat-out dodged your kisses and went out the door without looking back.
You were sat at the kitchen island, watching as the minutes slipped by and you didn't hear the familiar sound of him turning his keys in the lock and pushing the door open. After a while, you accepted your faith and slid down from the stool and went to grab your phone from the coffee table when he finally deigned to show his face.
He avoided your gaze as he closed the door behind him and started taking off his shoes. You kept your gaze strained on him, heaving a sigh and crossing your arms over your chest. The seconds passing by without him acknowledging your presence felt like hours and only worsened the anxious feeling in your gut. You took a deep breath, and only then did he deign to look at you.
"Hi, baby," he muttered, closing the distance between you two and pressing a quick kiss to your cheek, his hand landing on your waist. His barely-there touch felt foreign, almost made you recoil in disgust. You stayed in place as he moved towards the fridge and looked inside, closing it with a defeated sigh when he didn't find what he was looking for. "Did you like my goal? I dedicated it to you."
That made your heart flutter for a second before it ignited a flame of anger in your chest. He dared dedicate a goal to you and act like the perfect boyfriend in front of the camera lenses, all while actively ignoring you and treating you like an afterthought? "I didn't watch the game actually."
"Why not?" Your bitter tone was not lost on him and he mentally prepared for what was to come.
"Why not? Are you kidding me?" You chuckled in disbelief, your hands coming up to rub your temples, trying to soothe the upcoming headache that he was causing. "Do you get off on torturing me, Jude?"
He rolled his eyes. "I don't know what you're talking about."
"I'm talking about you ignoring me for god knows how long! Seriously when's the last time you talked to me, or kissed me, or even looked at me? I wake up; you're already gone! I go to sleep, and you're still nowhere to be found!"
"I'm an athlete; I'm busy," the brunette scoffed, leaning against the countertop. "And I literally kissed you two minutes ago."
"You were never that busy before!"
"Yeah, well, I am now! Jesus, you're so clingy."
You choked on a laugh. "Clingy? I'm clingy?"
"Yes, you are! All of my friends go out every night and don't spend every second with their girlfriends, and guess what? They don't care! Why can't you be like them?"
"Do you wanna go out and drink yourself to death with your mates, Jude? Be my guest! Just do me a favour, leave and don't fucking come back," you glared at him, both of you on opposite sides of the kitchen counter.
A few seconds slipped by. He shook his head in disbelief, a scoff leaving his throat as he realised you weren't going to retract your statement.
"You're crazy. You do realise I could have anyone I ever want, yeah? Girls— Literal models are lining up to have a chat with me, and here I am, stuck with you arguing about nonsense!" He said, walking away and grabbing the TV remote. "Let's forget about all this, please? You know I hate fighting with you."
Baffled, you stayed rooted behind the counter as he switched the channel to some football match, like nothing ever happened.
This was the final nail in the coffin. You could've looked past his behaviour if he had been understanding and a little bit apologetic, but his display of arrogance and dismissiveness hit a little close to home. You always had this fear of him being able to get whoever he wanted whenever he wanted at the back of your mind since you've started seeing each other. You knew what they said about footballers, only you thought he'd be the exception. You thought you'd be spared the humiliation and heartbreak. And you were deadly wrong.
The only thought on your mind now was to get away from him. He wasn't going to leave, and the bedroom wasn't far away enough from him for you. So you took your coat, keys and phone in hand, and walked out the door without sparing him a glance.
