The courage to break patterns: 6 steps
Ever find yourself in a “deja vu” kind of conversation with someone - and leaving with a feeling that nothing has changed?
Sometimes conversations revolve around a topic that keeps repeating itself. Maybe it’s involves a friend complaining about the same person - over and over again. Maybe it’s a parent giving you “advice” to eat more salad, or less gluten - every time you see them. How about a partner who decides s/he couldn’t “do anything about it”. I personally have a tendency to give in to the “urgency” to call my mother at 9h30 every morning…
It feels like most of the time we are on playback, rewind, playback.
Another way to read into this is perfectly described in the book by Gillian Flynn “Gone Girl”: “If we are betrayed, we know the words to say; when a loved one dies, we know the words to say. If we want to play the stud or the smart-ass or the fool, we know the words to say. We are all working from the same dog-eared script. It’s a very difficult era in which to be a person, just a real actual person instead of a collection of personality traits selected from an endless automat of characters.”
We forget to get in touch with what is real. Everything goes back to patterns and habits and we get caught in the same cycles of actions, conversations, routines, etc.
What can we do about this? What’s our role? How can we break the patterns?
1_ What is the situation?
First it’s important to realise the “WHAT”. What is repeating itself?
What am I doing over and over again? Is it a way of talking? Is it a way of thinking about a problem? Is it an attitude with a specific person? Is it a “broken-record” kind of request I keep making to someone? Is it holding onto something that I need to let go of? …
A movie reference for this would be “Groundhog Day”, with Bill Murray and Andie McDowell. The one where he wakes up at the same time, sees the same people, has the same conversations, eats the same things - and takes a few days to realise that the same things happen over and over again.
2_ Feed the fire or dis-engage?
What am I responsible for in this pattern of behaviour? Am I feeding the fire? Or am I just watching things and not engaging enough to make a change?
So when your colleague complains about the boss, do you encourage her to keep talking (ex. trigger her to talk about it) or do you sit and listen and just let her talk? In the latter situation, your role is actually perpetuating her negativity/bad mouthing.
3_ What is really happening?
What am I getting caught into doing? What is hooking me? This is the “WHY” bit. Be curious about what is leading you to keep up your pattern of behaviour. Why do I do what I do? Why do I always bite my nails? Why do I raise my hand first? Why do I get nervous on Monday morning? Etc…
What is really happening? Do I want to be accepted? Do I want to be seen? Heard? Included? Do I feel shame? Am I afraid of loosing?
Each pattern has a reason. Maybe we were told to “eat our cereal” in the morning, and we didn’t question the order, and now it became a habit…
4_ Gain or loss?
When we get a little clarity about the intrinsic reasons for why we do what we do, we can finally look at it and honestly see whether we are gaining or loosing. For example, if every time you meet your patronising client, and s/he is always forcefully complaining and blaming others - and your reaction is to keep quiet - what could you gain/loose in this situation? Boundaries? (Self) Respect? Assertiveness? Clear communication?
5_ Decide to stop
The decision to break patterns of actions/thoughts/etc, is in your hands. The difficulty is that we are creatures of habit and have literally “practiced” those actions/thoughts/etc, consciously or unconsciously, many times over. Habits are very hard to break - we all have something we have a hard time stopping.
See, if I reduce my TV time (especially Netflix!) - I could get a little more sleep. If I get a little more sleep, I’ll be in a better mood. If I’m in a better mood, I can be a more energetic parent. If I’m a more energetic parent, I could do more things with my kids… etc.. etc…
Technically, people don’t “stop” anything, until the actions/thoughts/etc, that affect them - become problematic. Also explained as whatever it is you are doing, isn’t helpful anymore, doesn’t work well anymore, and THEN we decide we want to change (or try to).
But I wonder… couldn’t we stop a little more often to look at the situation, and anticipate that some of our actions aren’t beneficial in the long-run. Why not stop now?
6_ Patience over time
So here’s the secret…
You won’t manage to break a pattern unless you (a) get conscious that there is a pattern/habit to break, and (b) start a new one - to “rewire” yourself!
Yes, replace it with something else. Something more positive and beneficial for yourself. A new habit that will make you come alive and break away from the “inner monotony” you may feel.
And of course, you must practice this new habit. Be patient and be kind to yourself. Start, and if you stray from it, just say “ok, I can get back to it today”. Day after day.
Grow courage, and break patterns.
Karen.