Was That Your Helpster, or Are You A Nosy Bitch?
In the domain of personal and professional development, “coaching” is a popular profession. You have life coaches, executive coaches, business coaches, career coaches, performance coaches, and so on. However, no matter what their speciality is, in general, these people are there to help others expand their point of view, make a specific change or decision in their lives, and reach certain objectives established from the start.
Life can be hard at times, and coaches are (usually) kind people who have empathy for those they work with, and who do their best to help their clients take on the hurdles in life (e.g. obstacles, difficulties, problems, lowered motivation, relationship issues, loss and separation, job search, etc). They are experts in listening to others, have good intentions to help, and they do their very best to support people in overcoming suffering.
Suffering is something that everyone feels at some point in their lives. We suffer in relationships, or when we are very much out of balance, we may suffer when we are overwhelmed, we suffer through loss, death, pain, loneliness, deception, depression, betrayal, … , and we suffer with our own thoughts and emotions.
There are many reasons for our human suffering, and coaches, therapists, counsellors and other friendly advisors are driven to help those in need to find a better way to traverse the suffering.
At the beginning of one’s coaching career, when we have graduated from coaching programs and started acquiring a little experience, we have a lot of motivation to help. In fact, some of us want to help no matter what (although it’s not conscious at that point). We’ve got wonderful intentions and tools, we put on our new coaching-tinted-glasses-with-the-power-to-see-hear-and-feel-everything-you-are-or-are-not-saying, and we get sent out to the world thinking “woohoo!! I’m going to go out there and help everyone be better, feel better, get better…”.
Beginnings are tricky because we have an enormous Helpster (“Helping Monster”) inside, who loves to creep out at an opportunity to help someone. You see someone sad, bring on the Helpster. You see someone lost, let me show you my Helpster. A friend is brokenhearted, Helpster knows just what to say. In fact, the Helpster is always there, in the bag, ready to jump out.
What we don’t realise is that if we can’t put a leash on that monster, we will loose clients and worse - hurt people in the process. Actually, many other people who aren’t “helping professionals” also have “Helping Monsters” that are probably better on a leash (or locked up, really)…
There’s a series I’ve started watching on Netflix called “Ray Donovan”, and last night there was a scene in the third or fourth episode that took me by surprise. Or rather, I ended up feeling somewhat insulted.
The main character’s wife, Abby Donovan, had just ended a yoga session and was sitting out on a terrace drinking a cup of coffee when a pretty brunette shows up, introduces herself, declares she’s from the same yoga class, and asks whether she could sit down with her. The woman, rubbing her pregnant belly says to a defeated-looking Abby, “I’ve seen you in Jeremiah’s class and I noticed you were crying… it’s ok, you can talk to me, I’m a life coach”… then in the same minute she inquires about Abby’s children, her marriage, whether her husband is nice… to which Abby replies “he didn’t even wave goodbye this morning”.
At that point, I’m totally cringing. I’m wondering whether Abby is going to keep answering...?
Still on the marital subject, the brunette says something like, “that must be very hard for you…” and THAT’s when Abby says to her “F*%# you, you nosy bitch!”, then she gets up and leaves the life coach at the table. Now that’s feedback! Amen!
The fact that a life coach was portrayed in this manner - the stereotype and the extremely bad inquiry, drove me nuts. How could she? How could she sit with someone she doesn’t know, do a Spanish inquisition of her life in one minute, and want to help her just because she saw her crying? Abby didn’t even ask for help!
“We see in others that which we hide from ourselves” - Anonymous.
When I started coaching years ago, I also put on my “coaching-tinted-glasses-with-the-power-to-see-hear-and-feel-everything-you-are-or-are-not-saying”. I truly believed I had what it took to be a fantastic coach, that I had the brains, that I had the tools, that I was understanding enough, and that my urgent need to help was enough to help people change their lives… “for their good” of course.
It turned out that in those days my questions weren’t great, the timings weren’t right, the relationships weren’t strong, the objectives weren’t always clear, and the three clients I started with fizzled out of touch (hello feedback!). Why? Because I let my Helpster get the best of me, and wanting to “impress” my clients with my knowledge of the situation (instead of just being there) probably had the same effect as the nosy bitch above. It was too much too soon.
The cocktail ingredients that ruin relationships and true opportunities to help includes a mix of unleashing the Helpster and the Nosy Bitch.
What I learned from my experience is that we (anyone who is listening and/or helping) must always work with what they call in French - ‘curiosité bienveillante’ - or ‘kind curiosity’. When we are curious with kindness, we ask different questions - those which help open up possibilities so the person can see and decide for themselves what they need to do. There’s a huge difference between being curious for your own interests and being curious and kind in the interest of those you are listening to.
There’s a difference between thinking you know what is best for someone, versus accepting that people are mysterious and only they can know what is best for them. The way we speak to people counts. The way we use language is important. The way we introduce our questions or suggestions are only successful when they are said at the right time.
In the end, we are all helpers. Everyone will give or receive help at some point in their lives - whether it is a baby needing it’s mother for nourishment, a wife needing a husband’s support, a friend needing a shoulder to lean on, a student needing help from a teacher, … Of many things, it takes both kindness and attention in order to help others - and it takes both courage and humility to ask for help, without which one will encounter difficulties in moving forward through life.
“Every transformation has at its heart the need to ask for the right kind of generosity.” - David Whyte - in ‘Consolations’
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