Hello, readers. It's good to see that you have found our brand new news blog. We have only recently been given permission to utilize internet resources to spread the events of our lovely little town. Thank you to our mayor, Kelly Martin, for granting us our hopes and dreams.
For readers who have never read our papers, allow me to introduce myself and my co-writers. My name is Allen. Everyone's favorite writer, Steve, has just re-emerged from the depths of whatever place he disappeared to. Welcome back, Steve! Our dear poet, Luce, wrote a song for the mayor. Michael helped with the instrumental arrangement of this song of peace. Ele, you know, the doctor not the lawyer, recently assisted on Daniel's newest comic. We don't know when the comic can or will be published, but we hope it comes soon.
We have a few newcomers! A new security guard, named Ace, has just been hired. Along with him is Phoenix, his older sibling. What a wonderful addition to our little family of reporters.
Now, on to the real news.
Of course, I was put on duty for the first online report, printing and distributing newspapers. Ugh. Oh well.
Does anybody remember those trouble making twins we as a town had to hide from for four months of this year before they were restrained and taken to the jailhouse? It seems they have finally managed to escape. Be on the lookout for them, and if you see something suspicious, simply sigh and scream into the nothingness of the sky. The police don't have time to pick up phones.
In other news, our mayor has released an invitation to a party. Grandfather Max has just passed away. The event will be held at six o'clock tomorrow morning and will last for six days, which is when Grandfather Max's spirit is predicted to leave his body and join our community forever.
I found a clover yesterday. I sent a picture of it to Steve, who posted it on Instagram. I believe it is our new profile photos. Daniel drew a short comic based off of it. Poor clover. It shriveled up and turned to dust after I took the picture. I cried a little. Godspeed, little friend.
Michael just came in. He was screeching about the new song from our local band. They can't seem to figure out a name for themselves. I laughed at him. He's now yelling at me to stop writing all of this down. As I write it I tell him "No. It's our job to write down events that passed through the week and that are passing as the day rolls on." He sighs and now he's leaving me to continue my work.
I am going on a break now. I will let you know what happened during that time if I return. I encourage you to take this time to listen to some music, sleep, eat something marginally less poisonous than your last meal and drink some water, or read a real book if you can. I will return when you finish these tasks and when I am finished with my own.
Oh. My. Steve. During my break, I received a letter from the mayor! I will write it down word for word so you may make an attempt to share my excitement!
"Dear Allen (and co-workers I guess),
In the next few weeks there will come someone from outside our community. I know this is a strange request but I would like you to make them comfortable in their new environment. Maybe take them to Jo's Choice Candies and Sodas, or the Food Court Theater. After you read this letter burn it so no one else knows about it.
Oh. I see now that I probably should not have written an exact copy of the letter. Oh well! What's done cannot be undone. At least, for now.
Steve has been acting strange ever since we hired Ace and Phoenix. I'm sure it's because of how distractingly handsome Ace is. Steve has some sort of fear or intimidation kink or something, because he dated the twins because not only are they beautiful, but they are also terrifying. Ace has (obviously) not noticed any changes in Steve's behavior. I guess he doesn't care enough about Steve to see how infatuated he is. Seriously. Those is either my level of obliviousness, or he's just going to extreme measures to ignore our fawning author. And it's a shame. Steve seems to be in genuine, real, blood-bursting love with Ace. Sorry Steve. I hope he doesn't read this.
Michael is still going on and on about the band. Now he's just following Phoenix around and talking nonstop about the group of musicians. They don't she doesn't seem to mind.
Oh. It seems Steve has made a new friend. He brought it in just a few seconds ago. A little black kitten no older than a few weeks. Where her mother? I asked Steve where her mother is, but he just shrugged. Oh those beautiful eyes. Are they green or blue? How strange and a wonderful this little one is! Welcome, kitten! Welcome!
We go now to our weather section!
Today is rainy, like any other day here. The clouds a pleasant lavender-gray, and the rain is cold and wet as ever.
This concludes our weather section.
My oh my oh my. Readers, we have a special guest here in my little office. Steve plopped her right in front of me, telling me to take care of her, then left to do ehatever it is he does on his breaks. Hello little baby girl! I will let her write something for you now, reader!
Aaaaaaaaaaaasssssssssasasawwwwwwwqwqwq1waaqqsawsaqaswwaaghhhtjdhhthdhrhrhrtht
Aww! How sweet! She says she likes it in here! Steve, go away. You can't have her back. She's mine now.
Steve took her. It's probably for the best that she goes with her new father, as I have no experience with small children of any kind. I don't like children. I thought I made myself clear!
Luce is standing behind me and asking me how I solved those paradoxes last week. They just wouldn't understand if I told them. Human brains are very fragile and I would not want to figuratively break their skull with information they cannot handle. Ace understands. There are some people who have an understanding for these things. Most of them are not human. Some of them are, but the rest of the world brushes them off as crazy.
Oh. Another letter from the mayor. I will not write this one down, but I will briefly summarize what is said here. She wants me to start printing the newspapers now. It's almost delivery time. Alright.
It is with this letter, which was not recorded or typed on my computer, that I bid all readers farewell. Good night. Good morning. Good evening. Good afternoon. Whenever, wherever it is that you read this, let it be good. And if you are in a place where good and synonyms are antonyms for its English Dictionary definition, then replace all "goods" with your personal preference that means what makes sense to you.
Farewell, readers and those who somehow hear a voice with these words.
