Eight Of Us

We eight are the writers of the Weekly News of Lodi, bringing you, our readers, the joys of our perfect, beautiful costal town through mostly unedited commentary as the day goes on. There is another Lodi. That is not our town. You won't find us on a map, only our copy-cat city. The other Lodi, with the news deemed normal enough for the world. If you wish to find the our real location, simply go to sleep and dream of us. You'll find us. And now, on to the news.

[thorffour-deactivated20190920]

so many white people don’t get this

[weeklynewsoflodi]

A New Year

The newcomer could not be interviewed as promised, as he has passed out from fear of what Allen has done. He will be interviewed next week.

Our current body count for Allen's is twenty-three. Most of the bodies have been consumed and will remain unidentified until he shits them out.

I witnessed one of the deaths. A girl of around 16 years of age. His blades cut her ankles and his teeth sunk into her throat. It's not the worst thing I've seen him do, but the ankles were cut deep and reminded me of the things he's done before. We can't blame him since his... Incident.

Ace, Out

[weeklynewsoflodi]

And He Arrives

The newcomer has arrived! Allen brought him to the building today. He will be interviewed after he rests for a little while.

Mayor Kelly Martin has just released the announcement that being outside is no longer safe. Allen has begun his shift into whatever he is now. Please remain inside, preferably in a basement if you have access to it, without any electronic devices other than lights and noise-cancelling headphones.

The interview has been cancelled. He has not slept enough. It will be pushed into next week, assuming next week will exist.

That seems to be all the news in our perfectly normal town of Lodi. Goodbye, people. Creatures.

-Ele Swan

[weeklynewsoflodi]

Three Days of Personal Histories

Sunday - Ace has an immense fear of mirrors. There was an incident in our latest childhood where he walked in front of s mirror and was given a prophecy from the other side. He was also attacked by a creature that our mother had trapped in it long ago.

His childhood was fairly stressful. Our father was killed as a sacrifice during the month of December, when Allen was first sighted rampaging. Our mother always favored me and often ignored Ace's very existence. He was bullied a lot up until high school, when he finally stood up for himself and made our mother face his existence. We were both kicked out of the house and went to live with Allen.

The Mirror Incident lead to him gaining an intense knowledge of the concept of self. He's been known to give monthly advice in front of Jo's place.

He has been known to fall in love with writers. We all know who this is. Steve, he loves you. Calm your ass down and let him compliment you!

Monday - The history of Phoenix, myself, is very similar to that of Ace. My fears lie in the dark. The unknown. Of the past I cannot see, of the future.

Tuesday - Today we will talk about Allen Marsh. Not much is remembered about him. We don't know what he fears. We don't know if he is even capable if fearing.

Not much is known about him, but the memories he shared were rather unpleasant. I will attempt to explain them anyway. He was blind before his incident and had wandered into the dense forest of the Edge. He remembers he felt a lot of pain and he woke up to blood all over downtown. From the scattered knowledge of witnesses who somehow remember who he was before the incident claim that he did not always have that stretched, cartoonish, cat-like mouth or gaping white circles in the place of eyes. Someone also mentioned that he did not go into such harmful frenzies during the winter, and did not make it a habit of eating people.

As far as we know, he has always had an extensive knowledge of things that are impossible. He calls them improbable.

Today is Friday. I took my break from Wednesday through Thursday, so I slept through any possible news for those days. Oh well. Michael sang me a set if songs that took three hours to perform. How annoyingly sweet. I hope the boy finds love of some sort.

Next time we do Three Days of Personal History, we will focus on Steve Blu, Kelly Martin, and Ele Swan.

Yours until history consumes me,

Phoenix.

[weeklynewsoflodi]

It Comes Closer

The local high school's gym will be closed for the next two weeks for the levitation and cloud fighting lessons. Sign ups came to a close four weeks ago, so don't bother showing up if you didn't kick a table with your papers on it.

Team Nine was attacked recently, sending six if the heroes to the grave and three to the hospital. The assault is believed to come from the twins that escaped recently, Alexi and Charry Simon. As we all know, they are a dangerous pair. If you see them, do not approach them. Do not think of them. Do not think of anything. Remember, they are mind readers as well as criminals. Do not forget the signs of their presence; a contradictory set of feelings, of intense calm and knowing and a chaotic and high-energy desire to run around and destroy things.

The plane that has been hovering over the town for the past fourteen years has finally fallen from the sky. There were no deaths, but the twenty-four miraculously alive passengers were all injured. They are all in the hospital now.

A human figure has been spotted in the Edge. Please, along with the warnings to stay away from the heavily forested mountains, stay far from this figure. The only one permitted to approach it is Allen Marsh, who is known to wander the Edge when he needs some cleaner air. This figure is believed to be the Newcomer. This is not true. The Newcomer does not exist. The figure does not exist. Ignore him, or he will unravel everything we know and love. More on this thing that doesn't exist as the week goes on.

Its almost that time of year, citizens. Remember to avoid Allen Marsh at the end of the month and all of next month. If you notice any early changes in his behavior, please warn your neighbors and lock yourself in your house. Make sure to have enough food, water, and forms of entertainment for the coming month so you don't go completely insane.

In other news, Jo's Choice Candies and Sodas is still missing. Please join the search party so it may be returned to its rightful place across from the Food Court Theater.

Great news! Mayor Kelly Martin has given her Mayoral Sacrifice. How wonderful! Let's move on.

Allen has entered the Edge to investigate the figure. Remember that he and Mayor Kelly Martin are the only two permitted to enter the area, because they are the only ones who can travel through it safely.

A quadruple rainbow has been spotted on this mist-filled rainy day. Run. Everyone run and hide. Stay inside. Allen is still investigating that figure, but he is safe, for now.

A brief public service announcement: Whoever has the town's stolen portal sign, please return it.

The fluff balls have returned and are currently rolling around the town and hissing. Steve's stupid kitten has taken to meowing at the five that are outside the main entrance. That stupid cat. I'll be back, both to take my break and get that kitten out of trouble.

I am back. I plopped that tiny thing on Steve's desk. He seemed both happy and terrified in equal measure. That's the phrase, right? Either way, his face got really red and he started stuttering. I hate to say this, but it was cute. I told him as much and he started screaming. I just left after that.

The final day of our week has come to a close. Bye, I guess? What the fuck else do I say? Oh well.

-Ace Carson

[weeklynewsoflodi]

Nothing Is Okay Part 13

We were born here and we cannot leave. We were made to keep quiet. With our lips sewn shut in our sleep and our limbs strung up like puppets, all we could and can do is watch. Wait. Be silent. But our minds are free, we hope. Maybe we can break this silence.

A brief announcement: Bouncing Waterslides is now open for business! Scream and cry with joy in this terrifying theme park!

The Mech Battle Arena has been filled with sand. No one knows why, but it's like that now. Fighter, good luck. Onlookers, run, because your life depends on it.

The trees are bleeding. The trees are crying. The trees are screaming. (In my opinion the trees need help).

Fun fact: there are about 1,280,911,696.5250806808 light years of human DNA on Earth. So amazing!

Who is someone if no one is no one? What is something if nothing exists? I tried to ask Allen and Ace this and they, once again, said I wouldn't understand. Ele claims she wants to explain the universe to me, but she said "There are no words in a language you will recognize. The closest I can get in your primary language are 'nothing' and 'everything'." I almost cried.

I asked Allen if he knew what we were. Again, he said I wouldn't understand. But he told me how I can understand. Let's see. "Look, listen, taste, touch, smell something, anything at all. Everything, even. Do this and understand it." I did not understand this.

And now, some words from Mayor Kelly: "What is gender? What are we? What is us? Who defines these things? Do we define them, if, that is, we exist at all? Or does some unknown power define these things? We may never know." Thank you, Mayor Kelly. I didn't know I needed more shit to contemplate.

A few more announcements: Jo's Choice Candies and Sodas has disappeared! Downtown is crying again. The Food Court Theater is closed for next week. The Hudson House is now open.

Is the Stranger even real? I mean, we hardly get dream-walkers to visit, let alone physically, supposedly existing people, so why should we believe in them. Are they a them at all? An it? A he? A she? Is it, if an it at all, a thought? Are they, if a they at all, only a construct of our collective imaginations that is only to be realized a week or several weeks from now? Maybe it's actually our missing inter-dimensional portal sign! But we can't male these assumptions right now, can we.

A note to parents: please, if you lost your children on Halloween, come get them from our little station. They are getting to be rather troublesome. Allen already ate three of the more... Annoying ones. Anyways, please come collect the children, even if they aren't yours. You can exchange them at a later time and place.

Remember to stay out of the trailer park unless you live there. You will get lost. Along with this, stay away from the edge of town, you all know these places to be dangerous. Stay. Away.

Another fun fact: did you know that time and space and the universe in general have reset three times already? What are we doing wrong? I guess we'll find out the next time it happens, right? Maybe not. Allen called me stupid for thinking that, but he days its not my fault for being so oblivious to obvious things that most humans don't understand.

Speaking of which, what is Allen? He looks weird and acts weird. He seems mostly human, but something's not right about his eyes. I'll have Daniel draw a quick picture of him for the next paper.

The day was short and the deadline has passed, so I bid you goodnight, wherever you are. Whenever you are. Whatever you are. Goodnight, I think.

-Yours Untrully,

Luce Pine

[weeklynewsoflodi]

Newcomers

Hello, readers. It's good to see that you have found our brand new news blog. We have only recently been given permission to utilize internet resources to spread the events of our lovely little town. Thank you to our mayor, Kelly Martin, for granting us our hopes and dreams.

For readers who have never read our papers, allow me to introduce myself and my co-writers. My name is Allen. Everyone's favorite writer, Steve, has just re-emerged from the depths of whatever place he disappeared to. Welcome back, Steve! Our dear poet, Luce, wrote a song for the mayor. Michael helped with the instrumental arrangement of this song of peace. Ele, you know, the doctor not the lawyer, recently assisted on Daniel's newest comic. We don't know when the comic can or will be published, but we hope it comes soon.

We have a few newcomers! A new security guard, named Ace, has just been hired. Along with him is Phoenix, his older sibling. What a wonderful addition to our little family of reporters.

Now, on to the real news.

Of course, I was put on duty for the first online report, printing and distributing newspapers. Ugh. Oh well.

Does anybody remember those trouble making twins we as a town had to hide from for four months of this year before they were restrained and taken to the jailhouse? It seems they have finally managed to escape. Be on the lookout for them, and if you see something suspicious, simply sigh and scream into the nothingness of the sky. The police don't have time to pick up phones.

In other news, our mayor has released an invitation to a party. Grandfather Max has just passed away. The event will be held at six o'clock tomorrow morning and will last for six days, which is when Grandfather Max's spirit is predicted to leave his body and join our community forever.

I found a clover yesterday. I sent a picture of it to Steve, who posted it on Instagram. I believe it is our new profile photos. Daniel drew a short comic based off of it. Poor clover. It shriveled up and turned to dust after I took the picture. I cried a little. Godspeed, little friend.

Michael just came in. He was screeching about the new song from our local band. They can't seem to figure out a name for themselves. I laughed at him. He's now yelling at me to stop writing all of this down. As I write it I tell him "No. It's our job to write down events that passed through the week and that are passing as the day rolls on." He sighs and now he's leaving me to continue my work.

I am going on a break now. I will let you know what happened during that time if I return. I encourage you to take this time to listen to some music, sleep, eat something marginally less poisonous than your last meal and drink some water, or read a real book if you can. I will return when you finish these tasks and when I am finished with my own.

Oh. My. Steve. During my break, I received a letter from the mayor! I will write it down word for word so you may make an attempt to share my excitement!

"Dear Allen (and co-workers I guess),

In the next few weeks there will come someone from outside our community. I know this is a strange request but I would like you to make them comfortable in their new environment. Maybe take them to Jo's Choice Candies and Sodas, or the Food Court Theater. After you read this letter burn it so no one else knows about it.

Sincerely,

Kelly Martin."

Oh. I see now that I probably should not have written an exact copy of the letter. Oh well! What's done cannot be undone. At least, for now.

Steve has been acting strange ever since we hired Ace and Phoenix. I'm sure it's because of how distractingly handsome Ace is. Steve has some sort of fear or intimidation kink or something, because he dated the twins because not only are they beautiful, but they are also terrifying. Ace has (obviously) not noticed any changes in Steve's behavior. I guess he doesn't care enough about Steve to see how infatuated he is. Seriously. Those is either my level of obliviousness, or he's just going to extreme measures to ignore our fawning author. And it's a shame. Steve seems to be in genuine, real, blood-bursting love with Ace. Sorry Steve. I hope he doesn't read this.

Michael is still going on and on about the band. Now he's just following Phoenix around and talking nonstop about the group of musicians. They don't she doesn't seem to mind.

Oh. It seems Steve has made a new friend. He brought it in just a few seconds ago. A little black kitten no older than a few weeks. Where her mother? I asked Steve where her mother is, but he just shrugged. Oh those beautiful eyes. Are they green or blue? How strange and a wonderful this little one is! Welcome, kitten! Welcome!

We go now to our weather section!

Today is rainy, like any other day here. The clouds a pleasant lavender-gray, and the rain is cold and wet as ever.

This concludes our weather section.

My oh my oh my. Readers, we have a special guest here in my little office. Steve plopped her right in front of me, telling me to take care of her, then left to do ehatever it is he does on his breaks. Hello little baby girl! I will let her write something for you now, reader!

Aaaaaaaaaaaasssssssssasasawwwwwwwqwqwq1waaqqsawsaqaswwaaghhhtjdhhthdhrhrhrtht

Aww! How sweet! She says she likes it in here! Steve, go away. You can't have her back. She's mine now.

Steve took her. It's probably for the best that she goes with her new father, as I have no experience with small children of any kind. I don't like children. I thought I made myself clear!

Luce is standing behind me and asking me how I solved those paradoxes last week. They just wouldn't understand if I told them. Human brains are very fragile and I would not want to figuratively break their skull with information they cannot handle. Ace understands. There are some people who have an understanding for these things. Most of them are not human. Some of them are, but the rest of the world brushes them off as crazy.

Oh. Another letter from the mayor. I will not write this one down, but I will briefly summarize what is said here. She wants me to start printing the newspapers now. It's almost delivery time. Alright.

It is with this letter, which was not recorded or typed on my computer, that I bid all readers farewell. Good night. Good morning. Good evening. Good afternoon. Whenever, wherever it is that you read this, let it be good. And if you are in a place where good and synonyms are antonyms for its English Dictionary definition, then replace all "goods" with your personal preference that means what makes sense to you.

Farewell, readers and those who somehow hear a voice with these words.

Without question,

Sincerely,

Allen Marsh